Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 356

Fbone · 09-11-2012, 02:06 AM

"When we get home," I lectured my three young sons in the backseat of the car, "I want you all to clean your rooms because Uncle Ed is coming over. He's never been to our house before, and I want it to look tidy."
My nine-year-old finally broke a lengthy silence. "But isn't that kind of like lying?"

Bookpossum · 09-11-2012, 07:05 AM

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store
and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to church with me?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Quake1028 · 09-11-2012, 04:25 PM

OK that one got me.

yvanleterrible · 09-11-2012, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

Owww! My sides hurt! That took me totally off guard...

...

Thanks!

PeterT · 09-11-2012, 07:17 PM

I think I now know why I have never seen a centipede army; would take far too long to polish their boots.

red_phoenix · 09-11-2012, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeterT

I think I now know why I have never seen a centipede army; would take far too long to polish their boots.

They would give the term "foot soldier" a whole new meaning.

Bilbo1967 · 09-11-2012, 07:22 PM

Very similar joke that I first heard years ago.

No need to tell the whole thing, but it involves a game of soccer between the insects and the mammals. The punch line is something like;

"Why did you only bring the centipede on at half time? He was brilliant."
"He was putting his boots on"

Fbone · 09-11-2012, 10:48 PM

When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

PeterT · 09-11-2012, 11:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

Very similar joke that I first heard years ago.

No need to tell the whole thing, but it involves a game of soccer between the insects and the mammals. The punch line is something like;

"Why did you only bring the centipede on at half time? He was brilliant."
"He was putting his boots on"

A team of mammals were playing a team of insects. The mammals totally dominated the first half and at half-time were leading 39-nil. However, at half-time the insects made a substitution and brought on a centipede.

The centipede scored no less than 180 goals and the insects won the game by miles. In the dressing room afterwards the captain of the mammals was chatting to the insect captain.

"That centipede of yours is terrific," the captain of the mammals said. "Why didn't you play him from the start?"

"We'd have liked to," replied the insect captain, "but it takes him 45 minutes to get his boots on."

Fbone · 09-12-2012, 07:12 PM

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."

Bookpossum · 09-13-2012, 09:15 AM

There's a know-all in every group:

Fbone · 09-13-2012, 09:53 PM

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.
HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."
HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."
HER: "Well, the air bag works."

pdurrant · 09-14-2012, 04:58 AM

I literally laughed my head off over this one:

http://xkcd.com/

steven522 · 09-14-2012, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

I literally laughed my head off over this one:

I think you mean "figuratively"...

pdurrant · 09-14-2012, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by steven522

I think you mean "figuratively"...

Ummm..... did you read the cartoon?

Or have I fallen for your dead-pan delivery?

09-13-2012, 09:15 AM	#5336
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,137 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	There's a know-all in every group: Attached Thumbnails

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09-11-2012, 02:06 AM	#5326
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	"When we get home," I lectured my three young sons in the backseat of the car, "I want you all to clean your rooms because Uncle Ed is coming over. He's never been to our house before, and I want it to look tidy." My nine-year-old finally broke a lengthy silence. "But isn't that kind of like lying?"

09-11-2012, 07:05 AM	#5327
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,137 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?" This time, a little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

09-11-2012, 04:25 PM	#5328
Quake1028 Guru Posts: 917 Karma: 9155462 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Tampa, FL Device: See signature	OK that one got me.

09-11-2012, 07:17 PM	#5330
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 12,166 Karma: 73448616 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Nexus 7, Clara, Touch, Tolino EPOS	I think I now know why I have never seen a centipede army; would take far too long to polish their boots.

09-11-2012, 07:22 PM	#5332
Bilbo1967 Not scared! Posts: 13,424 Karma: 81011643 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Midlands, UK Device: Kindle Paperwhite 10, Huawei M5 10	Very similar joke that I first heard years ago. No need to tell the whole thing, but it involves a game of soccer between the insects and the mammals. The punch line is something like; "Why did you only bring the centipede on at half time? He was brilliant." "He was putting his boots on"

09-11-2012, 10:48 PM	#5333
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.

09-12-2012, 07:12 PM	#5335
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" Wife: "In the pool."

09-13-2012, 09:53 PM	#5337
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today." HER: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." HIM: "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news." HER: "Well, the air bag works."

09-14-2012, 04:58 AM	#5338
pdurrant The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠 Posts: 71,506 Karma: 306214458 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Norfolk, England Device: Kindle Voyage	I literally laughed my head off over this one: http://xkcd.com/