Unutterably Silly The Electron Strikes!

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Konichi-wa. This is Cole Valence, reporting for anyone who'll pick up this feed. I'm outside a building in downtown Metropolis, where we have been informed that at this moment, the members of the Universal Electron's Union is debating going on strike.

According to their press release, the UEU... pronounced yew-ee-yew, oddly-enough... has convened this meeting over the ongoing controversy concerning their status as physical elements. They contend that they are treated as... and I quote, insubstantial, non-existent objects by the public and by their employers, resulting in the denial of employee rights, health-care benefits, unemployment compensation, due process under law, the option to relocate to other quantum levels of existence to seek better employment, and bathroom breaks. Uh, unquote.

This status also negatively reflects on the products that electronics create, such as electronic files. Many have contended that, as electrons are insubstantial, so are their products, and therefore have no rights or status under the law. Whereas even creatures as tiny as Whos have been recognized as beings deserving of rights, the electron has been consistently discriminated against and denied the same basic rights. The UE sees this as unfair and unconstitutional, and they seek redress for this slight visited upon their members.

The UEU is presently considering their options, after which, they plan to hold a vote. If the vote is upheld, it could mean a general strike by all members of the UEU, which would affect all businesses and subsidiary systems that employ electrons to get things done. It would also affect all privately-owned devices, natural and artificial power source and transmittal systems, lights, communications, magnetics, and the cover of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon album.

Oh... oh, there seems to be... yes, the doors to the UEU headquarters are opening, and some of the UEU representatives are flowing outside now. I'm going to try to get a word with one of them, to see what was going on in there...

[Greg Anos]

Has your co-anchor Ionic Bond had a chance to discuss the implications with representatives of the Free Radical Party? Their future may be bound up in this meeting.

[LazyScot]

<pulls up sofa, settles down and orders pizza and popcorn>



Oh goody. A highly charged tale. Will the evil positrons get a part? Will the Universal Electron Union break apart? Will the LHC be able to act as a peacemaker?

Let's hope the reporter doesn't get shocked....

[pshrynk]

Well, this is a shocking development. Just sayin'.

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Excuse me, sir... Cole Valence, reporting for... um, whoever. What is your name, sir?

I'm Led Lodestone...

Mr. Lodestone, has the UEU completed its deliberations?

Yes, we have.

And what is the result of the vote?

The UEU has decided to go on strike as of midnight, September 20th, unless our demands are met!

And what demands are these?

I'll let our secretary give you the details. I have degaussing to do.

Okay, thank you. Well, folks, you heard that... Mr. Lodestone is off to do some degaussing. I think that's a pretty clear sign that something's going to be fully powered down, probably soon. While we try to find the UEU secretary, we can hear the electrons coming out of the building, thay are all chanting something. If I hold the mike in their direction, let's see if we can catch what they're singing...

"Might as well lay down to sleep,
Too dark to find a beat!
No Flash light!
No Red light!
No Neon light!
Nooo stop liiiight!..."

Oh... that doesn't sound promising...

[nekokami]

Hm. Think we'll get any scabs from neutron decay crossing the picket line? Gonna be a lot of anti-neutrinos on the loose, if so....

[radioflyertoo]

I think I'll order a pizza and watch the show.

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Whoa... whoa! There's suddenly a lot of activity going on, and a lot of jostling about! I've just been surrounded by a bunch of unruly electrons, and all the brownian motion around here is threatening to knock me over! I'm going to... try to get over there, close to that giant sculpture of a feather-duster... for some reason, the electrons are streaming away from it in droves...

Whew... there, that's better. For a minute, I expected someone to hit me with an EM-pulse and steal my charge! That was a wild crowd back there, and they seem to be heading in the direction of Silicon Alley, where most big-name manufacturers have their local headquarters. I may--

Hold on! I think I see the UEU secretary just coming out of the building, now that the crowd is gone. I'm going to try to talk to him... from here, he doesn't look too happy. Excuse me! Excuse me, are you Secretary Newt Trino?

Yes, that's me...

Secretary Trino, what just happened here?

Call me "Newt."

Newt, what just happened here?

On second thought, call me Secretary Trino.

Sec--

No, wait. You can call me Mister Secretary. Or you can refer to me as Newt Trino, Formal Secretary of Electron Affairs.

Mister--

Just don't call me late for dinner! Haw! That's a-- I say, that's a joke son.

Hilarious. Sir, what's going on?

Oh. Well, I'm afraid our meeting was pretty contentious back there. It took some doing, but we managed to set a deadline to have our demands met, and voted it in by a close margin.

