"The Three Laws of Zombiotics" - STORIES, PSEUDO NON-FICTION, POETRY, ETC. NEEDED

[mr ploppy]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

Getting back to DOD: It seems that anyone can actually outwalk a shambling zombie. They're apparently as slow as The Mummy (I'm thinking Glen Strange and Boris Karloff - The Universal Films, not the newer ones.)

Which would tend to indicate either a non-functioning circulatory system, or at the very least a severely restricted one. Further disproving the theory that they would gain anything from eating brains.

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by mr ploppy

Which would tend to indicate either a non-functioning circulatory system, or at the very least a severely restricted one. Further disproving the theory that they would gain anything from eating brains.

I'm thinking perhaps hip joints are the first thing to go once one becomes a zombie, which would indicate musculoskeletal issues relating to (un)dead tissue.

...Or perhaps an undue amount of calcium deposits.


Don

[Solitaire1]

I wrote the following as part of a post:

Originally Posted by Solitaire1

An example of this is in the comic book series "izombie" where the lead character is a zombie who appears to be normal (looks and mentally functions like a regular person). However, for her to maintain that state she must consume a human brain once a month (a newly dead brain is acceptable). If she fails to do so she will fall into standard zombie mode and lose herself forever.

To which mr ploppy responded in part of a post:

Originally Posted by mr ploppy

Comics also have people flying around in their underwear, that doesn't make them true.

This brought forth some issues that I think need to be discussed concerning zombies since it appears we are establishing the field of zombieology (the study of zombies).

First, what is the definition of "zombie"? It is simply a dead body that has been, somehow, reanimated or does extend into other types of living-impared characters? The following are fictional examples of characters that might fall into the realm of zombies:

- The standard decaying body undead (The movie "The Night Of The Living Dead").

- Bodies that still function (are able to think and move) but have become living impaired (The movies "Death Becomes Her" and "Dead Heat").

- A duplicate of a living person that becomes flawed and soon do not function like the original person (Bizarro, an imperfect duplicate of Superman).

- Dead bodies that have been reanimated by other means and function in a manner that is similar to zombies (Black Lanterns, dead bodies reanimated by a black power ring with all of the powers, abilities, and knowledge of the original person who seek out hearts filled with emotion).

Also, what are the accepted sources of information on zombies? Is it limited to classic movies and stories of the past, or are more recent stories also valid as a source of information?

[jinlo]

For what it's worth, I only view Zombies as creatures that have contracted the Zombie virus through the bite of another Zombie. (It has been labeled the Solanum Virus in Max Brooks' great work "The Zombie Survival Guide.")

Reanimating the dead through magic, power rings, voodoo, telekinesis, poor parental guidance, amphetamines or lightning does not create the true Zombie threat. Frankenstein's monster was dead and then reanimated, but he was never a Zombie. The true potential consequences regarding a Zombie is that just one can lead to a horde in only a matter of days or even hours. This is simply because the virus is believed to have a 100% transmission rate. If you're bitten, you've got the virus, and unless the brain is destroyed, it's hello Zombiehood.

I would never restrict the study of Zombies to any limited source. Insight can be gained in numerous areas of related study. Let me once again turn to Frankenstein's monster. Though the monster was not a true Zombie, it is interesting to consider the reactions of the villagers once they realized a reanimated corpse walked among them. They banded together with torches and pitchforks to destroy the monster. Imagine if that mentality persisted during a true Zombie outbreak. A Zombie would simply not run and hide at the nearest mill when it saw numerous townsfolk coming in its direction. Instead, it would happily wonder which tasty treat to devour first.

[jinlo]

I gave a bit more thought the to dietary desires of the Zombie and I have developed a theory. If we are to accept that a Zombie will not eat another Zombie but only a living member of its own species, then a Zombie's food supply is limited to the living human population. It is also in competition with other Zombies for that food source.

