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Old 07-15-2010, 04:26 PM   #1
Dr. Drib
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"The Three Laws of Zombiotics" - STORIES, PSEUDO NON-FICTION, POETRY, ETC. NEEDED

Welcome MobileRead Members:

During a discussion of Zombies in the Chat Area, many of us were poking fun at Zombies - well, ok, we also poked long, sharpened sticks at them, but that's another story -; it occurred to me that what we were actually discussing is what I term "The Three Laws of Zombiotics," obsessional-based contributions upon the zany attributes of the Living Dead. I mean, the Living Undead. Ok, ok: Undead Creatures who refuse any kind of dietary supplement, choosing rather to stay locked into a seemingly narrow-based protein diet consisting of brains. Sheeeesh!

[The word 'Zombiotics' may need to be changed, however.]

It occurred to me that it's been a long time since I've assembled a book for MobileRead; so, this seems like a good idea waiting to happen.

I'm thinking that if enough Members show interest, this could become a wonderful collection of stories, pseudo non-fiction pieces, poetry, etc. for all lovers of the undead.

Here's what we have so far, for our Proposed Laws:


THE THREE LAWS OF ZOMBIOTICS


1) A zombie shall seek out brains from living members of its original species. [Thanks to Solitaire1.]

2) A zombie shall not eat another zombie. [Me.]

3) A zombie shall act in complete disregard of all circumstances while relentlessly focused upon pursuing its objective as stated in the First Law. [Thanks to jinlo.]


Remember, these are Proposed Laws, subject to revision and/or deletion.

Once they are codified, I'll start asking for contributions for an ebook collection, but if you already have something, send it along to me. PM me, please.

In the meantime, we can discuss this until body parts start to deteriorate. I mean, until body parts have decomposed to where there is nothing left but a sticky, jelly-like residue left on the keyboard.

Also, please give a hand (or finger ) to the participants over in the Chat Area for contributing - MAINLY - their sense of humor, a rare commodity these days.

If one can't laugh, then you probably already are a Zombie. And I know one person who fits that bill.


Don
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Old 07-15-2010, 04:56 PM   #2
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2) A zombie shall not eat another zombie. [Me.]
Really? I'm not that much of an expert, but I wouldn't have thought they were so fussy.

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If one can't laugh, then you probably already are a Zombie. And I know one person who fits that bill.

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Oh, do tell!
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Old 07-15-2010, 08:43 PM   #3
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Zombies are all about focus.

They don't get distracted--"Oh look, a butterfly." (None of that with a Zombie!)

They don't make excuses--"I'm not going in that room, it's on fire!" (Zombies don't care! They'll burn, but they don't care.)

They don't get emotionally attached--"My best friend just got shot!" (Zombies don't have friends, they just hang with a mob of associates.)

They don't sell out--"For that kind of money, I'll eat monkey burgers!" (Zombies don't pay for what they want, they just take it, so they don't need money. And they don't eat monkey burgers, unless it's some kind of monkey Zombie we're talking about. Then, I'm not sure.)

This single-minded focus is what I tried to encompass with the Third Law. Zombies don't fear any hazards they might encounter while in pursuit of their next meal. Water, fire, acid, cow manure; it's all irrelevant to the Zombie. Zombies won't even duck for cover when they see dozens of their own kind mowed down by machine gun fire.

Not only do they ignore the hazards, they ignore the loss of their own kind. They'll march right over a trench filled with their decapitated brethren without shedding a single tear. (If you think they're crying, forget it. It's only some kind of oozy discharge related to decay.)

I hope the Third Law reflects what I've described here. If not, please revise to ensure the Law truly defines the single-minded focus of the unwavering Zombie.
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Old 07-16-2010, 08:56 AM   #4
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Zombies also don't die of viral infections, because they're already undead. (Huh?)

Zombies don't get Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), and apparently do not defecate. (Curiously, zombies continue to shamble even when their intestines may be hanging out. Go figure.)

