Unutterably Silly Top 10 funniest Comebacks

[Andybaby]

Read the Original here for a few pictures and much better formatting, or just read the funny bits below http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-best-comebacks.php

Wit is a quality that is easily desired, but no so easily obtained. Those who do have it have gained heavy acclaim. Since the beginning of time, mankind has argued and debated against one another, and while some conflicts are won in wars, many of them are won in words. Here are ten of history’s greatest comebacks, retorts, repartee, insults, or whatever else you’d like to call them. From quotes of Winston Churchill to Oscar Wilde, these are surely people to tell tales about.
10. Bottoms Up
churchill_v_sign_hu_55521

Nancy Astor was an American socialite who married into the wealthy English family of Astor. She actually was the first woman to be elected to Parliament, which makes her humiliation all the sweeter. She was invited to 1912 a dinner party located in the Churchill estate , but, unfortunately for her, she became extremely annoyed at a drunk and politically incorrect Winston Churchill. Finally, she exclaimed the following: “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Unaffected by her sudden outburst, Churchill moderately and quickly replied:
“Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it.”

9. Ready, Aim, Fire!
calvin-coolidge

The next situation involves the 30th US president, Calvin Coolidge. He was a relatively quiet man and was known for his brevity, though the few words he had made quite an impression. After an after-dinner recital, an acclaimed and heavily respected opera singer was invited to the White House. But apparently performing for the president was quite a frightening experience and her performance left much to be desired. During the performance, one of the White Houses’s guests leaned over and whispered to Coolidge: “What do you think of the singer’s execution?” Coolidge calmly replied:
“I’m all for it.”
8. Well, you asked.
ghandi

Mohandas Ghandi is associated with civil rights and nonviolence, but most definitely not wit. As the following story will show you, Ghandi didn’t have to fight with his fists, but simply had to use his words. After gaining fame for a campaign to promote colonial India’s independence, Ghandi traveled to London and met with British authorities. The British were wonderfully curious about this strange little man, and Ghandi was constantly bombarded with questions from the press and photographers. One day, a reporter cried out, “What do you think of Western civilization?” And in a monumental moment that would define Ghandi’s reputation, he replied:
“I think it would be a good idea.”
7. Keep Your Seats in an Upright Position
muhammad-ali

Muhammad Ali once took a flight on Eastern Airlines in the 1970s. A flight attendant was making her final checks on the passengers, but noticed Ali failed to fasten his seat belt. She kindly asked him to do so, but Ali replied quite arrogantly, “Superman don’t’ need no seat belt.” Not intimidated by the boxer’s reputation and fame, the flight attendant replied:
“Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
6. Smell You Later!
oscar-wilde

Oscar Wilde was widely known for his wit and intelligence in plays, but he was no stranger to it in real-life. After one performance of one of his plays, Wilde went on stage and welcomed a warm reception. Many people applauded and threw a copious amount of beautiful flora, but one unsatisfied person threw a rotten cabbage at the playwright. Wilde picked it up and replied with a straight face:
“Thank you my friend. Every time I smell it, I shall be reminded of you.”
5. War of Words
henry-ward-beecher

Henry Ward Beecher was an abolitionist who liked to speak his mind. When the Civil War took its start, Beecher traveled throughout the US attempting to gather up support and favor for Lincoln and his Emancipation Proclamation. He said that the Union would beat the Confederates in sixty days during his travels; and when he made a trip to England, this was used against him. At that time, war was still a very sensitive topic among the British, due to the Americans winning the Revolutionary War. While he was speaking in Manchester, one hostile man cried out: “Why didn’t you whip the Confederates in sixty days, as you said you would?”
He hesitated only for a second, but then replied:
“Because we found we had Americans to fight this time, not Englishmen.”
4. Wake at Your Own Risk
churchill_portrait_nyp_45063

Winston Churchill makes this list again. In his early career, he was at a meeting and another member was giving a long-winded speech. Churchill began to close his eyes and fall asleep. At the sight of this, the member became visibly angry and shouted: “Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I’m speaking?” Instead of making attempts at an apology or a cover-up, Churchill simply replied:
“No, it’s purely voluntary.”
3. Face the Truth
abraham-lincoln

Abraham Lincoln was not the most attractive presidents but he was in a sense, almost fascinatingly ugly. During a debate, Lincoln was accused by his more hostile opponent of being two-faced. Lincoln managed to accomplish what few men have done before, he defended himself without insulting the other man, and even poked fun at a flaw of his all in the same sentence. Lincoln calmly turned to the crowd and said:
“If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one?”
2. The Ugly Truth
churchill-winston

Winston Churchill makes this list again for a third time, proving him to truly be one of the world’s wittiest people. Attending a party in London, Churchill once again was drunk and intoxicated. An obviously extremely astute woman from Parliament, like Nancy Astor (the first entry), apparently was irritated by Churchill’s mannerisms. When she finally had enough, she came up to him and yelled: “Winston, you’re drunk!” He may have been drunk but that apparently didn’t affect his cognitive functions as he merely replied:
“You’re right Bessie, and you’re ugly. But tomorrow morning, I’ll be sober.”
1. Properly Equipped
r113997_358658

This final one needs no explanation nor introduction. One only needs to read the interview excerpt for him/herself to understand its greatness.

“FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

Written by Johnny Dunn

this list is one of the better top 10s I have ever read.

[RickyMaveety]

Those were great. Simply great.

Now -- back to painting and cleaning.

[Over]

Nice. Some of those I already knew as jokes. Had no idea who invented those.

[RWood]

Good catch, thanks for sharing with the rest of us.

[All4Fun]

Thanks for the list. I'm still chuckling at #1.

[slayda]

My favorite is from the movie "The Professionals" when Lee Marvin is called a bastard, he replies;

"Yes sir. In my case an accident of birth. But yor sir, you're a self made man."

[Greg Anos]

I like a set of lines from the first Myth series book by Robert Asprin.

Ahz: (On viewing a ramshackle town as they enter it)

Look like civilization at it's finest.


Skeeve:

Looks more like humanity at it's worst.


Ahz:

That's what I said, Civilization at it's finest.....

[Nate the great]

Originally Posted by Andybaby

Read the Original here for a few pictures and much better formatting, or just read the funny bits below http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-best-comebacks.php

this list is one of the better top 10s I have ever read.

1. Properly Equipped
r113997_358658

This final one needs no explanation nor introduction. One only needs to read the interview excerpt for him/herself to understand its greatness.

“FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

Written by Johnny Dunn

This last one is a myth.
http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

[nohmi2]

They were great.

I'm still giggling.

Cheers.

[Andybaby]

Originally Posted by Nate the great

This last one is a myth.
http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp

that's sad, and I prefer this verson alot more found on that website which I read as a joke about a year ago for the first time

[krisk]

I'd heard it as a quote from Lord Baden Powell from the early days of Boy Scouts.