Register Guidelines E-Books Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Go Back   MobileRead Forums > E-Book General > Writers' Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-08-2018, 03:12 PM   #1
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Gregg Bell's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,255
Karma: 3917588
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Itasca, Illinois
Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet
Blurb feedback please?

This for a zany over-the-top humorous thriller. Here's the cover:



Laney Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist who loves what she does: keeping women and animals safe. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she kills quite a lot of men, making her a target of Donovan’s retaliation and alienating law enforcement. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?
Gregg Bell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2018, 03:30 PM   #2
Cinisajoy
Just a Yellow Smiley.
Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Cinisajoy's Avatar
 
Posts: 19,161
Karma: 83862859
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Texas
Device: K4, K5, fire, kobo, galaxy
Pretty good.
Cinisajoy is offline   Reply With Quote
Advert
Old 01-08-2018, 03:35 PM   #3
Deskisamess
Wizard
Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Deskisamess ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Deskisamess's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,604
Karma: 42697471
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ohio
Device: iPhone 7+, iPad mini, 2021 iPad Pro 12.9",Paperwhite 6.8"
Interstate Waste Services?

Integrated Wellness Solutions?
Deskisamess is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2018, 04:18 PM   #4
Nabeel
Zealot
Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Nabeel ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Nabeel's Avatar
 
Posts: 146
Karma: 2747136
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Britain
Device: Kobo Aura One
I'm also baffled by IWS, but perhaps that's the idea. Otherwise, neat, concise, interesting.
Nabeel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2018, 06:11 PM   #5
gmw
cacoethes scribendi
gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
gmw's Avatar
 
Posts: 5,809
Karma: 137770742
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Australia
Device: Kobo Aura One & H2Ov2, Sony PRS-650
Mostly good. Over-the-top, humorous ... thrilling? But I am inclined to think that second paragraph is too long. It needs to be shorter, punchier. There is quite a lot of repetition in there, so there's definitely room to cut it back.
gmw is offline   Reply With Quote
Advert
Old 01-08-2018, 09:52 PM   #6
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Gregg Bell's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,255
Karma: 3917588
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Itasca, Illinois
Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinisajoy View Post
Pretty good.
Thanks Cin.
Gregg Bell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2018, 09:53 PM   #7
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Gregg Bell's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,255
Karma: 3917588
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Itasca, Illinois
Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deskisamess View Post
Interstate Waste Services?

Integrated Wellness Solutions?
I don't know what it means.
Gregg Bell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2018, 09:54 PM   #8
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Gregg Bell's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,255
Karma: 3917588
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Itasca, Illinois
Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nabeel View Post
I'm also baffled by IWS, but perhaps that's the idea. Otherwise, neat, concise, interesting.
Thanks Nabeel. I did not intend to baffle with IWS but it just never materialized what it was. And the novel is so wacky I don't think the people who like it will care. (I hope.)
Gregg Bell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2018, 09:55 PM   #9
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Gregg Bell's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,255
Karma: 3917588
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Itasca, Illinois
Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet
Quote:
Originally Posted by gmw View Post
Mostly good. Over-the-top, humorous ... thrilling? But I am inclined to think that second paragraph is too long. It needs to be shorter, punchier. There is quite a lot of repetition in there, so there's definitely room to cut it back.
Thanks gmw. I agree about the second paragraph. I'll be back with a new improved version.
Gregg Bell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2018, 10:22 PM   #10
GrannyGrump
Obsessively Dedicated...
GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.GrannyGrump ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
GrannyGrump's Avatar
 
Posts: 3,200
Karma: 34977556
Join Date: May 2011
Location: JAPAN (US expatriate)
Device: Sony PRS-T2, ADE on PC
I don't know why, but the phrase whiskey-drinking hard-living SEEMS like it should read with those clauses reversed: hard-living whiskey-drinking

But very clever. I, as a reader, am intrigued.
GrannyGrump is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2018, 01:57 AM   #11
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Gregg Bell's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,255
Karma: 3917588
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Itasca, Illinois
Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet
Quote:
Originally Posted by GrannyGrump View Post
I don't know why, but the phrase whiskey-drinking hard-living SEEMS like it should read with those clauses reversed: hard-living whiskey-drinking

But very clever. I, as a reader, am intrigued.
Thanks Granny. I've been switching that back and forth since you mentioned it. I kind of like both.
Gregg Bell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2018, 03:30 PM   #12
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Gregg Bell's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,255
Karma: 3917588
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Itasca, Illinois
Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet
I tightened it up a bit. Any better?


Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills quite a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?
Gregg Bell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2018, 06:25 PM   #13
gmw
cacoethes scribendi
gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.gmw ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
gmw's Avatar
 
Posts: 5,809
Karma: 137770742
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Australia
Device: Kobo Aura One & H2Ov2, Sony PRS-650
I know there is a certain "feel" to this that you are wanting to achieve - hence the overkill (pun intended) - but some of the parts are weakening the whole. I've marked some of what I think is still redundant:


Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills quite a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?


Possibly "she again kills a lot of men" might be better as "she kills a lot more men", it's less waffly.
gmw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2018, 06:36 PM   #14
Cinisajoy
Just a Yellow Smiley.
Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Cinisajoy ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Cinisajoy's Avatar
 
Posts: 19,161
Karma: 83862859
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Texas
Device: K4, K5, fire, kobo, galaxy
Quote:
Originally Posted by gmw View Post
I know there is a certain "feel" to this that you are wanting to achieve - hence the overkill (pun intended) - but some of the parts are weakening the whole. I've marked some of what I think is still redundant:


Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills quite a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?


Possibly "she again kills a lot of men" might be better as "she kills a lot more men", it's less waffly.
Much better.
Cinisajoy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2018, 11:36 PM   #15
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell
Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.Gregg Bell ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
Gregg Bell's Avatar
 
Posts: 2,255
Karma: 3917588
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Itasca, Illinois
Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet
Quote:
Originally Posted by gmw View Post
I know there is a certain "feel" to this that you are wanting to achieve - hence the overkill (pun intended) - but some of the parts are weakening the whole. I've marked some of what I think is still redundant:


Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills quite a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?


Possibly "she again kills a lot of men" might be better as "she kills a lot more men", it's less waffly.
Thanks a lot, gmw. I like what you've done. Only I have to keep the "seem to" which gives it a little whimsy. Without it she comes off as a psycho serial killer. So:

Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. In Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?
Gregg Bell is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Looking for Blurb Feedback Lemurion Writers' Corner 20 04-21-2017 03:44 PM
Suspense blurb feedback? Gregg Bell Writers' Corner 172 10-16-2015 12:51 PM
Blurb feedback? Gregg Bell Writers' Corner 6 01-27-2015 09:59 PM
requesting blurb feedback for another book Gregg Bell Writers' Corner 3 11-29-2014 10:52 PM
blurb feedback for humorous thriller Gregg Bell Writers' Corner 6 12-23-2013 02:07 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:34 PM.


MobileRead.com is a privately owned, operated and funded community.