Now let's just say that a Zombie will eat just about any part of the human anatomy, except for maybe a toenail (that's just too disgusting to consider.) If a Zombie takes a nice big bite of a living person's calf, the Zombie feels quite refreshed, but it now has a future problem. The victim with a bite out of its leg will soon succumb to the infected wound, die, and then become a Zombie as well. There are now two Zombies competing over the same food supply. If, however, the original Zombie goes after the brains of its first victim as opposed to the calf, the Zombie gets a satisfying meal and the victim will not reanimate because the brain is gone.

Thus, it is my hypothesis that a Zombie will eat just about anything from a human victim, except for the aforementioned toenail, but will focus first and foremost on the brain in order to keep competition in check.

[mr ploppy]

Originally Posted by jinlo

I gave a bit more thought the to dietary desires of the Zombie and I have developed a theory. If we are to accept that a Zombie will not eat another Zombie but only a living member of its own species, then a Zombie's food supply is limited to the living human population. It is also in competition with other Zombies for that food source.

Now let's just say that a Zombie will eat just about any part of the human anatomy, except for maybe a toenail (that's just too disgusting to consider.) If a Zombie takes a nice big bite of a living person's calf, the Zombie feels quite refreshed, but it now has a future problem. The victim with a bite out of its leg will soon succumb to the infected wound, die, and then become a Zombie as well. There are now two Zombies competing over the same food supply. If, however, the original Zombie goes after the brains of its first victim as opposed to the calf, the Zombie gets a satisfying meal and the victim will not reanimate because the brain is gone.

Thus, it is my hypothesis that a Zombie will eat just about anything from a human victim, except for the aforementioned toenail, but will focus first and foremost on the brain in order to keep competition in check.

You don't turn into a zombie as soon as you are bit, there is a delay of several hours. Plenty of time for them to eat their fill before then.

But who says they are only interested in eating their own (living) species?

[Dr. Drib]

As mentioned, zombies do not eat other zombies. That means - in a worst case scenario for both zombies and humans (if they are all eaten) - that the food supply becomes finite with time.

Zombies, if they had a brain (hahaha), would try to overcome this dilemma, but they are driven by one need: Brains and more brains. Equally troublesome is that they do not appear to get full, and are constantly on the search for brains. This leaves them no pause to consider the circumstances of their problem. (A zombie is definitely not someone you'd want to be a stock portfolio analyst, or someone in charge of your investment capital.)

About toenails: My understanding is that toenails and fingernails continue to grow after death. Has anyone read any study on whether or not toenails continue to grow on zombies?

Yes, zombies do compete for the same meal. But let's look at the number of zombies currently shambling about: Do they know they are competing for the same food source? The fact that there IS more than one zombie (we can agree on this, right?) might suggest that zombies are not very accurate when they take a bite out of a human.

For example, if zombies propagate due to a mistake in biting some part other than the brain (and the person becomes infected), wouldn't this also suggest that the person bit has successfully escaped? Because there are so many zombies, doesn't this suggest that it is easy to escape from a zombie?


Don

[NickSpalding]

I know zombies don't like The Trooper by Iron Maiden.

[Solitaire1]

Originally Posted by jinlo

I gave a bit more thought the to dietary desires of the Zombie and I have developed a theory. If we are to accept that a Zombie will not eat another Zombie but only a living member of its own species, then a Zombie's food supply is limited to the living human population. It is also in competition with other Zombies for that food source.

Now let's just say that a Zombie will eat just about any part of the human anatomy, except for maybe a toenail (that's just too disgusting to consider.) If a Zombie takes a nice big bite of a living person's calf, the Zombie feels quite refreshed, but it now has a future problem. The victim with a bite out of its leg will soon succumb to the infected wound, die, and then become a Zombie as well. There are now two Zombies competing over the same food supply. If, however, the original Zombie goes after the brains of its first victim as opposed to the calf, the Zombie gets a satisfying meal and the victim will not reanimate because the brain is gone.

Thus, it is my hypothesis that a Zombie will eat just about anything from a human victim, except for the aforementioned toenail, but will focus first and foremost on the brain in order to keep competition in check.

