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Old 10-06-2016, 02:58 PM   #1
Gregg Bell
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Which blurb is better?

The blurb is for a suspense novel called Saving Baby. Thanks!

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is thrilled when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. But something's not right. Monroe's baby is feeble and cries constantly. When Annie confronts Monroe about it, he fires her. She runs to the police but, intimidated by Monroe's power, they shrug off her concern. Then Annie discovers Monroe is conducting eugenics experiments. So she disguises herself as a member of a TV news crew at his mansion for an interview, nabs the baby and flees.

The headlines scream: Monroe Baby Kidnapped! The billionaire broadcasts a ten million dollar reward. The sheriff and his deputies hunt the two of them, and vigilante mobs roam the valley. Only the baby clinging to her like Velcro keeps Annie running. Her only hope: exposing Monroe's deadly abuse before it's too late--for her and the baby.

or


Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is thrilled when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. But something's not right. Monroe's baby is feeble and cries constantly. When Annie confronts Monroe about it, he goes into a rage and tells her to mind her own business. She tells her father but he thinks she's exaggerating. Annie knows something is suspicious, but what? The next day she discovers something that makes her skin crawl. She nabs the baby and flees.

Now she's on the run. Her only hope is exposing Monroe's deadly evil before it's too late--for her and the baby.
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Old 10-06-2016, 04:01 PM   #2
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I'm sorry, but I don't like cliches that include "screaming headlines."

[Deleted earlier comment]

She seems too young to be so fully committed.

None of this adds up for me.

-- For both of those blurbs.

Sorry.

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Old 10-06-2016, 10:24 PM   #3
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The second is a lot better than the first. I'd rethink the term 'feeble', though. What do you actually mean? Thin? Sick? Floppy/low tone? Not hitting milestones?

(I'd also suggest having someone med-pick your manuscript, if you haven't already. For example, a baby that is truly in a lot of medical trouble often doesn't cry, but shuts down to conserve energy. Which is dangerous as it can be interpreted as 'a good baby' who is happy and satisfied.).

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Old 10-07-2016, 04:20 AM   #4
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The first one goes into way too much detail for a blurb, to my mind. A blurb shouldn't contain every detail of the plot.

The second is better, but still not particularly good. For example "But something's not right." is a sentence fragment, not a sentence. It should be followed by a colon or semi-colon, not a full stop.
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Old 10-07-2016, 11:05 AM   #5
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I'm sorry, but I don't like cliches that include "screaming headlines."

[Deleted earlier comment]

She seems too young to be so fully committed.

None of this adds up for me.

-- For both of those blurbs.

Sorry.
Thanks
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Old 10-07-2016, 11:07 AM   #6
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The second is a lot better than the first. I'd rethink the term 'feeble', though. What do you actually mean? Thin? Sick? Floppy/low tone? Not hitting milestones?

(I'd also suggest having someone med-pick your manuscript, if you haven't already. For example, a baby that is truly in a lot of medical trouble often doesn't cry, but shuts down to conserve energy. Which is dangerous as it can be interpreted as 'a good baby' who is happy and satisfied.).
Thanks meeera. I'm trying "weak" rather than "feeble." And yeah, the med-pick. I wrote a book that had a pregnant character and oh, did I hear it about how I had the details wrong. Fortunately, before publication.
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Old 10-07-2016, 11:12 AM   #7
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The first one goes into way too much detail for a blurb, to my mind. A blurb shouldn't contain every detail of the plot.

The second is better, but still not particularly good. For example "But something's not right." is a sentence fragment, not a sentence. It should be followed by a colon or semi-colon, not a full stop.
Thanks Harry. Agree about the detail of the first being too much. But I kind of like sentence fragments in blurbs. Just a few, that is.
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Old 10-07-2016, 11:16 AM   #8
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I personally think an occasional sentence fragment is OK, as long as the author understands how to write sentences. For these authors, they use sentence fragments for effect, rather than out of ignorance.

Unfortunately, too many beginning authors (I'm not including you), don't know the difference between a sentence fragment and a grammatical sentence.
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Old 10-07-2016, 09:36 PM   #9
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The second. But... find another word for Feeble.
Sickly?
Lethargic ( does this work with 'cries a lot'?)?
Colicky?

this is a hard one
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Old 10-08-2016, 10:24 PM   #10
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The second. But... find another word for Feeble.
Sickly?
Lethargic ( does this work with 'cries a lot'?)?
Colicky?

this is a hard one
Thanks ducks. How about "weak"?
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Old 10-08-2016, 10:31 PM   #11
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Thanks ducks. How about "weak"?
It would be easiest to answer this if we know what's actually wrong with the baby. In spoiler tags if you need to.
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Old 10-08-2016, 11:42 PM   #12
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It would be easiest to answer this if we know what's actually wrong with the baby. In spoiler tags if you need to.
The baby is being physically neglected as part of a eugenics experiment. I studied it a bit and some of the symptoms of neglect are the baby being underweight and lethargic.
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Old 10-09-2016, 12:42 AM   #13
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Thanks ducks. How about "weak"?
Weak is ...weak considering you later post.
This is a hard one to sum up with 1 word

Malnourished?
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Old 10-09-2016, 03:29 AM   #14
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The baby is being physically neglected as part of a eugenics experiment. I studied it a bit and some of the symptoms of neglect are the baby being underweight and lethargic.
How does the neglect tie into the eugenics experiment? Is it a genetically typical baby being neglected, or does it have genetic issues also? If so, what kind?

How old is the baby? What/how much is it being fed? How underweight/close to death is it?

As I said, if this is severe failure to thrive, you'd expect maybe some irritability, but lethargy, excessive sleeping, and gaze avoidance might be much more prominent behavioural signs than frequent crying. These babies can lack the energy to cry; in addition, when hungry cries are ignored for long enough, babies learn not to cry. (Along with the failure to gain weight and hit developmental milestones.) If micronutrients are insufficient you might also expect, for example, a severe nappy rash and possibly rashes elsewhere such as the face. And if left lying in one position all the time, flattening of the skull in that area.
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Old 10-09-2016, 07:21 AM   #15
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OK, here's an idea:

If you're having trouble coming up with an appropriate blurb, why not look over your book and see if there's something that can be pulled out as a quote. Some dramatic, defining, teasing moment. (Notice the sentence fragment!)

That would then be your blurb.
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