Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 101

kennyc · 08-06-2010, 08:59 AM

http://xkcd.com/774/

Lycoming · 08-09-2010, 10:29 AM

HOW TO TAKE YOUR OWN PHOTO:

Step 1: Choose a background

Step 2: Set Self timer on your cam

Step 3: SMILE !!

Forgot Step 4:

BE CAREFUL !!!

STEP 5 : CALL ' 911 '

WT Sharpe · 08-09-2010, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

STEP 5 : CALL ' 911 '

OMG! Hope she's OK!

kennyc · 08-09-2010, 11:51 AM

EEEEK!!!!

Lycoming · 08-09-2010, 12:39 PM

The great thing about metal railings...... no splinters.

Mind you, I could apply to help remove any with my teeth.

pilotbob · 08-09-2010, 01:14 PM

Just because her ma dropped her on her head as a baby... doesn't mean she has to repeat the act.

BOb

lene1949 · 08-10-2010, 02:46 AM

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

lene1949 · 08-10-2010, 04:04 AM

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down....You'll love this .......

'You got Male!

Lycoming · 08-10-2010, 12:36 PM

Subject: Ten Thoughts to Ponder
#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
#6 Some people are like a Slinky ...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200, and a substantial tax cut saves you 30?
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The # 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age;
it doesn't last long."

kennyc · 08-10-2010, 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Subject: Ten Thoughts to Ponder
#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

#9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
#6 Some people are like a Slinky ...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200, and a substantial tax cut saves you 30?
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The # 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age;
it doesn't last long."

Lycoming · 08-10-2010, 01:37 PM

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

yvanleterrible · 08-10-2010, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

33. Thank God you're still alive.

Lycoming · 08-10-2010, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

33. Thank God you're still alive.

Now we are straying into Hitchins and Dawkins country.

kennyc · 08-10-2010, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Now we are straying into Hitchins and Dawkins country.

And a bit of Sagen for spice.

Lycoming · 08-14-2010, 12:46 PM

Nancy Reagan

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckleywas a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley.

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

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08-06-2010, 08:59 AM	#1501
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	http://xkcd.com/774/

08-09-2010, 10:29 AM	#1502
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	HOW TO TAKE YOUR OWN PHOTO: Step 1: Choose a background Step 2: Set Self timer on your cam Step 3: SMILE !! Forgot Step 4: BE CAREFUL !!! STEP 5 : CALL ' 911 '

08-09-2010, 11:51 AM	#1504
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,918 Karma: 119747553 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	EEEEK!!!!

08-09-2010, 12:39 PM	#1505
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	The great thing about metal railings...... no splinters. Mind you, I could apply to help remove any with my teeth.

08-09-2010, 01:14 PM	#1506
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	Just because her ma dropped her on her head as a baby... doesn't mean she has to repeat the act. BOb

08-10-2010, 02:46 AM	#1507
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

08-10-2010, 04:04 AM	#1508
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Daddy, how was I born? A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down....You'll love this ....... 'You got Male!

08-10-2010, 12:36 PM	#1509
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Subject: Ten Thoughts to Ponder #10 Life is sexually transmitted. #9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. #7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. #6 Some people are like a Slinky ...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. #5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. #4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. #3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200, and a substantial tax cut saves you 30? #2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. And The # 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow. Someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last long."

08-10-2010, 01:37 PM	#1511
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO." 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think." 8. Practice making fax and modem noises. 9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss. 10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing. 13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 16. Staple pages in the middle of the page. 17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise. 18. Honk and wave to strangers. 19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. 20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 21. type only in lowercase. 22. dont use any punctuation either 23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times. "DO YOU HEAR THAT?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 27. Ask people what gender they are. 28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 30. Sing along at the opera. 31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

08-14-2010, 12:46 PM	#1515
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Nancy Reagan We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckleywas a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley. To: John Hinckley From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man. Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.