Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 322

Javed · 04-13-2012, 06:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

My friend visited a Native American settlement recently and bought me some false teeth back.

"What the hell are these?" I asked.

"Sioux veneers" he said.

A woman walked up to a little wrinkled up man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look", she said. "What's your secret for a happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat lots of fatty foods, and never ever take any exercise."
"That's amazing, "the woman said. "Exactly how old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.

Fbone · 04-13-2012, 08:24 PM

We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.

Lycoming · 04-14-2012, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.

Agreed, but that still includes those who were treading water, explains a lot doesn't it.

orlok · 04-14-2012, 07:07 PM

I found thousands of letters in my postbox today.

That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.

PeterT · 04-14-2012, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orlok

I found thousands of letters in my postbox today.

That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.

Fbone · 04-14-2012, 08:52 PM

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

Stitchawl · 04-14-2012, 08:57 PM

Disclaimer - Don't shoot the messenger.

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal. The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexual preference and disability. Sailors will have to work only a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime. All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the fleet, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and ratings' messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "rum, sodomy and the lash", so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced with sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavors except Capstan Full Strength. Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or mustaches, and this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag has already been discarded. The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will glide gently into the water as the band of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England 's south coast. The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules"

PeterT · 04-14-2012, 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

Spoiler:

I should have seen that line coming! Unfortunately though, I can see that happening

orlok · 04-15-2012, 04:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stitchawl

"Britannia waives the rules"

It really feels that way sometimes. Did you know that the UK is the only European country that rigorously applies the Brussels directives? Other member states sensibly give the nonsensical rules the finger.

Fbone · 04-15-2012, 02:06 PM

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

orlok · 04-15-2012, 04:17 PM

I always say "I love U" to my girlfriend. Because its by far my favourite vowel.

Stitchawl · 04-15-2012, 07:49 PM

Q: What do promiscuous Eskimos get from rubbing noses?

A: Sniffleous!

Stitchawl

Daithi · 04-15-2012, 11:21 PM

An Eskimos snowmobile won't start, so he has a local mechanic take a look at it.

The mechanic says, "I think you've blown a seal."

The Eskimo says, "Naw, that's just frost on my mustache."

Daithi · 04-15-2012, 11:25 PM

What do you get when divide a native Alaskan's waist size by the number of inches from her bellybutton to her side?

[You don't have to look.

]

Spoiler:

pdurrant · 04-16-2012, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daithi

What do you get when divide a native Alaskan's waist size by the number of inches from her bellybutton to her side?

[You don't have to look.

]

Spoiler:

04-15-2012, 11:25 PM	#4829
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	What do you get when divide a native Alaskan's waist size by the number of inches from her bellybutton to her side? [You don't have to look. ] Spoiler: Eskimo pi.

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04-13-2012, 08:24 PM	#4817
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.

04-14-2012, 07:07 PM	#4819
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I found thousands of letters in my postbox today. That's the last time I order a dictionary from IKEA.

04-14-2012, 08:52 PM	#4821
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

04-14-2012, 08:57 PM	#4822
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Disclaimer - Don't shoot the messenger. The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws. The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counselors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal. The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexual preference and disability. Sailors will have to work only a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime. All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the fleet, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and ratings' messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "rum, sodomy and the lash", so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced with sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavors except Capstan Full Strength. Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or mustaches, and this applies equally to women crew members. The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag has already been discarded. The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will glide gently into the water as the band of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England 's south coast. The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels". His final words were "Britannia waives the rules"

04-15-2012, 02:06 PM	#4825
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

04-15-2012, 04:17 PM	#4826
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	I always say "I love U" to my girlfriend. Because its by far my favourite vowel.

04-15-2012, 07:49 PM	#4827
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Q: What do promiscuous Eskimos get from rubbing noses? A: Sniffleous! Stitchawl

04-15-2012, 11:21 PM	#4828
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	An Eskimos snowmobile won't start, so he has a local mechanic take a look at it. The mechanic says, "I think you've blown a seal." The Eskimo says, "Naw, that's just frost on my mustache."