Quote:
Originally Posted by mrmarlowe
When My Father 'Died' - v.1-8 up now. I made a few changes [...]
|
I haven't finished reading this over yet. I got carried away with commenting on issues in the text. I can see a definite improvement over the version I looked at previously, but I think it's time to start smoothing it out. There are many things that need tightening because I keep getting pulled out of the story by what seems - to me - to be odd phrasing and punctuation.
There are lots of redundant phrases throughout the text. Reiteration and redundancy can be a tool in telling a story, but it should be used deliberately, not accidentally. I'll give a few examples in a moment, but your best option is to look over each sentence on it's own and ask: "Does this add anything?". Then look at each clause in that sentence and ask: "Is this necessary?"
I read over that last paragraph and dislike myself, it's too much like advice I've seen spouted without context in many other places. Good stories are full of things are that are not strictly necessary - Lord of the Rings can be cut down to a few sentences. The author's job is to decide what is necessary, what will add to the story
they want to tell. And different authors will make different choices. BUT ... the sort of redundancy I am trying to highlight in my examples below relate to details that the reader already knows - either because you've already said it in another way, or because it can be inferred from the context, or because it doesn't really say anything at all. These are the sorts of thing you have watch for and eliminate*.
I have not tried to be comprehensive, I've just picked things that stood out in the first few pages. And remember these are examples/opinions only. You are the author and the story must be told in a way that makes you happy.
Spoiler:
You use "Oddly enough" three times, and none of them feel necessary to me. For example the first one: "Oddly enough, he did nothing for us; all through ..." I would have has just "He had done nothing for us. All through ..."
A while later I heard the sound of clattering of utensils coming from our kitchen, which was, by the way, just beside that other room and of course, also dark.
I think this can be simplified to just: "A while later I heard the sound of clattering of utensils coming from our kitchen." (We already expect it to be dark, you turned the lights off earlier, and the location of the kitchen doesn't seem important at this time.)
You don't need to both UPPER CASE and say "I shouted". I suggest avoiding the use of uppercase - this is not an email.
"See? It's coming again from there. I certainly hope you're right."
That last sentence doesn't ring true to me. For that matter, everything after "See?" is probably redundant. We have already been told the noise came again, and given the noise the "hope you're right" seems inappropriate.
Mom said that it was possible the wind blowing outside was doing this. But I didn't believe her. There was certainly no heavy wind blowing outside. All of a sudden, the sound of clattering stopped again.
You could remove "There was certainly no heavy wind blowing outside. All of a sudden," and the paragraph and story remains effectively unchanged.
About an hour later, I heard a familiar voice - it was my father's voice. It said, "Hey, you people are sleeping so peacefully here eh? I can't get sleep in that upper story. I can't, so I came down here. I want to sleep here."
It could be cut down to: About an hour later I heard a familiar voice - my father's. It said, "Hey, you people are sleeping so peacefully here, eh? I can't get sleep in that upper story. I can't. I want to sleep here."
You can see I kept part of the father's reiteration "I can't", because I think that feels right, but got rid of the part that felt like unnecessary explanation.
I shook a little at hearing the oh-so-familiar voice at an odd time. To me the whole situation was incongruous to say the least
I think the second sentence is unnecessary - we hope the reader already understands that the situation is unusual.
"He used to love cooking. He'd spend a lot of time in the kitchen, with those utensils...", my mother commented casually, all of a sudden.
"casually, all of a sudden" is certainly incongruous.
Both the mother's words and "commented" are enough to tell us she doesn't seem to be panicking. You could try "commented unexpectedly" if you felt that was needed.
In panic, I got out of my bed ...
This doesn't sound like panic to me. (Fear maybe, panic no.) I don't think you will lose anything by dropping "In panic, ".
I attempted to turn on the lights again and this time I indeed managed to turn them on. As soon as I turned on the lights I saw a figure resembling that of my father in stature, white as mist, fleeing from my room and then vanishing through the wall.
Could be cut to: I attempted to turn on the lights again. This time I managed it. I saw a figure resembling that of my father, white as mist, vanishing through the wall of the room.
Once the text reads more cleanly, without always pulling the reader out of the story, it will be easier to see the story for the words. (In case that's not obvious, I'm paraphrasing an old adage: "can't see the wood for the trees").
* It's also really risky giving advice like this. Too often the giver is guilty of these offences too, so it seems like a case of "Don't do what I do, do what I say." Put it down to being able to see faults in others better than we can see faults in ourselves.