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Old 05-17-2019, 07:35 AM   #10471
drjd
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Old 05-18-2019, 06:15 AM   #10472
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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
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Old 05-18-2019, 11:50 AM   #10473
Dazrin
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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
If you ask a teenager, we already do.
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Old 05-19-2019, 06:23 AM   #10474
drjd
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I've been having issues with the roof leaking into the storage space below it. It's being very problem attic!
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Old 05-20-2019, 05:54 AM   #10475
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Old 05-22-2019, 06:40 AM   #10476
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When a woman wears leather clothing
A man's heart beats quicker
His throat gets dry
He goes week in the knees
And he begins to think irrationally
Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck!!!
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Old 05-23-2019, 07:53 AM   #10477
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I dug up a worm for fishing. It's the end of the line for him.
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Old 05-25-2019, 06:49 AM   #10478
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A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
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Old 05-26-2019, 01:31 PM   #10479
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Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.

He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'

"The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over to the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.

Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"
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Old 05-27-2019, 06:00 AM   #10480
drjd
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Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose.

Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"
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Old 05-28-2019, 01:29 PM   #10481
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A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
My wife has been wheelchair bound for the last ten or so years, she often says it's a good thing that she doesn't drink alcohol. If she did, she'd forget that she can't walk and would fall on her face.
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Old 05-29-2019, 06:16 AM   #10482
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"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older man, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?"

"Well," replied the older man, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."
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Old 05-30-2019, 02:26 PM   #10483
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Old 05-31-2019, 07:09 AM   #10484
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A queue at a haunted house is a line of fright.
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Old 06-02-2019, 06:21 AM   #10485
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A true story, according to the LA Times.....

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"

Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"
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