One reason a zombie might attack the other parts of the body is simply to disable the potential meal. An injured leg would slow someone down and thus make it easier for the zombie to get at the part(s) of the body they do want. Since it's been established in previous posts that it takes time for a victim to turn into a zombie, there would be time for the zombie/zombies to completely consume the victim before they were dealing with another zombie.

As far as why zombies seek out brains, for a zombie it could simply be the best tasting part of the victim. A leg might be the zombie equivalent of plain oatmeal, while the brain might be the zombie equivalent of chocolate.

[jinlo]

As there seems to be some lively debate regarding Zombies, I decided to go right to the source. The following is a teaser transcript of my up close and personal interview with a Zombie.

Me: It's been asserted that Zombies will only go after victims identical to their own species. Is this true?
Zombie: Nnnnmmmggghhhh.

Me: Do you only eat the brains of your victim?
Zombie: Nnnnnnmmmmgggghhhhhhh!

Me: Do the brains taste better than say a leg?
Zombie: Nnnnmmmmmmggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Me: You don't eat toenails, do you? You know what, never mind, it's best we don't go there.
Zombie: Nmgh?

Me: Will you eat another Zombie?
Zombie: Nnnnmm(cough)mmmgg(cough)ggggghhh(cough)hhhhh.*

*I'm not sure the Zombie actually coughed, but it sounded like a cough and so that's the way it's been transcribed.

And there you have it. There's much more, but at this stage of our studies, I decided only to release this segment of the interview. I hope this new information is as enlightening to you as it has been to me.

[carld]

We don't want to upset any prissy personalities

I resent that! *fume*

Anyway, zombies don't need circulatory or digestive systems. All their minimal metabolic processes are carried out by the infecting agent, a type of bacteria which uses the undead to spread from one host to another. The zombie's tissues are infused with the bacteria, which ferries the needed brain chemicals from the mouth, throat, stomach, wherever to the zombie's brain.

Locomotion is likewise carried out through chemical stimulation of the various muscle groups. It's a cumbersome process accounting for the zombie's slow and staggering movements. The zombie occasionally needs to devour bits of blood and tissue to feed the bacteria, accounting for the zombie's habit of non-brain flesh nomming.

[DixieGal]

No one has addressed their raggedy bad fashion sense. After all, they were buried in their finest togs. So why do they come out of their coffins wearing what can only be described as shabby shroud style?

[carld]

Originally Posted by DixieGal

No one has addressed their raggedy bad fashion sense. After all, they were buried in their finest togs. So why do they come out of their coffins wearing what can only be described as shabby shroud style?

You ever try sewing a button back on a shirt for a zombie? No gratitude at all, and they only pay in horrible screaming death dollars.

[Solitaire1]

Originally Posted by DixieGal

No one has addressed their raggedy bad fashion sense. After all, they were buried in their finest togs. So why do they come out of their coffins wearing what can only be described as shabby shroud style?

Possibility One: Zombies absorb chemicals from their clothing, causing the clothing to degrade over time. This could be the reason they tend to be dressed in shades of gray, they absorb all of the other colors.

Possibility Two: Their good clothing was stolen, leaving them with only rags.

Possibility Three: Being a fashionable zombie requires raggedy clothing. The Zombie Fashion Police decend upon unfashionable potential zombies and ensure they meet appropriate zombie fashion standards.

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by Solitaire1

One reason a zombie might attack the other parts of the body is simply to disable the potential meal. An injured leg would slow someone down and thus make it easier for the zombie to get at the part(s) of the body they do want. Since it's been established in previous posts that it takes time for a victim to turn into a zombie, there would be time for the zombie/zombies to completely consume the victim before they were dealing with another zombie.

As far as why zombies seek out brains, for a zombie it could simply be the best tasting part of the victim. A leg might be the zombie equivalent of plain oatmeal, while the brain might be the zombie equivalent of chocolate.

There may be some merit in part of your logic, as I've often seen zombies play with intestines like a child playing with a Slinky.

However, I feel much of your logic is flawed when you state that a zombie is going for other body parts in order to slow someone down.

I personally feel that a human with only one leg could walk faster than a zombie, but I can find no definitive studies to back up this premise.


Don