Feedback wanted on 5% finished early alpha draft

[Kasper Hviid]

I have started writing a some lesbian horror erotica titled The Padlocked Bedroom.

Here's the Blurb:

Blond, tall and slim, Petria looked more like a fashion model than a psychic medium. Britt, plain and and chubby, knew that this doll was out of her league, and most likely prefered men. However, the gorgeous psychic is most interested in the paranormal disturbences in Britt's apartment. Britt is scared - she does not share Petrias drive to explore the unknown, which for her has shown to be way too physical. She much rather ignore the mystery altogether. However, Britt is horny - if it takes a haunting to get Petrias attention, she's game!

Anyone wanna take a look? I'm only 2500 words into the story, but I'd like to know if I'm on the right track here.

Download link: The-Padlocked-Bedroom.epub

[Rizla]

You misspelled "disturbences" (sic). I can't take writing with spelling mistakes seriously.

[Kasper Hviid]

Oh, sorry about that - thanks for notise it!

[Nabeel]

Also two missing apostrophes: Petria's drive, Petria's attention.

All very dull criticism: sorry!

[Bilbo1967]

Looks like a mistake in the very first sentence. Should it be "no longer hear it"?

I'm afraid that if I pick up a book and the very first sentence makes no sense, I'm unlikely to keep reading.

[Kasper Hviid]

Thanks - I know my grammar is slightly disastrous. Getting it repaired is high on my todo list.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Kasper Hviid

Thanks - I know my grammar is slightly disastrous. Getting it repaired is high on my todo list.

Actually--and I'm not trying to pile on here-there are quite a few errors in the description. (FYI: although it's become commonly misused, a "blurb" is not a description of the book. A blurb is when someone gives you a short critique or comment or praise, which is in turn placed on the book, either on the back cover, front cover, or praise page.) Back to the issues:

Disturbances; emdashes don't have spaces around them; at least two possessive apostrophes are missing (Petria's); clunky construction ("which for her has shown to be way too physical"); missing words ("She much rather ignore the mystery altogether").

I didn't download the excerpt and read it, because if, in endeavoring to entice us to read it, you made this many errors in the description, I'm not hopeful for the extract. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but you may as well get used to it now.

I'd highly recommend that you join a GOOD critique group. I usually tell people to join one of the Holly Lisle courses, both because the courses are good, and the big forum, the Writer's BootCamp, is heavily moderated so that you get viable, useful feedback from the participants, all of whom are seriously working on books. There isn't anyone there that's sitting around waiting to "be mean" to other writers; they're serious about their craft.

It's my opinion that the speed with which authors are able to be published nowadays has hurt their development as writers, because they no longer do writing courses, critique groups, writing buddies; they don't submit articles to magazines to stave off starvation while waiting to be discovered, and then have to suffer the slings and arrows of commercial editors (which is invaluable training); they don't go to writing conferences, (ditto). The best way to emulate this (other than doing this, for which most people no longer have the patience) is to use a good writing group, and to obtain solid critiques--and use them.

Best of luck to you. Your genre isn't really my cuppa, but your premise sounds amusing, if you can work out the kinks.

Hitch

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Hitch

[...](FYI: although it's become commonly misused, a "blurb" is not a description of the book. A blurb is when someone gives you a short critique or comment or praise, which is in turn placed on the book, either on the back cover, front cover, or praise page.) [...]

This is one of those things that seems to vary with regional usage - which is a bit odd, since everyone acknowledges the word as American slang.

eg: dictionary.com shows its main definition as "a brief advertisement or announcement, especially a laudatory one: She wrote a good blurb for her friend's novel.", but then goes on to show a "British Dictionary" definition of "a promotional description, as found on the jackets of books".

From the Oxford English Dictionary: "A brief descriptive paragraph or note of the contents or character of a book, printed as a commendatory advertisement, on the jacket or wrapper of a newly published book. Hence in extended use: a descriptive or commendatory paragraph."

