Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 321

orlok · 04-10-2012, 04:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

"We shall call it a Timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!'

Groan (

)

Fbone · 04-10-2012, 05:00 PM

We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Stitchawl · 04-11-2012, 09:40 AM

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
...
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Sh!t! I didn't recognize you."

Stitchawl

mirandu85 · 04-11-2012, 10:10 AM

)))
good one; very good one

cromag · 04-11-2012, 10:02 PM

Fbone · 04-12-2012, 05:54 AM

We're all in this alone.

orlok · 04-12-2012, 06:17 AM

"You won't like me when I'm angry. Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.

benham · 04-12-2012, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

We're all in this alone.

Like my band director in high school once said- Wait, Wait! We all started in a different spot, together!

Fbone · 04-12-2012, 08:34 PM

You're only as sick as your secrets.

PeterT · 04-12-2012, 08:39 PM

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached, and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, so how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course, and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday, and make a donation -- and if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

Daithi · 04-12-2012, 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PeterT

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached, and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, so how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course, and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday, and make a donation -- and if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

I think a friend of mine played that priest. Basically the same thing happened. My friend asked if he wanted to play together and the priest said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

On the very first hole my friend hooked his shot into the trees, and without thinking blurted out "Sh*t! I missed that one."

The priest says, "If you don't mind could you not cuss?"

"Oh, sorry," says my friend.

A couple holes later and my friend slices one into the woods. Once again, he let's fly with "Sh*t! I missed again."

The priest says, "Please. Watch the language."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

On the very next hole, while on the putting green, my friend misses an easy two foot putt. Without thinking, he says, "Sh*t! I missed again."

Now the skies darken up. A clap of thunder booms over head. A bolt of lightning streaks from the heavens and kills the priest dead.

Then my friend hears a booming voice coming from the clouds that says, "Sh*t! I missed again."

Stitchawl · 04-13-2012, 02:12 AM

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal:
he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that
it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was
too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding
up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi
responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Stitchawl

Billi · 04-13-2012, 02:53 AM

orlok · 04-13-2012, 03:56 AM

orlok · 04-13-2012, 05:55 AM

My friend visited a Native American settlement recently and bought me some false teeth back.

"What the hell are these?" I asked.

"Sioux veneers" he said.

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04-10-2012, 05:00 PM	#4802
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

04-11-2012, 09:40 AM	#4803
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." ... Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "Sh!t! I didn't recognize you." Stitchawl

04-11-2012, 10:10 AM	#4804
mirandu85 Addict Posts: 220 Karma: 175028 Join Date: Aug 2011 Device: noen	))) good one; very good one

04-11-2012, 10:02 PM	#4805
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 24,309 Karma: 459220161 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids

04-12-2012, 05:54 AM	#4806
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	We're all in this alone.

04-12-2012, 06:17 AM	#4807
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	"You won't like me when I'm angry. Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources." The Credible Hulk.

04-12-2012, 08:34 PM	#4809
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	You're only as sick as your secrets.

04-12-2012, 08:39 PM	#4810
PeterT Grand Sorcerer Posts: 12,177 Karma: 73448616 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Toronto Device: Nexus 7, Clara, Touch, Tolino EPOS	A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached, and asked if he could join him. The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, so how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course, and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday, and make a donation -- and if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

04-13-2012, 02:12 AM	#4812
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy . Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue." Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won. "I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine." Stitchawl

04-13-2012, 02:53 AM	#4813
Billi Wizard Posts: 3,388 Karma: 14190103 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Berlin Device: Cybook, iRex, PB, Onyx

04-13-2012, 03:56 AM	#4814
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"

04-13-2012, 05:55 AM	#4815
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	My friend visited a Native American settlement recently and bought me some false teeth back. "What the hell are these?" I asked. "Sioux veneers" he said.