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Old 02-12-2019, 07:07 AM   #10411
pdurrant
The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠
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Old 02-13-2019, 05:11 AM   #10412
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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair.

Then he said, "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'."
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Old 02-15-2019, 05:56 PM   #10413
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Old 02-17-2019, 01:41 AM   #10414
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Christian skipped breakfast, I had Müslim. How about Jew?
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Old 02-20-2019, 06:11 AM   #10415
drjd
The Couch Potato
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….The Genetic marker for people who are naturally bad at spelling can be found in those with blood Type-O.
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Old 02-23-2019, 02:39 PM   #10416
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... in another city!
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Old 02-25-2019, 05:47 AM   #10417
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An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this.

"She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
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Old 02-25-2019, 06:03 AM   #10418
stuartjmz
Contrarian
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In one of the Guide series Douglas Adams riffs on the untranslatable nature of puns with "Be Like the 22nd elephant with heated value in space - bark!". Despite that, one of my favourites only works in Hinglish:
Why was the banana sad?
Because he was a kela


("kela" in Hindi is "banana", "akela" is "alone")
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Old 02-28-2019, 09:46 AM   #10419
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Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

'Please leave!' shouts the manager 'We don't serve your type.'
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Old 03-01-2019, 05:49 AM   #10420
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drjd View Post
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

'Please leave!' shouts the manager 'We don't serve your type.'
I assume the manager was Comic Sans?
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Old 03-01-2019, 06:06 AM   #10421
drjd
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I assume the manager was Comic Sans?
Groan...
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Old 03-01-2019, 06:06 AM   #10422
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Old 03-03-2019, 05:50 AM   #10423
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As my wife was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for her wrist, saying "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ?" she asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."
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Old 03-05-2019, 05:43 AM   #10424
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I am itching to solve those math problems. I just need scratch paper.
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Old 03-06-2019, 02:15 PM   #10425
Fbone
Is that a sandwich?
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