Suspense blurb feedback?

[theducks]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Is there an app for feeding and changing a baby?

I was only thinking on the question of How He would know

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by theducks

I was only thinking on the question of How He would know

Oh now I see what you were thinking. My mind just went to the obvious.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Gregg,
Stupid question.
If she is taking care of the baby while Monroe does his thing, how can he prevent her from holding the baby?

You know, I changed "when" to "whenever" to give it a sense of time passing so it made more sense when I say "Before long..." When it was just "when" it was like, she just tried to comfort the baby once.

And yeah, Monroe's around to see what's happening. Especially in the beginning when he's watching Annie to see that she does things the way he wants them done.

[Cinisajoy]

Thanks Gregg.

[Gregg Bell]

Two new versions:

#1) Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe because it gives her breathing room from her overbearing father who insists she get a “big” summer job to enhance her applications to top colleges. But things at Monroe’s aren’t right. The baby’s crib has no toys or mobiles, and the baby is jaundiced, crying constantly, and when Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her.

Monroe tells her he’s only practicing ‘self-soothing’ child rearing, but Annie suspects something far more sinister is happening. She goes to her father, who tells her that “babies cry.” So she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. With the baby’s health fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping, and in the process she becomes entrapped in a web of lies, deception and evil that costs her her innocence and may cost her her life.

#2) Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe because it gives her breathing room from her overbearing father who insists she get a “big” summer job to enhance her applications to top colleges. But things at Monroe’s aren’t right. The baby’s crib has no toys or mobiles, and the baby is jaundiced, crying constantly, and when Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her.

When Monroe tells her he’s raising the baby according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies, Annie suspects something sinister is happening. She tells her father but he feels she’s exaggerating, so she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. With the baby’s health fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping, and in the process she becomes entrapped in a web of lies, deception and evil that costs her her innocence and may cost her her life.

[Cinisajoy]

I like that first blurb.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Two new versions:

#1) Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe because it gives her breathing room from her overbearing father who insists she get a “big” summer job to enhance her applications to top colleges. But things at Monroe’s aren’t right. The baby’s crib has no toys or mobiles, and the baby is jaundiced, crying constantly, and when Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her.

Monroe tells her he’s only practicing ‘self-soothing’ child rearing, but Annie suspects something far more sinister is happening. She goes to her father, who tells her that “babies cry.” So she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. With the baby’s health fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping, and in the process she becomes entrapped in a web of lies, deception and evil that costs her her innocence and may cost her her life.

#2) Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe because it gives her breathing room from her overbearing father who insists she get a “big” summer job to enhance her applications to top colleges. But things at Monroe’s aren’t right. The baby’s crib has no toys or mobiles, and the baby is jaundiced, crying constantly, and when Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her.

When Monroe tells her he’s raising the baby according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies, Annie suspects something sinister is happening. She tells her father but he feels she’s exaggerating, so she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. With the baby’s health fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping, and in the process she becomes entrapped in a web of lies, deception and evil that costs her her innocence and may cost her her life.

Yo:

I'll go with the first, but please take pity on us and fix the run-on sentences before you finalize it, thanks much. :-) Almost all of the sentences in which you see "and" occurring twice are run-ons. (I also prefer "thinks she's exaggerating" over "he tells her...," FWIW.)

Hitch

[Catlady]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Two new versions:

#1) Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe because it gives her breathing room from her overbearing father who insists she get a “big” summer job to enhance her applications to top colleges. But things at Monroe’s aren’t right. The baby’s crib has no toys or mobiles, and the baby is jaundiced, crying constantly, and when Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her.

Monroe tells her he’s only practicing ‘self-soothing’ child rearing, but Annie suspects something far more sinister is happening. She goes to her father, who tells her that “babies cry.” So she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. With the baby’s health fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping, and in the process she becomes entrapped in a web of lies, deception and evil that costs her her innocence and may cost her her life.

#2) Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe because it gives her breathing room from her overbearing father who insists she get a “big” summer job to enhance her applications to top colleges. But things at Monroe’s aren’t right. The baby’s crib has no toys or mobiles, and the baby is jaundiced, crying constantly, and when Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her.

When Monroe tells her he’s raising the baby according to ancient Egyptian child-rearing philosophies, Annie suspects something sinister is happening. She tells her father but he feels she’s exaggerating, so she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. With the baby’s health fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping, and in the process she becomes entrapped in a web of lies, deception and evil that costs her her innocence and may cost her her life.

I would edit them down considerably to something like this:

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It's just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something's not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe is unconcerned. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe's? Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Catlady

I would edit them down considerably to something like this:

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It's just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something's not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe is unconcerned. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe's? Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

Love this.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Love this.

I must admit, I do like this best so far.

H

[pendragginp]

YES. Much more succinct and punchy.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Hitch

Yo:

I'll go with the first, but please take pity on us and fix the run-on sentences before you finalize it, thanks much. :-) Almost all of the sentences in which you see "and" occurring twice are run-ons. (I also prefer "thinks she's exaggerating" over "he tells her...," FWIW.)

Hitch

Thanks Hitch. I knew the giant sentences were gross.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Catlady

I would edit them down considerably to something like this:

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It's just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something's not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe is unconcerned. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe's? Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

Thanks a lot, Catlady. I really like your version very much.

Some of the differences between my version (and I'm posting a new version at the end of this thread making a hybrid of yours and mine) and yours is that I was hoping to make Annie likeable by giving her a problem (the overbearing father) as opposed to just a college kid wanting to get into a good college. I also thought it set up her father thinking she was exaggerating her fears about Monroe (in the second paragraph of the blurb).

I thought both of our versions established what the problem was, but your version only asked the questions as to what might happen, while my version said what Annie would do. Don't the readers want to know what the protagonist does to attempt solving the problem?

And I thought that last line of yours

Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

didn't seem to logically follow the previous line. So Annie convinces someone (or not) to take her word against Monroe's, or she's entrapped in the web of lies, deception etc... ? Why?

That line also seemed sudden. In that Monroe was just "unconcerned" and suddenly there's this whole thing of lies, deception etc.

I don't know, I'm obviously just finding my way with this blurb, but I appreciate your help.

[Gregg Bell]

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when she lands a nanny position working for billionaire Houston Monroe. The position gives her breathing room from her overbearing father who insisted she get a “big” summer job to enhance her college applications. But things at Monroe’s aren’t right. The baby looks ill and is crying constantly, and when Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her.

Monroe tells her he’s only practicing ‘self-soothing’ child rearing, but Annie suspects something far more sinister is happening. She goes to her father, who thinks she’s exaggerating. So she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. With the baby’s health fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping. In the process she becomes entrapped in a web of lies, deception and evil that threatens the innocent child and her own life as well.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

So Annie convinces someone (or not) to take her word against Monroe's, or she's entrapped in the web of lies, deception etc... ? Why?

WHY? Well, READ THE BOOK and find out!! Duh.

Seriously, two questions for you:

1. ARE you describing the whole plot (other than the reveal) as people are concerned you are, or is everything you are describing revealed in the first few chapters and there is much more to the story?

2. You keep expanding the more concise suggestions with more detail. Do you have a reason in mind we might not be picking up on? Do you feel some of the details you are are giving will sell the book better? Are you trying to communicate something about the book we are missing?

If so, then your last revision above is pretty good, but I have a bit of an issue with this:

"She goes to her father, who thinks she’s exaggerating. So she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. "

That reads to me like a plot synopsis posted by a young reader in an Amazon review. If those details are to stay in, how about something more like:

"Her father thinks she's exaggerating, the media fear Monroe's influence, and the police are in his back pocket."