08-21-2012, 09:14 PM | #1 |
Wizard
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Need Romance Type Help :D
Several of my readers are regulars here so I will wrap this question in spoiler tags, and let that be a warning before they read out of respect.
Spoiler:
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08-21-2012, 09:38 PM | #2 | |
Zealot
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Quote:
Last edited by EileenG; 08-21-2012 at 09:41 PM. |
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08-22-2012, 04:52 PM | #3 |
I write stories.
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>>“Sarah!” I called out as I ran to her.
>>“Mike!” she responded with glee. Although it's very likely that two real people would respond to this situation by calling each others' names, it tends to read melodramatically, especially when coupled with one person running across the room. In this case, the cliche nature of the exchange is amplified by the repetitive sentence structure (vocal outburst followed by brief action tag). I like Eileen's revisions, particularly because she's paired one of the name-utterances with a long descriptive sentence while matching the other one with two short, crisp sentences. I suspect that the "nice, long hug" line is bothering you because 'nice', 'long' and 'hug' are all fairly generic terms. You might try experimenting with different adjectives. A 'lingering hug' or a 'long embrace' might convey a stronger emotional undertone. |
08-22-2012, 08:29 PM | #4 |
Wizard
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THANKS y'all... based on your input I came up with :
(Mike does not believe in God, and Sarah is not human, so needed some tweaking... ) When I entered sickbay, Sarah was sitting up and sipping on a cup of water. Seeing her awake brought smile to my face and a lightness to my step. “Sarah!” I rushed to her ignoring the medical equipment all around her. “Mike!” Her fury face suddenly lit up with a smile that caused my heart to quicken. I pulled her into my arms, and held her body tight against mine. Nothing else mattered in the whole universe right then. Sarah was alive! Her slight moan of pain reminded me that I needed to be gentle. As I eased her back I gazed in to her big green eyes and asked, “How are you doing?” “Oh, fine. A bit drained is all.” Her face betrayed how tired she really was, but she would never let on. I still have the "he said/she said" habit to break. Grrr. Probably still needs grammar/smoothness tweaking, but for a first cut I think its far superior to what I had. I probably should add some romance to my reading since I have several romantic sub plots. |
08-22-2012, 08:31 PM | #5 |
Wizard
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Your comment about "Sue" (random doctor name) was a bit of a.. "DOH!" thought for me. I was so busy trying to remember the scene and who was in it, I forgot to look through "Mike's" eyes and see what he would see.
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08-23-2012, 03:04 PM | #6 |
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I can't see into VydorScope's spoiler box in #1 probably because of my browser, so I will work with the other contributions and Vydor's later statement in #4
First it was interesting to see the difference between Vydor's writing and EileenG's. Nancy had too little to form an opinion on. Second, one thing in particular about #4 bothered me. Lose the "suddenly." |
08-23-2012, 06:20 PM | #7 | |
Wizard
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Quote:
Hmm, okay! I will. |
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