Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 18

zelda_pinwheel · 05-22-2009, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivaldirules

(psst. Zelda, that's a result of lost neurons from the previous episode, remember? no, I guess you wouldn't.)

are you saying i've had too many zany carters ?

...no, that's not possible.

vivaldirules · 05-22-2009, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

are you saying i've had too many zany carters ?

...no, that's not possible.

Good point. (heads to kitchen for a little something)

ShortNCuddlyAm · 05-22-2009, 08:23 PM

You can only ever have enough Zany Carters.

montsnmags · 05-24-2009, 07:37 AM

This evening I made French Onion Soup/soup a l'oignon with its requisite cheese-melt baguette toasties floating on top. It was, I have to admit, quite tasty, and just right for cool autumn evening. Everyone, including me, went back for seconds, so I was quite chuffed. A simple dish, but quite efficacious. I think that one will go onto the "regulars" list, at least for the cool months.

Cheers,
Marc
(PS. For those that care, Mum's here for a couple of nights, so presence at MR may be limited)

Jaime_Astorga · 05-24-2009, 07:51 PM

Okay, so a little kid goes up to his father and asks him "Daddy, why did you marry mommy?"

The father looks at him in anger for a few seconds and replies "It was all your fault, you would-be bastard!"

desertgrandma · 05-27-2009, 06:58 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in to he other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely,

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

RWood · 06-06-2009, 04:59 PM

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford? Three - one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

Jewelry.

After all, a person is innocent until proven broke.

doreenjoy · 06-07-2009, 09:46 PM

Posted on Craig's List:

SVP of Douchebag
Reply to: job-402984315@craigslist.org

Date: 2007-08-21, 11:46PM

Job Title

Sr VP of Douchebag

Key Skills

Whining, Credit-taking, project under/over estimation

The SR VP of Douchebag will be responsible for developing and maintaining our consumer focused website and services, rapidly and unnecessarily taking credit for the development of integrations with partner websites and services, and generally setting impossible expectations for 3rd party application plugins.

The ideal candidate possesses an MBA, is inflexible, and completely full of shit; able to delegate specific tasks on their own from their perceived business and product goals. Primary work will be focused on development of the web site using APIs and Web Services to connect to and use application data. Knowledge of the definition of API and/or website is not required.
Secondary work will be designing, developing, and scaling a fully functional RSS feature. Reading of blogs is desired, but qualified applicants will be considered.

Responsibilities:

• Taking credit for your team implementing your impossible deliverables

• Dining with Exec management on a weekly basis

• PowerPoint presentations for the board (to be formatted by interns)

• Knowledge of the existence of the internet

• Understanding and using spellcheck on various applications

• Delegation of any task put forth to you and not mentioned as a skill above

Technical Skills:

• Computer

• Email

• Telephone

• Motor Vehicle Operation

Compensation: Depends on namedropping
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/eng/402984315.html

doreenjoy · 06-07-2009, 09:52 PM

Getting Old

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly
feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But thank God, I still have my driver's license.

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

rebarnmom · 06-07-2009, 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

Getting Old
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

doreenjoy · 06-07-2009, 10:22 PM

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chili and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility at work is completely unacceptable. my entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer No later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

doreenjoy · 06-07-2009, 10:25 PM

The Difference Between Religions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the living incarnation of God.

Jews don't recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah.

And Baptists don't recognize each other in bars.

RWood · 06-07-2009, 10:31 PM

It seems that the Jolly Green Giant's son got in trouble recently. He was addicted to Internet corn.

doreenjoy · 06-07-2009, 10:31 PM

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

~
~
~

A: Homeless.

doreenjoy · 06-07-2009, 10:45 PM

Q: How can you tell when a musician is really stupid?
A: When the other musicians notice.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singer's tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Get the drummer to do it.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

~

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums."

"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."

The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a woman singer."

06-07-2009, 10:22 PM	#266
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chili and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility at work is completely unacceptable. my entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer No later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan Last edited by doreenjoy; 06-07-2009 at 10:30 PM.