I have an Australian published book here, written by two Australian journalists/freelance writers, about writing proposals for publishers (and related topics). They definitely use "blurb" in the wider sense described by the British English definitions given above.

[HarryT]

Kasper, another issue with your description is that you start off in the present tense, and then switch to the past tense. That's wrong: stick to the same tense for the whole thing.

I'm afraid I must agree with those who have said that poor grammar and spelling means an instant "fail". Language is a writer's toolbox, and it's essential to know how to use those tools correctly.

[Dr. Drib]

You have two instances of 'and and' back-to-back.

I'm afraid I can't take any writing seriously that has not been adequately proofread.

And - although you in no way state this - I must firmly state that it is not my job to proofread your 'writing'.

[Rizla]

@OP.

First thing to do is get a spell-checker. MS Word has one. There are lots of free ones. Judging by your name, English is not your first language, so use your computer to help you write. Also get a browser with a spell-checker for when you post on the internet. I believe Firefox comes with one by default. Grammar is hard to master, but spelling is fairly easy to deal with, with a computer Good luck.

[Nabeel]

Kasper: I really feel sorry for this flood of grammatical criticism you've had. It can't be encouraging. But you have to take these points and learn from them.

There are writers who can't write grammatically but who can still be very effective and powerful: they are usually native speakers, with a clear sense of the rhythm of the langage.

There are also people like Conrad, whose grasp of English grammar was not perfect, but who had a very clear sense of what you could do with English.

But I think for most writers, mastering the language is an essential first step to expressing yourself.

[Kasper Hviid]

... So anyway, my cat Hercules is still trying to do the nasty with my arm. And yes: he is castrated ... it is kind of heartbreaking.

That was an aside. Back on topic: Thanks for the feedback! Slightly harsh at times, but it's good to know just how much inadequate spelling and grammar (and admittedly, lack of proofreading) will turn people away. As Rizla correctly guessed, English is my second language - I'm Danish. So I don't have that natural understanding of English grammar. I wonder how much this impair the other aspects of the writing? I think I would construct exactly the same sentences if I had gotten the apostrophes right. My gut feeling is that poor grammar is mostly a problem in itself. On the other hand, my limited vocabulary is a problem. So is my lack of natural use: I almost never speak english.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Kasper Hviid

... So anyway, my cat Hercules is still trying to do the nasty with my arm. And yes: he is castrated ... it is kind of heartbreaking.

That was an aside. Back on topic: Thanks for the feedback! Slightly harsh at times, but it's good to know just how much inadequate spelling and grammar (and admittedly, lack of proofreading) will turn people away. As Rizla correctly guessed, English is my second language - I'm Danish. So I don't have that natural understanding of English grammar. I wonder how much this impair the other aspects of the writing? I think I would construct exactly the same sentences if I had gotten the apostrophes right. My gut feeling is that poor grammar is mostly a problem in itself. On the other hand, my limited vocabulary is a problem. So is my lack of natural use: I almost never speak english.

Kasper:

Dumb question: why not write first in Danish, and publish in that language, initially? I mean, I speak a few languages (none fluently any longer, through lack of use), but even when I was fluent, I would be exceedingly hesitant about writing a book in any of them. Why not try Danish for your (initial?) outing, get your feet wet in your cradle language, and then dip your toes into English down the road?

Hitch

[Kasper Hviid]

Good question! Why not write in a language where I at least have mastery of the basic grammar?

For one thing, Denmark is very small. The country has been thought of as the capital of Sweden. I somehow finds it discouraging to write in a language nobody speaks.

But more importantly, I feel more comfy writing in English, despite my obvious handicaps. It gives some kind of distance. And all my favorite authors (stop it Hercules) are writing in (seriously, cut it out) English, and it bugs me when I have to make do with a Danish translation. Jørn Riel is great, but other than that, I don't really have any Danish faves. What I love about litterature is tied to the English language.

I'm not completely ruling Danish out, though.