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Old 01-27-2018, 03:26 PM   #256
Gregg Bell
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Thanks so much for all the feedback. There are definitely women in the critique group but I'm not sure about if there are animal rescue people. But based on what you're suggesting I'm planning on giving the book to a professional (paid) beta reader and seeing what she says.
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Old 01-27-2018, 05:09 PM   #257
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I totally agree with Hitch and wonder if your critique group and beta readers are just being nice by telling you what you want to hear. What demographic are they?
I don't think this is just limited to Writers.
Back in my days as a engineering technician, we had 'Design reviews', where the goal was to find flaws in the design BEFORE production (or, horrors, the customer found them).
No days, you are being 'mean' or a 'non-team player' if you look for flaws or suggest improvements.

IMHO the Fukishma mess would not have happened if someone had questioned having a single, ground level, emergency cooling supply.
Rubber stamp 'approved' or be blacklisted
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Old 01-27-2018, 05:24 PM   #258
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Originally Posted by Gregg Bell View Post
Thanks so much for all the feedback. There are definitely women in the critique group but I'm not sure about if there are animal rescue people. But based on what you're suggesting I'm planning on giving the book to a professional (paid) beta reader and seeing what she says.
Gregg:

Be VERY careful with paid Betas. Unless this person has a reputation from trade pubs that is the end-all, be-all, save your money. Most are just echo chambers, taking your money for no reason.

Use Critters and you can always send your opening chapter to Simon Haynes, who does crits. The developer of YWriter? He has a very cheap crit service. PM me if you need his contact stuff. (Do I know this Beta? What's she charging you?--If I may ask?)

Hitch

Last edited by Hitch; 01-27-2018 at 05:25 PM. Reason: Sheesh, I missed my calling! How much does she make?
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Old 01-29-2018, 02:28 PM   #259
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Okay. I wrote a prologue.



Lainey Tripper loved animals. It was just men that she had trouble with. Lainey knew she ought to get counseling for the abuse she and her Yorkshire Terrier, Fi-Fi, had suffered at the hands of “the man in black,” but that, she figured, would come in good time. In the meantime, there were animals that needed help, and she wasn’t one to just sit back and talk about a problem, so she founded FART (Feminist Animal Rescue Team). FART started out as a handful of feminists meeting in Lainey’s Chicago lakefront condo. They’d lobby City Hall for favorable animal rescue legislation, sponsor fundraisers for animal shelters, and take in whatever unwanted, abandoned, abused or stray animals they could in an attempt to find homes for them. The women also established a close social bond, exchanging favorite pet treats information, going to pet parks and watching animal videos together. FART was a cheerful group.

But everything changed when Donovan came onto the scene.

At first the reports in the news media were vague. But soon it became clear that animals throughout the city were systematically being abused on a massive scale by an evil man, or organization of men, called Donovan. That kicked FART into high gear. It knew if it was going to be able to counter Donovan’s evil, it would need to transform itself. Lainey led the charge. She recruited new members, organized FART into committees, began intense martial arts and weapons training, and before long FART was a fighting-ready group of one hundred of the most highly trained animal rescue feminists in the world. Some said they were even ruthless.

And to counter Donovan’s evil, they would need to be.
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Old 01-29-2018, 06:11 PM   #260
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I've watched this thread with some interest (and not a little dismay).

What makes this a "humorous romp" (or whatever it's supposed to be)?
  • Women fighting (because nothing is funnier than women fighting?)
  • Feminists fighting (having mad ninja skills make them...feminists?). Why call them feminists? Aren't they just pissed off women?
  • Naming any dog "Fifi"?
  • Naming a rescue organisation "FART" (I have visions of little boys sniggering)? Seriously, I would be out right there. My eyes. They rolled.
  • Animals being "systematically abused" is a real knee slapper. If I'd made it passed "FART", I'd be gone at the abused animal bit.
Nothing cheeses me off more than a dog pile (pardon the pun) on an author. Heaven knows I'm more than a little sensitive myself (ultra sensitive).

But having said that, it seems that you're posting to get back pats and not taking on board any of the suggestions that other people have made. You've already decided that your book is funny (or dark funny...whatever). Saying it's funny does not make it so. I have seen nothing in any of the snippets to indicate that this is going to be anything other than an OTT vigilante murder-fest. I can't see that your target audience would be anything other than very conservative older men.
Of course, if that is your audience, then well played, sir!

To misquote (because I can): Writing is easy, comedy is hard.
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Old 01-30-2018, 06:58 AM   #261
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If I had no knowledge, other than the blurb, about the contents of this book, the first thing about the prologue which would alert me that I may not like this book is the quotation marks around “the man in black,” which indicates uncertainty about your choice of words and is bad form.

FART? Really? And I can see why skb is questioning why you're calling this group feminist. In what way do they fight for women's rights? (Here I use 'fight' in the lobbying sense.)

Quote:
The women also established a close social bond, exchanging favorite pet treats information, going to pet parks and watching animal videos together. FART was a cheerful group.
Now, reading this with No Other Knowledge of your book would make me think: that's not what animal rescue/welfare groups do. They may watch videos, but not together, and most would rarely have the time to do this (the vid I made was the easiest way I could get rehoming pictures of them - by using stills from the vid).

Quote:
At first the reports in the news media were vague. But soon it became clear that animals throughout the city were systematically being abused on a massive scale by an evil man
That's where I'd stop reading and move on to another book.

Again, you're telling us what the book is about IN YOUR MIND but this is not how the extracts have appeared to many of us.
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Old 01-30-2018, 12:06 PM   #262
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Now, reading this with No Other Knowledge of your book would make me think: that's not what animal rescue/welfare groups do. They may watch videos, but not together, and most would rarely have the time to do this (the vid I made was the easiest way I could get rehoming pictures of them - by using stills from the vid).
Exactly. In the real world, some of the group's leaders might get together to work on fundraising ideas or lobbying efforts, or to set up adoption events, but sitting around discussing pet treats or park play dates? No.

It's been said already, but if you want to write about an animal rescue group or group member going off the rails, first you need to have done the research on how such a group actually operates. Then there'd be a foundation to show how the fictional group's mission has gotten perverted.
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Old 01-30-2018, 06:06 PM   #263
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Hey. I really appreciate all your feedback. It's been so helpful. But this thread has gone substantially off topic. "Feedback on New Cover Please." And I'm not going to be re-visiting it. Thanks.
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Old 01-31-2018, 02:20 AM   #264
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Do you have another version of the cover? The last one was the paranormal YA version.
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Old 01-31-2018, 01:56 PM   #265
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Do you have another version of the cover? The last one was the paranormal YA version.
Thanks BookCat. I've decided on the cover I'm going to use. (It's not the paranormal one.) I asked you in the other thread, but in case you don't check it, I'll ask here. How do I close this thread? Thanks.
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Old 01-31-2018, 02:23 PM   #266
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Thanks BookCat. How do I close this thread? Thanks.
Since there are no forum level Mods, ya need to ask a Greenie Mod nicely
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Old 01-31-2018, 11:27 PM   #267
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Since there are no forum level Mods, ya need to ask a Greenie Mod nicely
Thanks ducks
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Old 02-01-2018, 01:02 AM   #268
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