Red Versus The Snacker Of Nations

[Greg Anos]

There's nothing like fishing. You're at peace with the world and at war with the fish. And if the fish win, it's still a good day...
Bubba and I were out fishing at a favorite spot of his at a particular lake. I won't say where because - 1. It'll draw crowds, 2. All sorts of fishermen (and fisherwomen) will show up and catch all the fish, and 3. - We'll lose all our peace and quiet!
Scratch that. We already have lost #3.

It was a good morning. I'd already caught 2 basses and I was dreamin' about cracking open the first Pearl of the day, when this big noisy power boat pulled up next to our Jon boat.
A guy with a megaphone blatted, "Are one of you guys Red Edward."
I looked over at Bubba. "You know these guys?"
"No. And I don't want to. You leave a wake-up call?"
"(Bleep) no. I came here to fish. I told Mindy that if anything too hot came up, she could send a message through your private switchboard. "
Bubba looked sour, "I told Patrica that I was out fishing, and that nobody short of the Pope or the Prez had better disturb me."
"Well, the Pope wouldn't send out a speedboat, he'd just walk on over and talk. Guess it must be the Prez. Shall I get the inevidable over with?"
Bubba looked even more sour, "I guess so, but if it's the Prez, I going to call him and give him a piece of my mind for ruining my fishing day."
"Now Bubba, politicans are too d-mn smart as it is, without givin' them an intellectual booster."
I cupped my hands and yelled, "Why do you need Red, Bonzo?"
The guy with the megaphone yelled back, "I've got special orders from the President to get him for a conference with the President."
I leaned over to Bubba, "I told you it wouldn't be the Pope."
I yelled back at the guy with the microphone. "How much are you payin?"
"Paying? This is the President we're talking about."
"Yeah, but I'm fishin'! If he can't pay me what a Chicago alderman gets under the table per hour, I'm gonna stay here and enjoy life. And if you're thinkin' about throwing your weight around, my buddy here'll see to it that you're sent to Outer Mongolia on a trade mission. And he ain't too happy right now to start with."
"Who is your buddy there?"
I leaned over to Bubba. "Shall I tell him?"
"Might as well. That d-mned bullhorn has scared away all the fish, anyway."
"His name's Bubba. Yeah, the Bubba who help the Prez when he was a state senator. So get on your baby football and call the White House Chief of Staff and tell him the Prez is interrupting both Red and Bubba fishin'. If the Prez still wants me, I'm charging full alderman rates. He'll know what that means. I'm gonna wait here for the response."
I reached into the cooler and cracked open a Pearl.
Bubba said, "Isn't it a bit early for the first beer?"
"Yeah, but 4 to 1 it's the last beer I'll get for a week or two. I might as well enjoy one while I can. I expect this'll be rush, rush; so go ahead and keep the bass, I won't have time to clean and cook 'em. Next time have Patricia leave the Prez off the list. At least the Pope would come out here and fish and talk like a decent human being if he needed me.
"By the way, Bubba, how did you get hooked up with the Lady who knows everything?"
"Aw, the Archbishop of Canterbury gave me a ring and asked me to do a jigger for Patricia when she went on a vacation. The Archbishop and I go back to when we were workin' on getting Terry Waite released. So I did, and we started swapping vacation coverages back and forth."
Bonzo with the bullhorn blatted back. "The president says he's sorry about disturbing both of you, but it's really is important. Just give him the account number and he'll start the pay. Both France and Pinwheel are involved, and are calling the US for help."
I gave the bullhorn a big nod.
"Bubba, can you putter us over to their boat? I don't trust a big speedboat for delicacy."
"Sure, Red."
We trolled over to the speedboat. I grabbed the ladder and climbed up.
I yelled over the edge, "We'll get together again for fishin', I promise."
Bubba nodded and started trolling back to the fishing spot.
"Alright, Bonzo. Let's go make some money...."

[Greg Anos]

