Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by rebarnmom

Nothing like a little light humor to start the day!

arg !!!

[pshrynk]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

$300 please, you can pay the laddy at the door. I only accept cash, these days.

[rebarnmom]

I thought I'd better jump start the jokes. So here's one for you all.

A Minnesota couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. - Sure is freaking hot down here!

[Over]

What's similar between a christmas tree and a priest? Both have balls for decorative purposes.

[desertgrandma]

Originally Posted by Over

What's similar between a christmas tree and a priest? Both have balls for decorative purposes.

[rebarnmom]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[MrFinch]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

brilliant !!!


- how many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
fish.

Awesome! I, however, have a variation:
-How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to fill up the bathtub with machine parts and giraffe necks.

and, while I'm here...

How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He hangs off the light fitting, and the entire world revolves around him.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer. (with apologies to all our percussive members!)

[Format C:]

Frome the early nineties:

Goal: shoot yourself in the foot.
Here's how to do it in several programming languages.

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can’t tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, “That’s me, over there.”

JAVA
After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*, and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you’ve forgotten what the hell you’re doing.

Ruby
Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can’t find anywhere to shoot it.

PHP
You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.

ASP.NET
Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again. You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in the foot instead.

SQL
SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = ‘PULLED’;
INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);

Perl
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nobody can understand how you did it. Six months later, neither can you. (via Andy)

Javascript
YOu’ve perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.

CSS
You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.

Modula2
After realizing that you can’t actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

COBOL
Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.

LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ….

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.

APL
You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.

Pascal
The compiler won’t let you shoot yourself in the foot.

SNOBOL
If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot.
If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.

Concurrent Euclid
You shoot yourself in somebody else’s foot.

HyperTalk
Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you.
Answer the result.

Motif
You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.


Unix
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm: .o: No such file or directory
% ls
%

Paradox
Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.

Revelation
You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.

Visual Basic
You’ll shoot yourself in the foot, but you’ll have so much fun doing it that you won’t care.

Prolog
You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn’t allow it to explain.

Ada
After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.

Assembly
You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that’s done, you pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.

370 JCL
You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.

Python
You try to shoot yourself in the foot but you just keep hitting the whitespace between your toes.

_________________________________________

In the years the list has become really huge, you can find several more recipes...
I just add some:

iLiad
You drop a bomb on your foot, because the gun's flipbar was kept triggered a fraction of a second more...

iLiad v2
The gun, the bullet and your foot will be included in future updates. But updating is discontinued, so you have to wait for a community release.

Kindle
First you have to subscribe to a shoot-on-line service, then you can buy the trigger, the cock, the butt, the barrel, the magazine, the bullets. At the end, you can shoot yourself for 9.90$ only.

Kindle v2
Rumors say a gun is included in the hard case supplied with the new device.

Sony PRS
Load the gun via USB (PC-only), and shoot yourself in the foot. Slowly.

calibre
Open a ticket: in a few days kovidgoyal will shoot your foot with the best aim ever.

Bookdesigner
Load the foot, the gun and the bullets. After having shot your hands, knees, elbows and ankles, you eventually take a russian class to figure how to shoot yourself in the foot. But your finger no longer work, so you can't do it.

Mobipocket creator
Sorry. The production date of the gun is in the wrong format.

Cybook
First you have to find the right gun size to be loaded, then you have to find bullets for that gun. At the end, you use your foot to crash the device.

iPhone/iTouch
You have to register on App.Store. Then you can write your application, and submit it to be evaluated. It won't make it, because it's not politically correct, sorry.



I hope you like it...

[pshrynk]

That has got to be the longest linear post ever. Marc has the prize for most words, but that one scrolls forever...

[montsnmags]

Originally Posted by pshrynk

That has got to be the longest linear post ever. Marc has the prize for most words, but that one scrolls forever...

Is that a challenge, to combine both?

(Incidentally, your story-chapters aren't shy on loquacity, mate )



A joke...

A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle on the tummy. A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is banking up fast.

The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the assembly line is so banked up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

Just got this on a mailing list:

A boy sat in his bedroom and said aloud:
"My house has over seven hundred rooms."

As he walked down the stairs he continued:
"It's fourteen storeys high, you know."

He walked into the kitchen and added:
"Every room is fitted with the latest in digital
entertainment technology."

Finally he wandered into the sitting room, saying:
"And at current housing prices,
it's worth well over a million pounds."

His father looked up.
"I wish you wouldn't spend all day just lying about the house!"

[nrapallo]

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

Just got this on a mailing list:

A boy sat in his bedroom and said aloud:
"My house has over seven hundred rooms."

As he walked down the stairs he continued:
"It's fourteen storeys high, you know."

He walked into the kitchen and added:
"Every room is fitted with the latest in digital
entertainment technology."

Finally he wandered into the sitting room, saying:
"And at current housing prices,
it's worth well over a million pounds."

His father looked up.
"I wish you wouldn't spend all day just lying about the house!"

[YGG-]

During a medical check up, a lady complains about her tepid sex life; husband's not so much interested any more etc.
The doc says "Now, you want to take the initiative & help things happen! A nice dinner, candles, champagne, & just before your husband drinks, slip a Viagra pill into the champagne glass; should do the trick"
"Thanks doc, will do"
Next day, back to the doctor, the lady says "oh, doctor! I did everything the way you said I should; nice dinner, candles, champagne, Viagra... as soon as my husband drank, he jumped on me and did it to me every way he knew and then some".
"Oh wow, great! you happy?"
"Yes; but i guess we won't be able to go back to this restaurant again..."

[YGG-]

Originally Posted by rebarnmom

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

[A cynical variant] They go to the judge to get a divorce -- the judge says "but? What the heck? After all these years ?" And they answer "well, now that the children are dead..."

[montsnmags]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers.

Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna