12-24-2013, 05:50 AM | #7321 |
Close to the Edit!
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12-24-2013, 11:04 AM | #7322 |
binomial: homo legentem
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12-24-2013, 09:45 PM | #7323 |
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12-25-2013, 06:47 AM | #7324 |
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Seems like everybody is too busy with Christmas to bother with jokes. Even F-bone is only posting every other day! So I'll try and get things moving again.
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without." |
12-25-2013, 02:59 PM | #7325 |
Is that a sandwich?
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Last edited by Fbone; 12-25-2013 at 03:01 PM. |
12-25-2013, 07:06 PM | #7326 |
Snoozing in the sun
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(I should have remembered to post this a bit earlier, but never mind - we're still in the mood.)
ORGANISATIONAL CHANGES AT THE NORTH POLE The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance of the season’s gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share. We cannot sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavourable press. I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time when he is known to be under executive stress. As a further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” Department: 1. The Partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance. 2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours cannot be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated. 3. The three French hens will remain intact. International diplomacy must prevail. 4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is under way to determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked. 5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio base on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order. 6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one. 7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement. 8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. Most maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching. 9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. 10. Ten Lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year. 11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”) action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! |
12-26-2013, 10:47 AM | #7327 |
Recovering reader
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I found this in fb.
Spoiler:
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12-26-2013, 10:55 AM | #7328 |
Opsimath
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I guess tonight is about the time when somebody posts to tell the origin of how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...
Stitchawl |
12-26-2013, 11:43 AM | #7329 | |
FUBAR!
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Quote:
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" |
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12-26-2013, 08:10 PM | #7330 |
Is that a sandwich?
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12-27-2013, 05:04 AM | #7331 |
Bah, humbug!
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A Dilbert gem found by Grammarly.com:
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12-27-2013, 08:06 AM | #7332 |
Opsimath
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This has probably been around before, but it's worth a reprise...
Some strong language so I'm putting it inside a spoiler. If you object to profanity, do not open. Spoiler:
Stitchawl |
12-27-2013, 04:36 PM | #7333 |
Is that a sandwich?
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12-28-2013, 08:23 AM | #7334 |
Reborn Paper User
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12-28-2013, 02:41 PM | #7335 |
Bah, humbug!
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Cannibals who eat bacon are swine.
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