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Old 03-26-2021, 08:31 PM   #11371
cromag
Surfin the alpha waves ~~
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Well, today was a strange day. First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk. Then, I got chased for two blocks by an angry guy with a guitar.
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Old 03-27-2021, 05:27 AM   #11372
drjd
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"Are you going to be using your lawn mower Saturday?"
"Yes, I will be."
"Good... so can I borrow your car then?"
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Old 03-27-2021, 11:44 PM   #11373
guanaco
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Yesterday I found money outside of a bank. I asked myself: "What Jesus would do?" So I turned it into wine.
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Old 03-28-2021, 05:54 AM   #11374
pdurrant
The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guanaco View Post
Yesterday I found money outside of a bank. I asked myself: "What Jesus would do?" So I turned it into wine.
Surely Jesus would have donated it to Her Majesty the Queen.
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Old 03-28-2021, 05:55 AM   #11375
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The Couch Potato
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The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...
But he hesitated.
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Old 03-28-2021, 01:38 PM   #11376
DNSB
Bibliophagist
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An engineer dies and is sent to hell.

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?

The Devil says, ‟Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”

‟What?” says God.. ‟An engineer? I did not send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”

The Devil responds, ‟No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”

God demands, ‟If you don't send him to me immediately, I will sue!”

The Devil laughs. ‟Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
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Old 03-29-2021, 03:04 AM   #11377
guanaco
Brains!
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- Doctor, doctor, I can't remember anything.
- Since when did you have that problem?
- Which problem?


- Doctor, doctor, then, is there no choice but to operate?
- Of course.
- But I don't have anything.
- Great! Then the operation will be easier.


- Doctor, doctor, the invisible man is waiting.
- Tell him I can't see him.
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Old 03-29-2021, 06:02 AM   #11378
drjd
The Couch Potato
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An elderly couple was sitting together watching TV. During a commercial the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we even got a Christmas card from them last year."
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Old 03-30-2021, 07:52 AM   #11379
drjd
The Couch Potato
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A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.

"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.

"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.
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Old 03-31-2021, 04:50 AM   #11380
drjd
The Couch Potato
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My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
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Old 03-31-2021, 12:02 PM   #11381
DNSB
Bibliophagist
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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Old 04-01-2021, 06:02 AM   #11382
drjd
The Couch Potato
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From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Old 04-03-2021, 05:18 AM   #11383
drjd
The Couch Potato
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I sat in my hair stylist's chair and said, “Make me look sexy!”
She then got drunk.
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Old 04-07-2021, 06:21 AM   #11384
drjd
The Couch Potato
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Sign you are getting old:
You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.
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Old 04-09-2021, 04:11 PM   #11385
guanaco
Brains!
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"My husband is syphilitic," said one lady at a party. Her husband corrected her: "Philatelist, woman; philatelist."
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