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Old 01-13-2019, 06:34 AM   #10396
drjd
The Couch Potato
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Old 01-13-2019, 11:54 PM   #10397
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Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you're not around I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard --killing him.
He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second
Text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the @!*+ed Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.


regards, Richard

Autocorrect disabled, LOL
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Old 01-17-2019, 01:46 AM   #10398
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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

"what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire"

Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck.

"what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!"

Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.

"wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
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Old 01-17-2019, 02:04 PM   #10399
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Old 01-18-2019, 10:06 PM   #10400
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:17 AM   #10401
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I like all track and field events but I really get a charge out of the pole volt.
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Old 01-31-2019, 06:04 AM   #10402
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
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Old 01-31-2019, 07:04 PM   #10403
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Nurse: 72 days.
Patient: Is it still January?
Nurse: Yes.
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Old 01-31-2019, 11:02 PM   #10404
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Quote:
Originally Posted by issybird View Post
Patient awaking from a coma: How long have I been out?
Nurse: 72 days.
Patient: Is it still January?
Nurse: Yes.
Down here it feels like that in July.
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Old 02-04-2019, 07:05 AM   #10405
drjd
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An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems.

He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."

Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. "Hey," he exclaimed, "that's MY number!"
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Old 02-06-2019, 07:47 AM   #10406
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A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
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Old 02-07-2019, 06:33 AM   #10407
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Steinbeck considered writing a novel where Adam Trask became a baker. He was going to call it 'Yeast of Eden'.
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Old 02-07-2019, 08:11 AM   #10408
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Steinbeck considered writing a novel where Adam Trask became a baker. He was going to call it 'Yeast of Eden'.
Following it up with one where Tom Joad was a French baker, "The Crepes of Wrath"?
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Old 02-07-2019, 08:14 AM   #10409
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Or the one where Danny was a Mexican baker, "Tortilla Flat."
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Old 02-12-2019, 07:54 AM   #10410
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Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A: A sweater with big pockets.
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