MODERATOR HAT ON: We must be careful in any discussion here on MobileRead about defecation and bodily functions. We don't want to upset any prissy personalities. However, in an ebook collection, one can eat brains and defecate all over the place, and at any time that one chooses. Even zombies. Hahahaha. MODERATOR HAT OFF.

Zombies don't die of old age.

Zombies don't enter Marathons.

Zombies are always apparently SHAMBLING, and never appear to rest or sit or sleep.

Zombies are also apparently incapable of carrying on conversations, especially with Moderators. ()

I've been unable to determine if zombies have personality disorders, unlike the Living who sometimes seek psychiatric help in order to overcome life's problems. Zombies apparently have NO problems.

The above are some ideas to explore - perhaps - in a humorous, pseudo non-fiction piece.




Don

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Old 07-16-2010, 10:04 AM   #5
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1) A zombie shall seek out brains from living members of its original species. [Thanks to Solitaire1.]

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No, no, no and no. Why would they go for something that is so well protected and hard to get to, when there is so much meat on the rest of the body there for the taking?

Perpetuating this myth that they are only interested in eating your brain just gives people a false sense of security. How many people do you see walking around in crash helmets thinking they are invulnerable? Or is that the idea? Send people out in crash helmets so that you can sneak past while the zombies are busy eating them?
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Old 07-16-2010, 10:41 AM   #6
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No, no, no and no. Why would they go for something that is so well protected and hard to get to, when there is so much meat on the rest of the body there for the taking?

Perpetuating this myth that they are only interested in eating your brain just gives people a false sense of security. How many people do you see walking around in crash helmets thinking they are invulnerable? Or is that the idea? Send people out in crash helmets so that you can sneak past while the zombies are busy eating them?

You make some very good points, some of which are certainly open for debate.

Another possible area of misconception is that zombies don't enjoy sitting around in steam rooms, especially not for long periods of time because their flesh can start to slough off.



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Old 07-16-2010, 11:52 AM   #7
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I have to admit to a certain degree of confusion regarding whether or not zombies restrict their diets to the brains of their victims.

In some cases, I've seen them happily gnawing on intestines and a pancreas or two, but perhaps this is just to pass the time until another brain can be found. There is only one brain per victim, and in some cases, not a very large offering at that. It might be that the brain represents the choice cut of meat, so to speak, but once it's gone, a zombie will take what a zombie can get.

One piece of documented evidence does show a Mr. Homer Simpson of Springfield avoiding a potentially painful fate simply because the zombies found the contents of his skull rather lacking. This, of course, is not concrete proof that zombies will disregard other parts of the human anatomy as sustenance, but it is something to consider.
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Old 07-16-2010, 12:13 PM   #8
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Really? I'm not that much of an expert, but I wouldn't have thought they were so fussy.
It is rather obvious. Otherwise there would be no hordes of zombies chasing the main protagonists.
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Old 07-16-2010, 03:42 PM   #9
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No, no, no and no. Why would they go for something that is so well protected and hard to get to, when there is so much meat on the rest of the body there for the taking?

Perpetuating this myth that they are only interested in eating your brain just gives people a false sense of security. How many people do you see walking around in crash helmets thinking they are invulnerable? Or is that the idea? Send people out in crash helmets so that you can sneak past while the zombies are busy eating them?
Because they need living brains in order for their own brains to continue to function, such as it does. One of the main reasons that zombies seek out living brains is to replenish the brain chemicals that are continually depleted from their own brains.

An example of this is in the comic book series "izombie" where the lead character is a zombie who appears to be normal (looks and mentally functions like a regular person). However, for her to maintain that state she must consume a human brain once a month (a newly dead brain is acceptable). If she fails to do so she will fall into standard zombie mode and lose herself forever.

I don't think a crash helmet would be much protection. The zombies would simply tear apart the rest of the living body to get to the part they want. As summed up in the proposed Third Law, zombies are relentless and nothing will stop them from getting to the brains they desire, you can only slow them down.

