"The Second Book of Memorable First Sentences From Books That Don't Exist"

[Dr. Drib]

About 3 years ago, I edited a book of memorable first sentences to books that don't exist. (It's available here in our Library.)

I think it's time to put together another one. That first book was a huge amount of fun for me, with many members joining with hilarious contributions and wild imaginations.

You'll post your sentences in this thread, and then after a period of time has gone by I'll select the ones that I feel represent our contributors' best efforts. At that point, I'll close the thread and work on making the book available here.

Here are some examples from the first book, to give you an idea of what it was like:


Her legs were perfect and they were perfectly placed, and that made me wonder where the rest of her body was located.
— Dr. Drib

John wrote stories because of a lifelong interest in entertaining and enlightening people, but unfortunately for him readers found his work neither entertaining nor enlightening.
— mjh215

She had the kind of face you see on an embalming table where the bullet hole is barely visible, unless you bend down real close and kind of squint your eyes up tight, like you’re looking down a rifle-barrel when you’re robbing someone and accidentally pull the trigger and the person falls over, upsetting a display of carbonated drinks that then scatter all over the floor, and the people are all screaming and blood is thick everywhere on the floor as more commotion leads to more chaos, with a kind of domino effect that continues on out into the street as people run around the parking lot like chickens with their heads cut off, clucking and screaming insane things, really bad things, their faces agitated and their eyes on fire with fright, like the corpse that you’re looking at right now on the embalming table, the one you killed, as if the eyes can still remember what the mind no longer comprehends – that kind of face, you know what I mean?
— Dr. Drib

Somehow, kneeling trussed-up in a huge cooking pot, over a roaring flame, was not what I had in mind when the tribal chief told his comely daughter to take me home and entertain me ‘missionary style’.
— Ralph Sir Edward

That should give you an idea of what that first book was like.

Upon publication, all rights will revert back to the original contributors.

The artwork on that first volume was not very good, so perhaps an artist of exquisite renown [a MobileRead member ] could contribute something more worthy of the contents.

Well, what do you think? Are you game for a second volume?

Your priceless prose will be ONE sentence in length (and of whatever length you need to write your masterpiece. See the examples above). You can make as many contributions as you wish.


Dr. Drib

[crich70]

'Ron wasn't given to periods of deep introspection, but if he had been he'd probably consider his life to be like something out of a badly written book,' that aught to do it Josie thought, as she saved her Word document.

~Crich70

[Dr. Drib]

Only one sentence is allowed, crich70.

Please rewrite/rework this one.



Don

[crich70]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

Only one sentence is allowed, crich70.

Please rewrite/rework this one.



Don

ok. Will do. I didn't realize it had to be just one sentence from the header "memorable 1st sentences."

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by crich70

ok. Will do. I didn't realize it had to be just one sentence from the header "memorable 1st sentences."

Thanks. I'll clarify that.



Don

[Prestidigitweeze]

Feel free to delete this if it's too racy:

The taxidermist had perambulatory eyes -- the sort that followed you around the promontory whistling before bumping corneas and leaping to their erotic deaths, optic nerves gesticulating with one-fingered gloves at the gyrations of the lighthouse which towered above them, its pulsating lantern provoking saltwater baptisms of desire from the vitreous tumors of the eyes that now flattened in their descent, molding themselves in readiness for the consummation of their voyeurism with the Vaterlode of ocean below.

-- Prestidigitweeze (1847-1910)

[Prestidigitweeze]

When told he wrote with a poetic mind, Vengus replied, "Yes, and it's difficult to refill the occipital lobe once the poetic mind I write with runs out of ink."

-- Prestidigitweeze MacTagle (1647-1509)

[Dr. Drib]

Much thanks to Prestidigitweeze for suggesting that the title be changed slightly, which now reads

'Memorable First Sentences From Books That Don't Exist.'


----OK, the sentences are starting to come in. Where's yours!?!?



Don

[Greg Anos]

Don, could you provide a link to the first book?

[Bilbo1967]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Don, could you provide a link to the first book?

That's rubbish. I wouldn't carry on reading any book that had that as its first sentence.

[Greg Anos]

Although my horse was galloping along at it's usual mile-eating pace; the worry at the back of my mind still nagged - would I have enough quarters to keep going before "Black Bart" decided it was nap time...

(Better Bilbo?)

[Greg Anos]

"I didn't say that space or time didn't exist; I said you don't have the space and I don't have the time to let you enjoy your theory with me."

From the Book The Stripper and Einstein aka The Space Angel

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Don, could you provide a link to the first book?

Heres' the LRF version:

https://www.mobileread.com/forums/showthread.php?t=36441


Here's the mobi/prc version:

https://www.mobileread.com/forums/showthread.php?t=36457





Don

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Although my horse was galloping along at it's usual mile-eating pace; the worry at the back of my mind still nagged - would I have enough quarters to keep going before "Black Bart" decided it was nap time...

(Better Bilbo?)

NOTE:

Do you want a comma rather than a semi-colon?



Don

[Greg Anos]

You can punctuate as you please, just don't try to ventilate....