Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 103

poohbear_nc · 08-17-2010, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

I understood it until your explanation. What's binary got to do with it?

Just implying a mathematical mind-set was necessary.

LCF · 08-17-2010, 06:17 PM

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"

LCF · 08-17-2010, 07:12 PM

A horse walks into a bar:
-- Give me a soda.
-- You want whiskey with it?
-- Naw, I can't - I'm with the cart.

Ben Thornton · 08-17-2010, 07:21 PM

I don't think we've done these in this thread yet:

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea?
Bob

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug

What do you call a man with a little spade in his head?
Douglas

What do you call a man with a wooden head?
Edward

What do you call a man with three wooded heads?
Edward Woodward

Ben Thornton · 08-17-2010, 08:09 PM

What's black and white and red all over?

Spoiler:

What's black and white and red all over?

Spoiler:

What's black and white and red all over?

Spoiler:

poohbear_nc · 08-17-2010, 08:27 PM

What's black and white and red all over?

Spoiler:

You are one sick puppy! You fit right in here!

WT Sharpe · 08-17-2010, 09:09 PM

.....Before Howard Thurston became famous, he sometimes did his bewildering tricks of magic for audiences at lodge meetings, and even in private homes. Once, when he was booked to entertain the guests of a woman who had more money than breeding, he called at her home to arrange details of the show, including his fee. Thurston's price for the evening was one hundred dollars, to which the woman agreed. "However," she said haughtily, "I must make it quite clear to you that when your performance is over you are not to mingle with my guests."
.....Thurston pretended to be surprised. "Oh, in that case," he said, "my fee will be only fifty dollars."
..........— Steve Allen (1921 – 2000), American comedian, humanist, musician, actor, composer, author. Steve Allen's Private Joke File (2000).

LCF · 08-17-2010, 09:17 PM

Programmer's grave:

Quote:

General protection fault - 10.10.61
Runtime error - 23.09.2009

kennyc · 08-17-2010, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LCF

Programmer's grave:

pilotbob · 08-18-2010, 01:53 AM

That programmer died much too young.

LCF · 08-18-2010, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

That programmer died much too young.

fixed

Ben Thornton · 08-18-2010, 06:38 AM

They were still only 48 - not fixed!

What goes black white black white black white black white?

Spoiler:

What goes black white black white black white black white brown?

Spoiler:

Lycoming · 08-18-2010, 07:11 AM

New To The Country

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.

The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets."

Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."

Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.

The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."

The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.

A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.

She says, "Sure, what do you need?"

The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Lycoming · 08-18-2010, 07:16 AM

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
******* thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

columbus · 08-18-2010, 10:13 AM

.....

08-17-2010, 08:09 PM	#1535
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	What's black and white and red all over? Spoiler: A newspaper What's black and white and red all over? Spoiler: An embarrassed penguin What's black and white and red all over? Spoiler: A nun on a meat hook

08-17-2010, 08:27 PM	#1536
poohbear_nc Bah! Humbug! Posts: 63,629 Karma: 135239851 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!	What's black and white and red all over? Spoiler: A nun on a meat hook You are one sick puppy! You fit right in here!

08-18-2010, 06:38 AM	#1542
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	They were still only 48 - not fixed! What goes black white black white black white black white? Spoiler: A nun rolling down a hill What goes black white black white black white black white brown? Spoiler: A nun on a spit

08-18-2010, 07:11 AM	#1543
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	New To The Country A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken. The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets." Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times." Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster. The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks." The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road. A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him. She says, "Sure, what do you need?" The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?" Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." Last edited by Lycoming; 08-18-2010 at 10:10 AM.

08-18-2010, 10:13 AM	#1545
columbus Wizard Posts: 999 Karma: 5487540 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In my own imagination. Device: Sony Prs 650, 505	..... Last edited by columbus; 08-18-2010 at 10:14 AM. Reason: changed my mind

08-17-2010, 06:17 PM	#1532
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child"

08-17-2010, 07:12 PM	#1533
LCF Wizard Posts: 1,472 Karma: 9795311 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Germany Device: Hanlin V3 (LBook), GS3	A horse walks into a bar: -- Give me a soda. -- You want whiskey with it? -- Naw, I can't - I'm with the cart.

08-17-2010, 07:21 PM	#1534
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	I don't think we've done these in this thread yet: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the sea? Bob What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug What do you call a man with a little spade in his head? Douglas What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edward What do you call a man with three wooded heads? Edward Woodward

08-17-2010, 09:09 PM	#1537
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	.....Before Howard Thurston became famous, he sometimes did his bewildering tricks of magic for audiences at lodge meetings, and even in private homes. Once, when he was booked to entertain the guests of a woman who had more money than breeding, he called at her home to arrange details of the show, including his fee. Thurston's price for the evening was one hundred dollars, to which the woman agreed. "However," she said haughtily, "I must make it quite clear to you that when your performance is over you are not to mingle with my guests." .....Thurston pretended to be surprised. "Oh, in that case," he said, "my fee will be only fifty dollars." ..........— Steve Allen (1921 – 2000), American comedian, humanist, musician, actor, composer, author. *Steve Allen's Private Joke File* (2000).

08-18-2010, 01:53 AM	#1540
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	That programmer died much too young.

08-18-2010, 07:16 AM	#1544
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that ******* thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Add from the Mobile Read Library?	danwdoo	Calibre	8	12-03-2014 06:03 PM
Good Day Eh!! :-)	Gedvondur	Introduce Yourself	12	07-22-2010 12:16 AM
Classic Is there a way to lighten the background?	rlsamson	Barnes & Noble NOOK	3	06-30-2010 04:56 PM
Read-in-Microsoft-Reader 1.1.3 add-in released	Alexander Turcic	Reading and Management	2	02-20-2006 03:47 AM