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Old 07-16-2010, 05:15 PM   #10
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Because they need living brains in order for their own brains to continue to function, such as it does. One of the main reasons that zombies seek out living brains is to replenish the brain chemicals that are continually depleted from their own brains.
For that to work they would need a working digestive system, as well as a working circulatory system to pump blood around their body in order for these mysterious chemicals to reach their own brain. If they had all that, they wouldn't really be classed as zombies, just psychopaths that like to eat brains.

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An example of this is in the comic book series "izombie" where the lead character is a zombie who appears to be normal (looks and mentally functions like a regular person). However, for her to maintain that state she must consume a human brain once a month (a newly dead brain is acceptable). If she fails to do so she will fall into standard zombie mode and lose herself forever.
Comics also have people flying around in their underwear, that doesn't make them true.

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I don't think a crash helmet would be much protection. The zombies would simply tear apart the rest of the living body to get to the part they want. As summed up in the proposed Third Law, zombies are relentless and nothing will stop them from getting to the brains they desire, you can only slow them down.
If you wore a full face helmet and full leathers they wouldn't be able to pull you apart, all they could do would be to give you a nasty pinch.
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Old 07-16-2010, 07:54 PM   #11
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Edit.

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Old 07-17-2010, 07:35 AM   #12
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I feel this is ground-breaking commentary on Zombies, especially their digestive system (such as it is - or isn't), and the use of crash helmets.

I also see a possible Consumer Report study of certain brands of crash helmets, to see how "Zombie Efficient" they are.

One potential problem we have not dealt with is what I term the Degree of Deterioration (DOD). This can present certain anomalies in any kind of discussion.

(By the way, has anyone ever actually SEEN a zombie in his underwear? --- "I once shot a zombie wearing my underwear. How it got in my underwear is still a mystery." [Marx Brothers - words slightly changed.]

Getting back to DOD: It seems that anyone can actually outwalk a shambling zombie. They're apparently as slow as The Mummy (I'm thinking Glen Strange and Boris Karloff - The Universal Films, not the newer ones.)

I think if one lived near the beach - in a beach house, for example - one would be able to easily outpace the shambling, crooked gait of a zombie.

These are just some rambling thoughts.



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Old 07-17-2010, 09:02 AM   #13
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Since Dr. Drib brings up Degree of Deterioration(DOD), I'm curious as to the existence of any studies regarding Zombies with certain modern cosmetic procedures, particularly the BOTOX injection.

Does anyone know of any research comparing the deterioration of a non-cosmetically enhanced Zombie against a fully-BOTOX-loaded Zombie? The areas of interest and related theories involving such studies are simply too numerous to mention in this small space.

One would, however, be forced to consider the potential hazards of such findings falling in the wrong hands. If it is discovered that BOTOX actually slows the deterioration process, the inherent danger in Zombie creation for destructive purposes in greatly magnified. An individual or even a national entity that wished to create an army of Zombie soldiers would increase the longevity of this force by requiring subjects to endure several BOTOX injections before inflicting the infecting Zombie bite.

With such a chilling thought, perhaps it is best if the existence of any relevant studies are kept from the public. I would ask that any information regarding BOTOX and Zombies is kept confidential, so please do not post any specific information in this forum. Just send a PM. Thanks.
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Old 07-17-2010, 09:29 AM   #14
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I know of one extreme case where a zombie received Botox injections. (See attached photo.)

Unfortunately, in this case Botox did not stop the DOD effects, but rather increased the rate of deterioration. As one can see, the side-effects are so deleterious as to render the zombie's face virtually unrecognizable.


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Old 07-17-2010, 01:55 PM   #15
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Oh, I will also happily chew through full leathers for S&G. I suspect you underestimate the human dental system, mightily.
What you should do, immediately after holing up somewhere, is remove everyone's teeth. That way if anyone dies unexpectedly they won't be a threat to you.
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