The Case of The Golden Coprolite

[pshrynk]

Don't let them bug you! I paid attention to them and ended up using a squid as a gun. Generally, I'm violently opposed to violence, myself, but it makes for a rather weird story.

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Don't let them bug you! I paid attention to them and ended up using a squid as a gun. Generally, I'm violently opposed to violence, myself, but it makes for a rather weird story.

aw, but admit it pshrynk, the squid bits were all instant classics !!

[pshrynk]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

aw, but admit it pshrynk, the squid bits were all instant classics !!

I said weird, not bad.

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by pshrynk

I said weird, not bad.

well as long as we agree about that then !

[Taylor514ce]

"Hugo?"

"What now, Lefty?"

"What're 'squid bits'?"

"A kind of cat food, I think."

"Oh. Hugo?"

"What?!"

"We need some squid bits."

"Why?"

"The cats are watching me again."

[zelda_pinwheel]

life is full of danger and excitement for smart socks.

[Greg Anos]

I spent the next couple of days waiting on BadGoodDeb's report. In the meantime, I braced VR to get his end of the job rollin'.

"Howdy, VR. I need for you do to some prep work for this job. Things are still not movin' yet, but when they let loose, I'm gonna need to move fast. And with some horsepower behind me."
"Buy your own beans, Redneck."
"Now that's not the right attitude to take. I came for some simple requests to help with the diplomatic end of things, and all I'm getting is static. You'd think you weren't interested in recovering Glittering Glop at all."
"So far, all I've seen is you growing calluses on your fundamental. I've paid $10K so far for legwork, and all I've gotten for it is $100K in medical bills for the Kingdom."
I was afraid he'd heard about BadGoodDeb. Seems I was right.
"Now, VR, if the Kingdom hadn't hired a common pervert for a customs officer, y'all wouldn't have that bill. Now let's get back to our rat killin'."
"The only rats I see getting killed are dying from old age."
"You know, if it weren't for queen Z, I'd let sniff out that coprolite yourself! And give you shoe leather afterburner while you're at it." I was gettin' a bellyful of this arrogant doggie.
He glared at me. I glared at him.
I guess he figgered that it wouldn't do his Viceroy gig much good if I quit on him. 'Cause then he'd have to explain why, and Certain People would not like the reason he'd have to give.
"All right, Redneck, what more do you need out of the Kingdom of Pinwheel?"
"I'll need a diplomatic passport, and a diplomatic pouch. Possibly some international transportation. I'm assuming you already have the same for yourself."
"My human carries the pouch."
I heroically left off a joke or six. Now that maybe I was gettin' some co-operation, I wasn't gonna queer the deal.
"Right."
"Why can't you get them from your own country? You are a citizen, aren't you?"
"Do you know what Foggy Bottom charges? At least $70 miilion in bribes - excuse me - campaign contributions, and then you gotta put up with the mamby-pamby peckin' order crap. I tryin' to do some work for Pinwheel, not get caught in some perpetual rump-kissin' contest. Y'all got the vested interest, not the US. Besides, as Sir Sir Ralph Sir Edward, in the internation Service of Her Majesty, this is not an unreasonable request."
"I guess not. Do you have you snapshots?"
"Right here."
"Hand them to my human. The pouch will have to come from the D.C. embassy, so it won't get here until tommorrow. How big?"
"Big enough to carry the glitteratti and my .22, if necessary. When we recover it, we don't want it goin' thru customs, now do we?"
VR has the good grace to look sheepish. "No, we don't want it to go thru customs and the Press. Anything else."
"Not at the moment. I suspect that the missing item is outside both our countries. But until I get my op's report back from Pinwheel, we won't know where."
"Do you have an idea where?"
"I have a strong idea where, but it's just that, an idea. This frog's not gonna hop till he hears some buzzin'. Now, if you don't mind, I'd just as soon sweat out the wait back at my office, rather than here."
"Don't let the door hit you on the backside, Redneck."

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

well, that's debatable... but i suspect hugo would manage it though. lefty... not so sure. but even just sharing one fedora between them i'm sure they'd be ultra stylie.

OK, so it ended up more gonzo than noir. Which means I present to you:

Hugo S. Thompson (the S, of course, stands for Smart, not Sock)

[vivaldirules]

I'm pretty certain that a pair of socks could fit inside a diplomatic pouch, aren't you?

