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Old 08-03-2019, 07:48 PM   #10561
issybird
o saeclum infacetum
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She's a Lady, is Pulaski.

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Old 08-03-2019, 10:46 PM   #10562
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Snoozing in the sun
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She's a Lady, is Pulaski.

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Old 08-04-2019, 07:24 AM   #10563
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The Couch Potato
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account!"

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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Old 08-05-2019, 06:47 AM   #10564
drjd
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How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?

Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!
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Old 08-06-2019, 03:17 PM   #10565
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I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night.

I ended up skipping dinner.
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Old 08-07-2019, 06:29 AM   #10566
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Me: and this is my house.

Friend: what’s upstairs?

Me: stairs don’t talk.
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Old 08-08-2019, 05:53 AM   #10567
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Turkeys cannot speak, so they usually take their secrets to the gravy.
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Old 08-09-2019, 03:25 PM   #10568
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At a family gathering, Fred's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather bragged that they had all been able to walk on water to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks.

So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the center of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned.

Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked kindly into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January, and you were born in August."
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Old 08-11-2019, 05:58 AM   #10569
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A girl is doing a crossword puzzle..."What's a 7-letter word for 'easily perceived or understood' that starts with 'O'?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"It should be, but I can't figure it out. That's why I'm asking."
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Old 08-12-2019, 07:34 AM   #10570
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A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, "No, ma'am."

She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"
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Old 08-13-2019, 06:18 AM   #10571
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Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.
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Old 08-16-2019, 06:42 AM   #10572
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We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting.

“He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.

“That won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”
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Old 08-17-2019, 06:44 AM   #10573
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

- Anna one, Anna two...
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Old 08-18-2019, 04:13 AM   #10574
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The Spanish fireman with two sons: Jose, and Hose 'B'.......
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Old 08-18-2019, 07:31 AM   #10575
drjd
The Couch Potato
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A completed jigsaw puzzle is a pieceful solution.
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