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Originally Posted by ApK
1. ARE you describing the whole plot (other than the reveal) as people are concerned you are, or is everything you are describing revealed in the first few chapters and there is much more to the story?
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Thanks.
Okay. At the point in the blurb where Annie "takes matters into her own hands" is when in the story she takes the baby from Monroe's mansion. That is at the 25% point in the book.
What follows in the blurb (Annie 'in the process becoming entrapped in the lies etc. that threaten the baby and her' is the remaining 75% of the book.) (When Annie takes the baby she is sought as a baby stealer. The police are after her. Monroe offers a ten million dollar reward. Vigilante groups form to get her. That sort of thing.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ApK
2. You keep expanding the more concise suggestions with more detail. Do you have a reason in mind we might not be picking up on? Do you feel some of the details you are are giving will sell the book better? Are you trying to communicate something about the book we are missing?
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Yeah. I think the line (in Catlady's excellent version):
can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s?
leaves people wondering: Why didn't she go to her parents or the police? Who wouldn't believe her (or at least I would want to know why they wouldn't believe her--like her father thinking she was exaggerating) when she makes such a serious charge? And it's just too vague: can she convince "anyone."
I'm quite honestly skating the edge of implausibility by not having her go to a child welfare agency. But I do think a 17-year-old would first go to a parent. And then the police. (I really can't have her go to the child welfare agency because they
would demand to see the baby.) This way her father thinks she's exaggerating and the police are corrupt. (Which is the case in the book.)
And I think Catlady's version establishes the problem and the possible consequences to Annie but not what Annie will do about the problem. As I see it (in Catlady's version again) what Annie does is just try to convince people that the baby's being abused. Then if she can't, she's thrust into the web of lies, deception etc..
In my version she's doing more ('taking matters into her own hands and fighting to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping.'). And that's also telling the reader what to expect.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ApK
If so, then your last revision above is pretty good, but I have a bit of an issue with this:
"She goes to her father, who thinks she’s exaggerating. So she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. "
That reads to me like a plot synopsis posted by a young reader in an Amazon review. If those details are to stay in, how about something more like:
"Her father thinks she's exaggerating, the media fear Monroe's influence, and the police are in his back pocket."
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Thanks. I'm going to try to work that in. And I'm going to take some of Catlady's suggestions and pare things down a bit.
I'll post a new version in a bit.