[Greg Anos]

So I was back at my desk, throwin' darts at FDR, waiting for BadGoodDeb's legwork. Once I take a case and load up the .22 with serious ammo, I don't use it for practice till the case's over.
The phone rang.
"Hello, Boss."
"Howdy, BadGoodDeb. Is this a report call or a bailout call?"
"A report call, Boss."
"Let me flip on the record botton.. OK, let 'er rip!" I dont waste time on paper reports from the field. Mindy types 'em for the record. And complains about it. Even though I made perfectly clear that transcribing was part of the job up front. Back when Dudley was doing the job, I never got a beef.
"Per you orders, I didn't kill anybody, although I was tempted several times.There was a body involved though. One of the queen's bathroom attendants was found dead on the job, apparently of a heart attack."
"Was she carrin' the football?" I interrupted.
"Yes, she did while the queen bathed. Her Majesty didn't like soldiers around watching when she was all wet, without any make-up. I don't blame her."
"Autopsy?"
"No sign of struggle, no puncture wounds. Toxicology show poison, and something called DMSO."
"DMSO is a banned skin solvent used back in the 1950's and '60's. Caused cancer in lawyers. It was used in the old days 'cause it would allow the uptake of other chemicals through the skin. That way, you could dope up a football player without running the risk of an infection. D--ned tricky to use for poisoning, you might poison yourself."
"Right, Boss. That's why when Her Majesty got done, she used the time-key to check on the "item". She must have mentally pieced the two together."
"Probably. This Queen is not stupid. Even if she has some idiots in the laundry. Did the deceased have any friends who turned up missin'?"
"Well, sort of. A friend of hers was a lady pilot, in and out of the country all the time. She was the pilot of a private LearJet and flew out that morning."
"Let me guess. Flight plan with 4 stops end in OZ, leaving about 45 minutes after the queen started bathing."
"Boss, you're more that just an ugly face. The flight plan read - Pinwheel to Ankara, Ankara to Mumbai, Mumbai to Singapore, and Singapore to Darwin."
"Now for the sixty-four thousand dollar question, just who was on the flight."
"The pilot and a blind Scotsman with a chocolate football trophy."
"A blind Scotsman?"
"Well, boss. He was wearing a sporran and a kilt, wearing dark glasses, and being led by a seeing-eye dog. Everybody figured that he was a blind Scotsman."
I re-squallowed my heart. "Was the seeing-eye dog a German Sheperd, and did it get on the plane?"
"I guess it was, Boss. It did get on the plane. Why?"
"Let's just say this case this case got very interesting, all of a sudden. Here are some explicit orders, please follow them to the letter. Go back to the palace, and see the Poo-Bah. Have him take you to a secure Fax. Call me then. I'm going to fax you three pictures, front, back, and side. Put a cover on the Fax so nobody else can see them. If the Poo-Bah start asking questions, give him to me. Take the pictures with you to the airport and see if anybody matched the pictures to the seeing-eye dog. The dog'll probably have a few gray hairs around the muzzle not on the picture. When you are done questioning, personally burn, and I do mean burn, the faxes and grind up the ashes. Then haul A-- out of Pinwheel and lose yourself in a big city, pronto. Call me then. Hop means a positive id. Lilypad means a negative id. And if it's hop. you may have to play John Wayne at Normandy to get out. Don't worry about the body count then."
"Oooooh. I hope it's hop."
"You're a blood-thirsty wench, BadGoodDeb."
"Boss, you say the sweetest things."
"So scram."
"Scramming."

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

TWO more chapters?

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

OK, so it ended up more gonzo than noir. Which means I present to you:

Hugo S. Thompson (the S, of course, stands for Smart, not Sock)

am, that is BRILLIANT !!!! and the resemblance is striking !! i can almost smell the gauloise. i want a framed print of that to hang on my wall.

i can't even decide which is more brilliant today, the new chapters of the story or the portrait. bravo to both of you !

wow, for a monday, things are looking up !!!

you know, i think someone needs to write a saga that can use am's portrait as the cover. who's up ?

[DixieGal]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Sorry gang, but I have a life that sometimes needs to be taken care of. It takes me around 3-4 hours for each batch, and today I have - planted 60 boysenberry plant, move 19 big pots into the sun, cooked 2 meals, Rearranged video equipment, chopped up cardboard boxes for recycling, and ate my first home-grown orange of the year. (Yummy!) And watch the Cowboys lose. Have a heart. I will start working on the next batch bright and early tommorrow morning. (Assuming no disasters occur overnight.) And yes I need to get this going. I've already come up with 6 different endings. (Decisions, decisions...)

Yes yes, quit'fhure bellyachin and get writing. That's an average day for a woman. Haven't you ever heard of voice recognition software? People will think you are talking to yourself out in the boysenberry patch. But

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

WHAT ??? no hugo and lefty ??? not even a cameo ????? oh, you disappoint me. i feel sure that they would look brilliant in a fedora. so you're saying a talking dog is no trouble, but you draw the line at a pair of smart socks ? pff. amateur.

(i still love the story though, don't get me wrong !! )

Never fear, I assume Red is wearing socks. Or thongs (sandals, you silly!) Shoes without socks is very unhygenic. Maybe Hugo and Lefty are making an uncredited cameo appearance in support of their friend's, VR's, latest starring role.

AM: That drawing is too cute! It looks tough but Snuggle-soft.

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by DixieGal

Never fear, I assume Red is wearing socks. Or thongs (sandals, you silly!) Shoes without socks is very unhygenic. Maybe Hugo and Lefty are making an uncredited cameo appearance in support of their friend's, VR's, latest starring role.

right, the stealth cameo !!! good point.

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

right, the stealth cameo !!! good point.

You might check the Queen's laundry....