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Old 06-02-2023, 05:31 PM   #16
DNSB
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My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.
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Old 06-02-2023, 06:14 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DNSB View Post
My boss told me to have a good day… so I went home.
Hopefully paid leave.
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Old 06-03-2023, 01:45 AM   #18
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A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"
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Old 06-03-2023, 02:33 AM   #19
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A doctor's receptionist says "Doctor, there's a patient who says he's invisible."

The doctor responds, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
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Old 06-03-2023, 04:14 PM   #20
DNSB
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I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried “S123” several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t see what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
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Old 06-03-2023, 04:34 PM   #21
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"Doctor, everyone is ignoring me!"

"Next, please!"
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Old 06-03-2023, 09:14 PM   #22
DNSB
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“Did you hear what happened to Mel?” one friend said to another. “He was seeing his doctor for six months because of chest pains and shortness of breath. Last week, he dropped dead from cancer.”

“That’s terrible,” says the other friend. “Well, I told him a hundred times to go see my doctor.”

“Is he any good?”

“Good? He’s the best! If he treats you for heart problems … you’ll die of heart problems.”
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Old 06-04-2023, 05:38 PM   #23
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Why do all astronauts use a Mac?

Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.
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Old 06-04-2023, 05:39 PM   #24
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ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
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I asked Siri, "Surely it's not going to rain today?"

Siri said "Yes, it is, and don't call me Shirley."

I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.
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Old 06-04-2023, 07:43 PM   #25
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A neutron enters a bar and asks "how much for a beer?"
The bartender replies "for you, no charge".
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Old 06-04-2023, 09:20 PM   #26
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A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?" The rabbit says, "Dunno, I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
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Old 06-07-2023, 03:46 PM   #27
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My friend called me while I was being robbed at gunpoint.

I told them I was a bit held up at the moment.
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Old 06-07-2023, 04:08 PM   #28
DNSB
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An attorney once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.

"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
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Old 06-07-2023, 08:14 PM   #29
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Why did the restaurant serve eggs Benedict on a chromed dish?

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Old 06-07-2023, 08:30 PM   #30
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ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.ownedbycats ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
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What chord do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.
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