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Old 01-27-2016, 07:10 AM   #1
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Benchley, Robert: My Ten Years in a Quandary (Collection). v1. 27 Jan 2016

My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew by Robert Benchley (1889-1945)

First published 1936.
The text of this book is in the public domain in countries where copyright is “Life+70” or less. Due to copyright restrictions, illustrations by Gluyas Williams (1888–1982) have been omitted.

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Robert Charles Benchley was an American humorist, actor, and drama critic. His main persona, that of a slightly confused, ineffectual, socially awkward bumbler, served in his essays and short films to gain him the sobriquet “the humorist’s humorist.” The character allowed him to comment brilliantly on the world’s absurdities. (—Encyclopedia Britannica)

Benchley's humor influenced and inspired many humorists and filmmakers, among them E. B. White, James Thurber, S. J. Perelman, Horace Digby, Woody Allen, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor, and Dave Barry.

Benchley is best remembered for his contributions to periodicals such as Life, Vanity Fair, and The New Yorker. Collections of these essays and articles stand today as tribute to his brilliance.

EXCERPT: The Lost Locomotive
Spoiler:
The day that Mr. MacGregor lost the locomotive was a confusing one for our accountants. They didn’t know whom to charge it to.

“We have an account here called ‘Alterations,’” said the head accountant (Mr. MacGregor). “We might charge it to that. Losing a locomotive is certainly an alteration in something.”

“The point is not what account we are going to charge the lost locomotive to,” I continued. “It is how you happened to lose it.”

“I have already told you,” he replied, with a touch of asperity, “that I haven’t the slightest idea. I was tired and nervous and – well – I lost it, that’s all!”

“I am afraid that you are whistling in the dark, Mr. MacGregor,” I said quietly.

“As a matter of fact,” he snapped, “I am not at all sure that the locomotive is lost. And, if it is, I am not at all sure that I lost it.”

“I don’t think that we need go into that point,” I replied. “When a man takes a locomotive out and comes back without it, and is unable to explain what has become of it, the presumption is that he, personally, has lost it. How did you like those tangerines we had for lunch?”

“Only fair,” MacGregor answered.

“You see?” I said. “You are getting cynical.”

We have had a great deal of trouble about Mr. MacGregor’s growing cynical. He looks at things with a bilious eye. It is bringing down the morale of the office force, and there are whole days at a time when we don’t sell a thing.

“How often do you take that medicine I gave you?” I asked him.

MacGregor winced slightly. “Hot-diggidy!” he replied.

“That is not an answer to my question,” I said, sternly.

“What were we just talking about?” he asked.

“You mean the tangerines?” I said, his cynicism still rankling in my mind.

“No,” he replied. “Before that.”

We both thought for a minute.

“Well, it couldn’t have been very important,” I said, laughing. This got him in good humor and we swung forward, double-time, along the road to work.

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Text was obtained from the Internet Archive. Punctuation, italics, and diacritics have been formatted. Chapter-end links provide access to table of contents and title index. Embedded font for titling.

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Betcha can't eat just one!
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