We raced back to the boat ramp like their pensions depended on it. Which maybe they did. We zipped out of the boat and climbed into a car, that tore off like an Indy car. Good thing I only had one beer.
We pulled up to a non-descript building and hustled into a big conference room. I guy wearin' a Hoover outfit was in front of a bunch of comm gear.
He looked up and said, "We're patched through."
I grabbed me a chair within belching range of the gear and propped my feet up.
A voice came out of the speakerphone. "Is Red Edward there."
"Roger, Prez. My account number is -", and I rattled off my ABA number and account number. "And the meter is runnin'. What's the hoorah?"
"You don't seem to be overly respectful of the office of the Presidency, Mr. Edward."
"Call me Red. Of course not. I'll trade any two Presidents and a Supreme Court Justice for a scientist the calibre of Paul Dirac or O.T. Avery any day. The only people who care about the Presidency are power mad politicians and people lookin' to get something out of the public."
The comm guy in the Hoover outfit looked like he was gonna have a stroke. He must've been Civil Service.
"I don't think I want to know what category you place me in. As to the problem, we have a human monster loose somewhere in France."
"I didn't think Rush went that far abroad." That got me a dry chuckle.
"I didn't realize your were a equal opportunity insulter."
"Only on my good days. Which this isn't. What kind of monster and why does it affect me? I'm just a P.I. with bad taste, not an animal tamer."
"This is something that should be found in The Weekly World News, not at the highest levels of international governments. Unfortunately, reality doesn't consult with me. We seem to have a fifty foot tall female human, shreaking rage and destroying anything that comes near. She speaks English with a American South accent, so the French government has asked us to abate the nuisance.
"Furthermore, we have received a private message from the Kingdom of Pinwheel also asking us to abate the nusiance. Their reason has been very guarded, but they think that the monster may come and attack the Kingdom as well. Very high levels have requested that you be put on the case. Oddly enough, France is agreeable as well."
"Now, obviously ya'll haven't been sittin' on your hands, waitin' for me. What have you done so far?"
"Well, Red, we can't use any of the more exotic branches of the government due to, ahem, logistics difficulties."
"You mean you don't think you can cover up their presence in France."
"That's one way of looking at it. We can't use conventional troops without causing an even bigger panic than there is now."
"And the MIB said it's not their baliwick, The Black Helicopter boys said they don't work in France per agreement, The Delta Force said they don't get involved with civilians, and the Seals said that is was inland, so not their job." I chuckled. "I guess that leaves the J-Men. What was their excuse?"
"Red. how do you know all this? I thought we kept the lid on pretty well."
"Prez, I've dealt with all these boys sometime in the past. Bureaucracies never change."
"Hmmm. The J-Men didn't dodge, they sent in the Caped Madman."
"So why do you still need me? You've already got one madman on the loose."
"The Caped Madman tried to subdue her with physical force. He's in Walter Reed with two broken arms and two broken legs, and in traction as well."
"Alright, I'll go over there and see what I can do. As if I have a choice. I expect to get help from the government on this case. I'll need you kick the Foggy Bottom Idiots to get me diplomatic immunity, a couple of pouches and transportation. I'll also need some assistance over there as well, so let me call some people and invite them to the party. One from France, one from Pinwheel, and one from here. That way, everybody's got a representative. I'll make a call to each, then pass on the names.
"And don't think I don't know why you called me in. If this doesn't work, you want a fall guy to blame it on. Somebody expendable. Somebody that won't make the administration look bad. That's why France agreed to me. Sarky wanted the same deniability.
"Oh, yeah. I'll need a baby football to get ahold of you if necessary. I might need some air support before this thing is over. And only you can call it in."
"I can't just call in an air strike."
"Naw, but we can talk it over with Sarky after I've done my inspection. By the way, has anybody got a name for our Nuisance? She speaks English, after all."
"She calls herself THE SNACKER OF NATIONS."

[zelda_pinwheel]

the SNACKER OF NATIONS on the rampage !!! batten down the hatches !! lock up the women and psocks !! hide the chocolate !!! emergency double rations of ZCD for everyone !!!! double-time !!!!

(and while you're at it, see if you can point her in the direction of the shums...)

[DixieGal]

LIES! SLANDER!

Shums? For breakfast? But then I'll be bloaty all day.

I shall trounce them for dinner!

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by DixieGal

LIES! SLANDER!

Shums? For breakfast? But then I'll be bloaty all day.

I shall trounce them for dinner!

let's compromise. you could have whatever you like for breakfast, and then maybe a few shums for a mid-morning snack. (the problem is urgent !!)

[GeoffC]

......We seem to have a fifty foot tall female human, shreaking rage and destroying anything that comes near. She speaks English with a American South accent, so the French government has asked us to abate the nuisance.......

priceless ...........

[Catire]

[pshrynk]

So whatever happened to this saga?

[pshrynk]

I know, I know, "Go write Harv and Vera!"

[Greg Anos]

Exigencies of fate have precluded further work on this tome. However, it is not forgotten, and work may begin in a week or two (or not)/

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Exigencies of fate have precluded further work on this tome. However, it is not forgotten, and work may begin in a week or two (or not)/

well i certainly hope so ! leaving us hanging like that, think of our nerves !


(also i hope the exigencies of fate are nothing too irritating...)

[kaas]

*sorry*
i ate sthe story
There was bacon, a chief, fish, and a squid involved...

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by kaas

*sorry*
i ate sthe story
There was bacon, a chief, fish, and a squid involved...

somebody get that man a sandwich, before he devours any other stories !!!

[wodin]

I wanna know what Bubba done wi' da bass!

[Patricia]

I want to know what riled the 50' woman.
Can I hire her to deal with my head of department?