03-24-2014, 01:42 PM | #211 |
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When My Father Died
Sir Graham,
When My Father 'Died' - v.2-1 is up. Could you please read it one more time. I think the original ending was a little corny so I removed much of the stuff and ended with a question. Let me know if it works better? (well actually I 'copied' you somewhat, verbatim) Last edited by mrmarlowe; 03-24-2014 at 01:46 PM. |
03-24-2014, 02:21 PM | #212 |
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The Road by the River
v1.1 is uploaded
This addresses most of the issues raised by Graham. And adds about 60 words.-) Jim |
04-01-2014, 09:54 AM | #213 |
cacoethes scribendi
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I'm obviously not the only one that's found themselves busy on other things. I promise that I am coming back to catch up on reading the latest versions, but other commitments are currently taking priority.
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04-01-2014, 11:28 AM | #214 |
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Busy? That's an understatement. I even might fail my own reading challenge again. I've hardly read a page in the last two weeks.... Still, no rush. We have entire April to edit.
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04-01-2014, 01:35 PM | #215 |
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Patiently waiting for new versions.-)
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04-01-2014, 01:38 PM | #216 |
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I've had my brain buried in planning a novel for the last week. I did download the latest versions of Marlowe and Jim's stories earlier today, and will have a look soon.
Graham |
04-02-2014, 02:25 AM | #217 | |
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Quote:
On the plus side, I am on to writing a new piece. |
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04-11-2014, 10:19 AM | #218 |
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The Road by the River v1.1
Obviously determined not to give us a happy one.
It's very good, I think. More obvious than the previous, you hold the reader's hand more through this one - but I think that suits this story. The imagery is very good, and the pace feels right. While I thought I knew what was coming there was still a feeling of tension there waiting for it. Given the tone of the piece, the ending was not exactly what I expected. A couple of things stuck out at me in the first few paragraphs, and I'll note them here. After that I was too busy reading to notice much in the of errors - which is a good thing. Spoiler:
There's not a lot of critical comment here that might help with improvement ... largely because I think the story is already doing what you set out to achieve. I've said previously that such short works aren't what I most enjoy, but I do think this story is a good vignette. Spoiler:
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04-11-2014, 10:31 AM | #219 |
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Cutting it Fine v1.4
My first reaction was: cute!
It has a nice feel to it all the way through. I'm not sure what I expected for the ending ... that wasn't it, but it fits very well. A good length for the story, and for the most part it stays far enough away from the technical to be easy reading. As with your last one, I stumble a little over some of the punctuation, particularly early on, but not in a way that spoiled it for me. On a subsequent read I'll look for more specific items. Spoiler:
And again I find I'm not offering much constructive criticism. The story is what it is, and I think it's done well for what it is. It feels like a snippet from something larger, but remains satisfying on its own - and these are both good things. Spoiler:
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04-11-2014, 10:38 AM | #220 | |
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Graham |
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04-11-2014, 11:02 AM | #221 |
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Hi
I've been printing the new stories, and yesterday I started the rewrite of my own. This weekend I'll try to post the comments on mrmarlowe's story, and as many as possible on the others. We have another three weeks to get everything finished up Fortunately, my busy time seems to be over for now. |
04-11-2014, 01:20 PM | #222 | |
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Quote:
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04-15-2014, 11:23 AM | #223 |
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When My Father Died v2.1
Below are some detailed edits ... the first part of the story (to the first ***** break). I ran out of time to do the rest, I'll try to get to them tomorrow.
Spoiler:
I have some quibbles about the punctuation, but mostly I haven't made explicit comment about them, there are enough other comments to be going on with. Things are definitely clearer to me this time around (although some of that will come from knowing what to expect). The additional explanation for shradh is a good thing, but as noted above it needs to be tighter, in fact this entire first part would benefit from trying to cut it back to essentials. It is, in essence, only scene setting for the important part of the story still to come, and so you need to keep it as brief as you can manage. |
04-16-2014, 10:37 AM | #224 |
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When My Father Died v2.1
Comments about the second part:
Spoiler:
Comments about the third part: Spoiler:
Comments about the end: Spoiler:
The story has become clearer to me in this new version and I think the ending works better now than it did. But I think there is room to smooth it out more. Work on your punctuation (don't be frightened to use fullstops/periods occasionally ). |
04-16-2014, 11:38 AM | #225 |
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Dave v1.1
Some general comments only for now...
Spoiler:
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