Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 759

cromag · 03-26-2021, 08:31 PM

Well, today was a strange day. First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk. Then, I got chased for two blocks by an angry guy with a guitar.

drjd · 03-27-2021, 05:27 AM

"Are you going to be using your lawn mower Saturday?"
"Yes, I will be."
"Good... so can I borrow your car then?"

guanaco · 03-27-2021, 11:44 PM

Yesterday I found money outside of a bank. I asked myself: "What Jesus would do?" So I turned it into wine.

pdurrant · 03-28-2021, 05:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guanaco

Yesterday I found money outside of a bank. I asked myself: "What Jesus would do?" So I turned it into wine.

Surely Jesus would have donated it to Her Majesty the Queen.

drjd · 03-28-2021, 05:55 AM

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...
But he hesitated.

DNSB · 03-28-2021, 01:38 PM

An engineer dies and is sent to hell.

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?

The Devil says, ‟Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”

‟What?” says God.. ‟An engineer? I did not send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”

The Devil responds, ‟No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”

God demands, ‟If you don't send him to me immediately, I will sue!”

The Devil laughs. ‟Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

guanaco · 03-29-2021, 03:04 AM

- Doctor, doctor, I can't remember anything.
- Since when did you have that problem?
- Which problem?

- Doctor, doctor, then, is there no choice but to operate?
- Of course.
- But I don't have anything.
- Great! Then the operation will be easier.

- Doctor, doctor, the invisible man is waiting.
- Tell him I can't see him.

drjd · 03-29-2021, 06:02 AM

An elderly couple was sitting together watching TV. During a commercial the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we even got a Christmas card from them last year."

drjd · 03-30-2021, 07:52 AM

A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.

"Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest.

"This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

drjd · 03-31-2021, 04:50 AM

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

DNSB · 03-31-2021, 12:02 PM

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

drjd · 04-01-2021, 06:02 AM

From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

drjd · 04-03-2021, 05:18 AM

I sat in my hair stylist's chair and said, “Make me look sexy!”
She then got drunk.

drjd · 04-07-2021, 06:21 AM

Sign you are getting old:
You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

guanaco · 04-09-2021, 04:11 PM

"My husband is syphilitic," said one lady at a party. Her husband corrected her: "Philatelist, woman; philatelist."

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03-26-2021, 08:31 PM	#11371
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 19,021 Karma: 439985855 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	Well, today was a strange day. First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk. Then, I got chased for two blocks by an angry guy with a guitar.

03-27-2021, 05:27 AM	#11372
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 32,578 Karma: 223211370 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"Are you going to be using your lawn mower Saturday?" "Yes, I will be." "Good... so can I borrow your car then?"

03-27-2021, 11:44 PM	#11373
guanaco Brains! Posts: 148 Karma: 5002200 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: Sony Reader	Yesterday I found money outside of a bank. I asked myself: "What Jesus would do?" So I turned it into wine.

03-28-2021, 05:55 AM	#11375
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 32,578 Karma: 223211370 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella... But he hesitated.

03-28-2021, 01:38 PM	#11376
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 12,179 Karma: 59280049 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Forma, Clara HD, Nexus 7 HD, iPad Pro, Tolino epos	An engineer dies and is sent to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up? The Devil says, ‟Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.” ‟What?” says God.. ‟An engineer? I did not send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.” The Devil responds, ‟No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.” God demands, ‟If you don't send him to me immediately, I will sue!” The Devil laughs. ‟Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

03-29-2021, 03:04 AM	#11377
guanaco Brains! Posts: 148 Karma: 5002200 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: Sony Reader	- Doctor, doctor, I can't remember anything. - Since when did you have that problem? - Which problem? - Doctor, doctor, then, is there no choice but to operate? - Of course. - But I don't have anything. - Great! Then the operation will be easier. - Doctor, doctor, the invisible man is waiting. - Tell him I can't see him.

03-29-2021, 06:02 AM	#11378
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 32,578 Karma: 223211370 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An elderly couple was sitting together watching TV. During a commercial the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we even got a Christmas card from them last year."

03-30-2021, 07:52 AM	#11379
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 32,578 Karma: 223211370 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites. "Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest. "This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.

03-31-2021, 04:50 AM	#11380
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 32,578 Karma: 223211370 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It's going to be a massive change for me. I've been with that doctor for 15 years.

03-31-2021, 12:02 PM	#11381
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 12,179 Karma: 59280049 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Forma, Clara HD, Nexus 7 HD, iPad Pro, Tolino epos	Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

04-01-2021, 06:02 AM	#11382
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 32,578 Karma: 223211370 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

04-03-2021, 05:18 AM	#11383
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 32,578 Karma: 223211370 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I sat in my hair stylist's chair and said, “Make me look sexy!” She then got drunk.

04-07-2021, 06:21 AM	#11384
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 32,578 Karma: 223211370 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Sign you are getting old: You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.

04-09-2021, 04:11 PM	#11385
guanaco Brains! Posts: 148 Karma: 5002200 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: Sony Reader	"My husband is syphilitic," said one lady at a party. Her husband corrected her: "Philatelist, woman; philatelist."