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05-22-2009, 08:23 PM	#258
ShortNCuddlyAm WWHALD Posts: 7,879 Karma: 337114 Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Mitcham, Surrey, UK Device: iPad. Selling my silver 505 here	You can only ever have enough Zany Carters.

05-24-2009, 07:37 AM	#259
montsnmags Grand Sorcerer Posts: 10,155 Karma: 4632658 Join Date: Nov 2007 Device: none	This evening I made French Onion Soup/soup a l'oignon with its requisite cheese-melt baguette toasties floating on top. It was, I have to admit, quite tasty, and just right for cool autumn evening. Everyone, including me, went back for seconds, so I was quite chuffed. A simple dish, but quite efficacious. I think that one will go onto the "regulars" list, at least for the cool months. Cheers, Marc (PS. For those that care, Mum's here for a couple of nights, so presence at MR may be limited)

05-24-2009, 07:51 PM	#260
Jaime_Astorga Member Retired Posts: 274 Karma: 4446 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Florida Device: PRS-350-SC: Sony Reader Pocket Edition	Okay, so a little kid goes up to his father and asks him "Daddy, why did you marry mommy?" The father looks at him in anger for a few seconds and replies "It was all your fault, you would-be bastard!"

05-27-2009, 06:58 PM	#261
desertgrandma Enjoying the show.... Posts: 14,270 Karma: 10462841 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Arizona Device: A K1, Kindle Paperwhite, an Ipod, IPad2, Iphone, an Ipad Mini & macAir	A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in to he other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"

06-06-2009, 04:59 PM	#262
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? Three - one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull? Jewelry. After all, a person is innocent until proven broke.

06-07-2009, 09:46 PM	#263
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Posted on Craig's List: SVP of Douchebag Reply to: job-402984315@craigslist.org Date: 2007-08-21, 11:46PM Job Title Sr VP of Douchebag Key Skills Whining, Credit-taking, project under/over estimation The SR VP of Douchebag will be responsible for developing and maintaining our consumer focused website and services, rapidly and unnecessarily taking credit for the development of integrations with partner websites and services, and generally setting impossible expectations for 3rd party application plugins. The ideal candidate possesses an MBA, is inflexible, and completely full of shit; able to delegate specific tasks on their own from their perceived business and product goals. Primary work will be focused on development of the web site using APIs and Web Services to connect to and use application data. Knowledge of the definition of API and/or website is not required. Secondary work will be designing, developing, and scaling a fully functional RSS feature. Reading of blogs is desired, but qualified applicants will be considered. Responsibilities: • Taking credit for your team implementing your impossible deliverables • Dining with Exec management on a weekly basis • PowerPoint presentations for the board (to be formatted by interns) • Knowledge of the existence of the internet • Understanding and using spellcheck on various applications • Delegation of any task put forth to you and not mentioned as a skill above Technical Skills: • Computer • Email • Telephone • Motor Vehicle Operation Compensation: Depends on namedropping Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. Original URL: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/eng/402984315.html

06-07-2009, 09:52 PM	#264
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Getting Old I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. --- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She replied, "No peer pressure." --- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. --- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?" --- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But thank God, I still have my driver's license. ---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. - --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

06-07-2009, 10:25 PM	#267
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	The Difference Between Religions ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the living incarnation of God. Jews don't recognize Jesus Christ as the Messiah. And Baptists don't recognize each other in bars.

06-07-2009, 10:31 PM	#268
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	It seems that the Jolly Green Giant's son got in trouble recently. He was addicted to Internet corn.

06-07-2009, 10:31 PM	#269
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? ~ ~ ~ A: Homeless.

06-07-2009, 10:45 PM	#270
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Q: How can you tell when a musician is really stupid? A: When the other musicians notice. Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singer's tombstones? A: "I didn't wake up this morning..." Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Get the drummer to do it. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. ~ So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums." "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a woman singer."