Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 102

WT Sharpe · 08-15-2010, 05:13 PM

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replied, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

kennyc · 08-15-2010, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replied, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Love that one!

happy_terd · 08-15-2010, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replied, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

LOL

Ben Thornton · 08-16-2010, 06:40 PM

What do you call a roman mouse?
Julius Cheeser

Ben Thornton · 08-16-2010, 06:47 PM

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman get caught up in the revolution on an island, and are sentenced to death by firing squad. The Englishman is led out in front of the squad ... "ready, aim, " ... and the Englishman points behind them and shouts "volcano!". While they all turn around, he jumps over the wall and gets away. Next, the Scotsman is led out ... "ready, aim, " ... and he points behind them and shouts "tidal wave!". While they all turn around, he jumps over the wall and gets away. Finally, the Irishman is led out ... "ready, aim, " ... "fire!"

kennyc · 08-16-2010, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ben Thornton

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman get caught up in the revolution on an island, and are sentenced to death by firing squad. The Englishman is led out in front of the squad ... "ready, aim, " ... and the Englishman points behind them and shouts "volcano!". While they all turn around, he jumps over the wall and gets away. Next, the Scotsman is led out ... "ready, aim, " ... and he points behind them and shouts "tidal wave!". While they all turn around, he jumps over the wall and gets away. Finally, the Irishman is led out ... "ready, aim, " ... "fire!"

Ben Thornton · 08-17-2010, 03:31 AM

A man runs into a doctor's surgery, shouting "Doctor, doctor, castrate me, please, you've got to castrate me!".

The doctor is more than a little surprised at this, and explains that this is a very grave decision - there would be no going back.

"But doctor, you must castrate me - PLEASE, you've got to castrate me today!"

The doctor is taken aback, but the man pleads with him.

"Doctor, I'm certain - you must castrate me, please castrate me."

He is very persistent, and the doctor, despite his misgivings, eventually agrees. He gets the man to lie down on the bench, gets out his surgical pliers (this is a low tech surgery), and does the deed (crunch!)

His patient is writhing in agony when another man rushes in, shouting "Doctor, doctor, circumcise me - I must be circumcised".

The man on the bench shouts "THAT's the word!"

WT Sharpe · 08-17-2010, 09:24 AM

.....Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour.
....."I built myself a house. That's it there. Here's the barn, and over here is the church I worshipped in."
....."What's that building over there?" one of the rescuers asked.
.....Louie sneered. "That's the church I used to belong to."

kennyc · 08-17-2010, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

.....Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour.
....."I built myself a house. That's it there. Here's the barn, and over here is the church I worshipped in."
....."What's that building over there?" one of the rescuers asked.
.....Louie sneered. "That's the church I used to belong to."

DMcCunney · 08-17-2010, 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

.....Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour.
....."I built myself a house. That's it there. Here's the barn, and over here is the church I worshipped in."
....."What's that building over there?" one of the rescuers asked.
.....Louie sneered. "That's the church I used to belong to."

The variant I heard had a Jew shipwrecked, who bit a scale model of his home town to keep himself occupied. His answer to the last question is "That's the shul we don't go to!"
______
Dennis

LCF · 08-17-2010, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DMcCunney

The variant I heard had a Jew shipwrecked, who bit a scale model of his home town to keep himself occupied. His answer to the last question is "That's the shul we don't go to!"
______
Dennis

I know it with an English gentleman who has build a house, a club where he is member and a club where he will never set his foot in.

Ben Thornton · 08-17-2010, 05:48 PM

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sat together watching an empty house. They see one person go in, but to their surprise, two people come out!

The biologist says: "They must have given birth to another person while in the house."

The physicist says: "Experimental error! We must have a measurement problem."

The mathematician says: "If only someone else would go in, the house would be empty again!"

poohbear_nc · 08-17-2010, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ben Thornton

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sat together watching an empty house. They see one person go in, but to their surprise, two people come out!

The biologist says: "They must have given birth to another person while in the house."

The physicist says: "Experimental error! We must have a measurement problem."

The mathematician says: "If only someone else would go in, the house would be empty again!"

If the reader doesn't understand 1 + 1 = 10, you'll have to explain the punch line to them!

Ben Thornton · 08-17-2010, 06:05 PM

A physicist, a chemist and a computer scientist are driving in a car when it breaks down.

The physicist says: "Perhaps the spark plugs need adjusting."

The chemist says: "Perhaps the fuel mix is wrong."

The computer scientist says: "Why don't we all get out of the car, then get back in again?"

WT Sharpe · 08-17-2010, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

If the reader doesn't understand 1 + 1 = 10, you'll have to explain the punch line to them!

I understood it until your explanation. What's binary got to do with it?

08-15-2010, 05:13 PM	#1516
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Jesus Knows You're Here A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" The bird replied, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

08-17-2010, 09:24 AM	#1523
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Too long on the island, perhaps? .....Louie was shipwrecked and lived alone on a desert island for years until he was finally rescued. Before leaving the island, he gave the rescue party a tour. ....."I built myself a house. That's it there. Here's the barn, and over here is the church I worshipped in." ....."What's that building over there?" one of the rescuers asked. .....Louie sneered. "That's the church I used to belong to."

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08-16-2010, 06:40 PM	#1519
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	What do you call a roman mouse? Julius Cheeser

08-16-2010, 06:47 PM	#1520
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman get caught up in the revolution on an island, and are sentenced to death by firing squad. The Englishman is led out in front of the squad ... "ready, aim, " ... and the Englishman points behind them and shouts "volcano!". While they all turn around, he jumps over the wall and gets away. Next, the Scotsman is led out ... "ready, aim, " ... and he points behind them and shouts "tidal wave!". While they all turn around, he jumps over the wall and gets away. Finally, the Irishman is led out ... "ready, aim, " ... "fire!"

08-17-2010, 03:31 AM	#1522
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	A man runs into a doctor's surgery, shouting "Doctor, doctor, castrate me, please, you've got to castrate me!". The doctor is more than a little surprised at this, and explains that this is a very grave decision - there would be no going back. "But doctor, you must castrate me - PLEASE, you've got to castrate me today!" The doctor is taken aback, but the man pleads with him. "Doctor, I'm certain - you must castrate me, please castrate me." He is very persistent, and the doctor, despite his misgivings, eventually agrees. He gets the man to lie down on the bench, gets out his surgical pliers (this is a low tech surgery), and does the deed (crunch!) His patient is writhing in agony when another man rushes in, shouting "Doctor, doctor, circumcise me - I must be circumcised". The man on the bench shouts "THAT's the word!"

08-17-2010, 05:48 PM	#1527
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are sat together watching an empty house. They see one person go in, but to their surprise, two people come out! The biologist says: "They must have given birth to another person while in the house." The physicist says: "Experimental error! We must have a measurement problem." The mathematician says: "If only someone else would go in, the house would be empty again!"

08-17-2010, 06:05 PM	#1529
Ben Thornton Guru Posts: 900 Karma: 779635 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: UK Device: Kindle 3, iPad 2 (but not for e-books)	A physicist, a chemist and a computer scientist are driving in a car when it breaks down. The physicist says: "Perhaps the spark plugs need adjusting." The chemist says: "Perhaps the fuel mix is wrong." The computer scientist says: "Why don't we all get out of the car, then get back in again?"