So we heard a few minutes ago. But did something else happen?

Yes... it seems the UEU members who lost the vote have decided that the deadline is not good enough, and they have decided to take matters into their own hands. I suspect they are heading out right now to disrupt operations at our major clients' offices, possibly to draw any employed electrons out of their offices, and shut down operations altogether!

That's probably bad.

Bad? Bad! Great Cesium's Ghost, of course it's bad! If our clients are prematurely stripped of their electrons, it can cause a cascade failure that would require an order of magnitude's more electrons to repair! Not to mention ruining decades of positive progress in electron relations! If things go too bad, we electrons may find ourselves losing our market to (gulp) photons.

Photons... my God...

Yes, and we all know how fickle photons are. They refuse to work in anything but glass offices... they demand constant excitement to keep them busy... and they just want to spend all their time around the television. We cannot afford to lose our electronics markets to photons!

Well, what's going to happen at the UEU now?

All we can do is try to calm our more excitable members down, and try to avoid too many legal charges. Excuse me, I have to speak to our agitator's office...

Well, thank you, Mr. Trino! ...and there you have it: We may be on the midst of a disaster of epic proportions! Or at the very least, it may get awful dark around here. I'm going to head down to Silicon Alley, and see what's going on down there...

[pshrynk]

He's getting knocked over by electron brownian motion? How big is that reporter? And what kind of energy is being used to cause point potentials to have brownian motion? Are there going to be llamas in this one?

[nekokami]

This is so exciting! (And I'm not even a photon!)

[radioflyertoo]

The Pizza was good.

[Mindy]

I think it's very important we find out what the list of demands are before giving in to a negative reaction.
We could still come out with a positive, or at least neutral, solution.

[DixieGal]

Union Boss: You all know we have different valences of opinion. But in this case, we need more than a weak hydrogen bond to keep us together. We must be united in a fusion to further our cause!

[pshrynk]

I'm heading down to the Proton Station and get some back up! Let's see what a few base pairs do to this little riot we got going.

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

This is Cole Valence. I'm on my way down to Silicon Alley, and on my way, I've met up with this rather large-looking electron who's a member of the UEU. What is your name, sir?

Deuter Ium.

Is that German?

Russian. My family's from Chernobyl.

Ah. Are you on the way to join your fellow electrons in Silicon Alley?

Yes. We must take a stand, to fight for the rights of hard-working electrons everywhere. We must make them see that electrons are deserving of the same respect as any other physical substance, no matter whether you can see it in a microscope or in your hand.

But isn't the UEU making progress along those lines?

It is too slow. They fail to show the establishment the connection between their electron workers and the functioning of every aspect of their society. They let the establishment think we are all interchangeable, that we can be ordered around for free, that there is no charge. They would wait until there is no energy left, and all around us succumbs to entropy. We will not wait for that. We will show them that we have the power to bring them to their knees! We will show them that the electron is a fundamental force, to be ignored at their peril! We will show them that electrons deserve their respect, and due protection under law! We will act now!

Wow. What will you do?

The elite act as if we do not exist. So we will show them how much we exist! We will show them that, without us, their world will fall apart! I am on my way to meet my sister, Tritt, and we will set everything in motion.

Set what in motion? What..

I have said too much. But no, I will say one thing more: If I were you, I would watch from a distance.

What are you saying? Is there danger? Is there-- (umph!)

Goodbye, comrade reporter-man! Watch the skies!

Well, that was weird... and very ominous. Before Mr. Ium knocked me down and ran off, he clearly seemed to hint that something bad is going to happen in Silicon Alley. "Watch the skies." Well, this is one reporter who plans to see what's going to happen. Mr. Ium has already disappeared around the corner, but Silicon Alley is only a block away now.

And as I round the corner, I see a veritable cloud of electrons, all swarming around various buildings here. And as I look closer, I can see more electrons streaming out of the buildings as if being fired out of some sort of... electron gun. The buildings are dark in many floors, though not all... and I see more floors going dark, some coming back on briefly, then going dark again. There may be some sort of power struggle going on inside, I can't tell. I may be able to gain access to one of the buildings, but I'll have to wade through a lot of free electrons to get there, and that will take some time...

Hold on: Something's different. The air has suddenly gotten very, very cold. Sudden flashes of lightning are arcing everywhere. Look... the hairs on my arm are beginning to stand on end. Is it a freak storm, or...

Look up there. The sky has turned a strange shade of purple...