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Old 01-20-2024, 12:33 PM   #301
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“This is your great-grandma and great-grandpa,” I told my grandchild as I handed them a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” They shook their head. “Not yet.”
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Old 01-21-2024, 12:50 PM   #302
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Old 01-21-2024, 06:06 PM   #303
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One of my great-niblings came up to me and ask "Uncle, do you want to hear a joke?"

I answered in my best world-weary voice (think Arnold Johnson in Putney Swope) with, "Kid, my whole life is a joke."

Without missing a beat, the little one says, "Okay, but this is a funny one."
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Old 01-29-2024, 03:07 PM   #304
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Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did 
I do on my research paper?

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the 
sentences you apparently 
kidnapped in the dead of night 
and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
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Old 02-02-2024, 06:06 PM   #305
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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Old 02-02-2024, 09:51 PM   #306
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A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks.
The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
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Old 02-03-2024, 12:05 AM   #307
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Did you hear about the explosion at the French cheese factory?

There was nothing left but de-brie.
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Old 02-03-2024, 04:44 PM   #308
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An amnesiac walks into a bar.

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
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Old 02-03-2024, 05:46 PM   #309
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A panda walks into a bar.

He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
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Old 02-14-2024, 02:01 PM   #310
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What did one plate say to the other on Valentine’s Day? Tonight, dinner’s on me.
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Old 02-19-2024, 05:06 PM   #311
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I bought a dog from a black smith the other day...
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door!
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Old 03-06-2024, 01:17 AM   #312
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Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants.

Now they're tenants.
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Old 03-06-2024, 03:41 AM   #313
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ownedbycats View Post
Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants.

Now they're tenants.
Nice! Keeping that one.
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Old 03-06-2024, 08:13 PM   #314
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At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"
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Old 03-08-2024, 08:56 PM   #315
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My coffee looked at me this morning and said "Sorry, I don't do miracles."
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