[Graham]

Originally Posted by mrmarlowe

When My Father 'Died' - v.1-6 now uploaded, thanks.

It's definitely good that you've combined Mr Zant and the guy from the South, however, moving all of that into the opening of the story unbalances things a bit.

Spoiler:

The opening sequence was stronger before, as we go very clearly from the funeral into the ghostly happenings. The emphasis now is on the contracts which isn't your main plot thread. Can you feed this information in more slowly, a bit later on? These are the things that the guy from the South wants to discuss which the son has no time for.

You've made the shadowy figure clearer throughout now, thanks.

The ending is better than it was, but can you tighten it up? By adding the additional detail it's lost some of the punch you had before.

Graham