Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 695

Adoby · 02-15-2019, 05:56 PM

I ate a lot for breakfast. Now I'm a müslim.

Adoby · 02-17-2019, 01:41 AM

Christian skipped breakfast, I had Müslim. How about Jew?

drjd · 02-20-2019, 06:11 AM

….The Genetic marker for people who are naturally bad at spelling can be found in those with blood Type-O.

drjd · 02-23-2019, 02:39 PM

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...

... in another city!

drjd · 02-25-2019, 05:47 AM

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this.

"She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

stuartjmz · 02-25-2019, 06:03 AM

In one of the Guide series Douglas Adams riffs on the untranslatable nature of puns with "Be Like the 22nd elephant with heated value in space - bark!". Despite that, one of my favourites only works in Hinglish:
Why was the banana sad?
Because he was a kela

("kela" in Hindi is "banana", "akela" is "alone")

drjd · 02-28-2019, 09:46 AM

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

'Please leave!' shouts the manager 'We don't serve your type.'

Adoby · 03-01-2019, 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

'Please leave!' shouts the manager 'We don't serve your type.'

I assume the manager was Comic Sans?

drjd · 03-01-2019, 06:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adoby

I assume the manager was Comic Sans?

Groan...

drjd · 03-01-2019, 06:06 AM

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.

drjd · 03-03-2019, 05:50 AM

As my wife was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for her wrist, saying "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ?" she asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

drjd · 03-05-2019, 05:43 AM

I am itching to solve those math problems. I just need scratch paper.

Fbone · 03-06-2019, 02:15 PM

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.

drjd · 03-06-2019, 03:16 PM

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

A month later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Fbone · 03-07-2019, 11:55 AM

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

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02-15-2019, 05:56 PM	#10411
Adoby Handy Elephant Posts: 1,736 Karma: 26785668 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Southern Sweden, far out in the quiet woods Device: Thinkpad E595, Ubuntu Mate, Huawei Mediapad 5, Bouye Likebook Plus	I ate a lot for breakfast. Now I'm a müslim.

02-17-2019, 01:41 AM	#10412
Adoby Handy Elephant Posts: 1,736 Karma: 26785668 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Southern Sweden, far out in the quiet woods Device: Thinkpad E595, Ubuntu Mate, Huawei Mediapad 5, Bouye Likebook Plus	Christian skipped breakfast, I had Müslim. How about Jew?

02-20-2019, 06:11 AM	#10413
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	….The Genetic marker for people who are naturally bad at spelling can be found in those with blood Type-O.

02-23-2019, 02:39 PM	#10414
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family... ... in another city!

02-25-2019, 05:47 AM	#10415
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this. "She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

02-25-2019, 06:03 AM	#10416
stuartjmz Nameless Being	In one of the Guide series Douglas Adams riffs on the untranslatable nature of puns with "Be Like the 22nd elephant with heated value in space - bark!". Despite that, one of my favourites only works in Hinglish: Why was the banana sad? Because he was a kela ("kela" in Hindi is "banana", "akela" is "alone")

02-28-2019, 09:46 AM	#10417
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. 'Please leave!' shouts the manager 'We don't serve your type.'

03-01-2019, 06:06 AM	#10420
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.

03-03-2019, 05:50 AM	#10421
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	As my wife was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for her wrist, saying "I'm going to give you a bracelet." "Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ?" she asked coyly. "No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

03-05-2019, 05:43 AM	#10422
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I am itching to solve those math problems. I just need scratch paper.

03-06-2019, 02:15 PM	#10423
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.

03-06-2019, 03:16 PM	#10424
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." A month later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

03-07-2019, 11:55 AM	#10425
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.