Does this new blurb work better?

[Gregg Bell]

Some of you pointed out my original blurb for this cover didn't get "romantic suspense" (the book's genre) across. So I wrote a new blurb. Does it work better? Work well? Here's the cover:



Here's the original blurb (I shortened it):

What can a mother do when she has no money and a dangerously sick kid?

She can make a mistake.

In a moment of desperation, cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn't—and he's on to her.

And here's the new blurb:

What can a mother do when she has no money and a dangerously sick kid?

She can make a mistake.

In a moment of desperation, cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn't—and he's on to her.

But that’s not the only mistake Phoebe makes as she gets drawn into Michael “Fingertips” Contini’s dangerous world of wealth and power. She might be falling in love with him.

Her ex’s best friend, ex-cop Brent, tries to warn her but she’s in too deep—or is she?

[pendragginp]

I like your first two sentences. Crisp, pointed.

I actually would change 'ex-cop' to 'former cop' just because you already have an 'ex' in the sentence....

Hmm. I would see if I could tighten the middle up a bit. -

'Cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. The watch is fake, but the mobster isn't - and he's on to her.'

I was noodling the fourth paragraph around a bit but I have to leave for Thanksgiving dinner!

I like your cleaning lady's name.

This may not be any help at all, so take it as you like.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by pendragginp

I like your first two sentences. Crisp, pointed.

I actually would change 'ex-cop' to 'former cop' just because you already have an 'ex' in the sentence....

Hmm. I would see if I could tighten the middle up a bit. -

'Cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster's locker. The watch is fake, but the mobster isn't - and he's on to her.'

I was noodling the fourth paragraph around a bit but I have to leave for Thanksgiving dinner!

I like your cleaning lady's name.

This may not be any help at all, so take it as you like.

Thanks pendragginp. Agree with what you said. I've got a new one. See below.

[Gregg Bell]

The latest blurb for The Find.

A beautiful single mother, a sexy mobster, and an ex-cop converge in this romantic story of desperation, love, lies, danger and suspense.

Looking for love is the last thing on single mother Phoebe Jackson’s mind. She’s desperate to find a way to make enough money to help her sick child and will do anything to save her. Finding an expensive bejeweled watch is just the lucky break she needs, and her need to save her child overwhelms her ethics and she decides to take it.

Unbeknownst to her, the watch belongs to the mobster, Michael "Fingertips" Contini. Within days Contini discovers she took the watch and confronts her, and soon Phoebe’s lured into his world of wealth and power, and finds much much more than she was looking for...

Former cop Brent Greer, Phoebe’s ex-husband’s best friend, knows Contini’s history all too well and knows that Phoebe is blind to how much danger she’s really in. Her problems may be none of his business, but he can’t stand by and watch her fall in deeper. Extricating her from the vicious gangster is harder every day she spends with him—yet if Brent can’t convince Phoebe to get out, a deadly end can’t be far off.

[Cataphonic]

not in group: Looks ok nice color. harmonic.tells the story

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cataphonic

not in group: Looks ok nice color. harmonic.tells the story

Thanks.

[Corkobo]

FWIW I much preferred the new blurb in post #1.
It was short and crisp.
If anything, I wasn't sure about the last sentence. May be a bit much to introduce 3 characters in a blurb?

As for the blurb from post #4, for me it is too verbose. It also feels like it tells too much of the story itself.
And it's less intense, direct and visual, e.g. "expensive bejeweled watch" vs. "diamond-bejeweled Rolex".
For me the phrase "Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn't" is light and not pretentious and the mild "smart-alec" character of that sentence that would not look good in the book itself is perfect for a blurb.

However, I do not read romantic suspense so I'm possibly the wrong audience...

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Corkobo

FWIW I much preferred the new blurb in post #1.
It was short and crisp.
If anything, I wasn't sure about the last sentence. May be a bit much to introduce 3 characters in a blurb?

As for the blurb from post #4, for me it is too verbose. It also feels like it tells too much of the story itself.
And it's less intense, direct and visual, e.g. "expensive bejeweled watch" vs. "diamond-bejeweled Rolex".
For me the phrase "Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn't" is light and not pretentious and the mild "smart-alec" character of that sentence that would not look good in the book itself is perfect for a blurb.

However, I do not read romantic suspense so I'm possibly the wrong audience...

Thanks Corkobo for the good feedback. Appreciate it. (I too like the pithiness of 'turns out the watch is a fake but the mobster isn't.')