Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 376

Fbone · 11-18-2012, 09:00 AM

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

Kumabjorn · 11-18-2012, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Ok, thanks. It makes more sense now. I always pictured a butcher being male.

Maybe the slaughterhouse was run as a program for inmates?

steven522 · 11-18-2012, 10:42 AM

"Bacon slicer" is similar to the "pickle slicer" joke I posted earlier in this thread.

Fbone · 11-18-2012, 06:47 PM

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

James_Wilde · 11-19-2012, 04:31 PM

One of Murphy's lesser-known laws:

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Fbone · 11-19-2012, 06:25 PM

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Stitchawl · 11-19-2012, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

Stitchawl

James_Wilde · 11-20-2012, 10:01 AM

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Daithi · 11-20-2012, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

Did you hear about the butcher who stuck his finger in the bacon slicer to see what would happen?

She sued him for sexual harrassment!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

Ok, thanks. It makes more sense now. I always pictured a butcher being male.

Thinking of the Bacon Slicer as a male makes that joke a lot funnier!

Daithi · 11-20-2012, 04:53 PM

Smart Blonde

A middle-aged lawyer and an attractive blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from New York to London. The blonde is trying to get a little sleep, while the lawyer is vainly attempting to impress the blonde with his wit and intelligence. The blonde ignores the lawyer until he suggests a little wager.

Lawyer: Would you like to play a game? I’ll first ask you a question. If you can’t answer it, using any means at your disposal, you give me $5. Then if I can’t answer one of your questions, I’ll give you $500.

Blonde: Sure, why not?

Lawyer: Great. What’s the circumference of the earth?

Blonde: (quietly hands him $5 from her purse) Okay, my turn. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down the hill with four?

The lawyer is stumped. He starts jotting down ideas, searches the net via the plane’s in-seat phone, then finally calls up a few friends, all without luck. After over an hour, he finally wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. She thanks him for the money and closes her eyes, but the lawyer can’t contain himself.

Lawyer: “Wait! You’ve got to tell me, what was the answer???”

Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him another $5, then goes back to asleep.

Daithi · 11-20-2012, 04:55 PM

Blondes Are-Not-So-Dumb Convention

80,000 Blondes gathered at Wembley Stadium for a "Blondes-Are-Not-So-Dumb" convention. The master of ceremonies says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not so dumb. Can I have a volunteer?" One pretty little blonde steps up, so the master of ceremonies asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "18." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The master of ceremonies says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here along with media from all over the world, I guess we can give her another chance." So, asks her, "What is 5 plus 5?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "90."

The master of ceremonies sighs. Everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying. Again, the 80,000 girls start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." Unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, the master of ceremonies finally says, "Okay! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "4."

The stadium of 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

Fbone · 11-20-2012, 05:13 PM

A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.' 'Yes, sir!' answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns The following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?' Ole told him that he took care of Three patients. 'The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.' 'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' Asks the doctor. 'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, Taking off everything including Her panties and lies Down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!' 'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes!!

Daithi · 11-20-2012, 06:28 PM

We hired a new guy in the office last year, and as we got to talking he mentioned that he had never been quail hunting. Well I go every year, and I told him I would take him out the next time that I went.

A few weeks later I made arrangements with a friend of mine who owns a farm and has several acres where we can hunt. The new guy and I met up early one morning and drove out to my friend's place. When we got there I told the new guy, "Wait here for a minute. I just want to let my buddy know that we are here. He might come with us."

When I knocked on my friend's door he answered and said he didn't feel up to going out, and he asked me for a favor. He said that his milking cow was really old and was suffering from a medical condition, and he needed to put it down. He asked if I could do it for him. I told him I would. As I was walking back to my truck, I decided to play a nasty joke on the new guy.

"I can't believe this shit!" I yelled as I walked back to the truck. "That son of a bitch isn't going to let us hunt on his land. I spent two months out here every weekend helping him put up that fence, and now he won't let us going hunting. Hand me my gun!"

"What are you going to do?" stammered the new guy.

I reached into the cab of the truck and grabbed my shotgun. "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to shoot that bastard's cow. That's what I'm going to do." I then stomped off into the barn and shot his cow.

To my surprise I heard two more shotgun blasts behind me. I spun around and the new guy was laughing as he said, "I got his dog and a horse too!"

Hamlet53 · 11-21-2012, 07:26 AM

Stitchawl · 11-21-2012, 06:29 PM

Stitchawl

11-21-2012, 07:26 AM	#5639
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11-18-2012, 09:00 AM	#5626
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

11-18-2012, 10:42 AM	#5628
steven522 binomial: homo legentem Posts: 1,061 Karma: 25222222 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Alabama, USA Device: iriver Story HD; Archos 80 G9	"Bacon slicer" is similar to the "pickle slicer" joke I posted earlier in this thread.

11-18-2012, 06:47 PM	#5629
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

11-19-2012, 04:31 PM	#5630
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	One of Murphy's lesser-known laws: Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

11-19-2012, 06:25 PM	#5631
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martin's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much; I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martin's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

11-20-2012, 10:01 AM	#5633
James_Wilde Guru Posts: 802 Karma: 4727110 Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Sweden Device: Iriver Story	Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

11-20-2012, 04:53 PM	#5635
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Smart Blonde A middle-aged lawyer and an attractive blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from New York to London. The blonde is trying to get a little sleep, while the lawyer is vainly attempting to impress the blonde with his wit and intelligence. The blonde ignores the lawyer until he suggests a little wager. Lawyer: Would you like to play a game? I’ll first ask you a question. If you can’t answer it, using any means at your disposal, you give me $5. Then if I can’t answer one of your questions, I’ll give you $500. Blonde: Sure, why not? Lawyer: Great. What’s the circumference of the earth? Blonde: (quietly hands him $5 from her purse) Okay, my turn. What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down the hill with four? The lawyer is stumped. He starts jotting down ideas, searches the net via the plane’s in-seat phone, then finally calls up a few friends, all without luck. After over an hour, he finally wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. She thanks him for the money and closes her eyes, but the lawyer can’t contain himself. Lawyer: “Wait! You’ve got to tell me, what was the answer???” Without a word, she reaches into her purse and hands him another $5, then goes back to asleep.

11-20-2012, 04:55 PM	#5636
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	Blondes Are-Not-So-Dumb Convention 80,000 Blondes gathered at Wembley Stadium for a "Blondes-Are-Not-So-Dumb" convention. The master of ceremonies says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not so dumb. Can I have a volunteer?" One pretty little blonde steps up, so the master of ceremonies asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "18." Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The master of ceremonies says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here along with media from all over the world, I guess we can give her another chance." So, asks her, "What is 5 plus 5?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "90." The master of ceremonies sighs. Everyone is crestfallen and the blonde starts crying. Again, the 80,000 girls start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." Unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, the master of ceremonies finally says, "Okay! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" After 15 or 20 seconds, she replies, "4." The stadium of 80,000 blondes start chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

11-20-2012, 05:13 PM	#5637
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,189 Karma: 100500000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.' 'Yes, sir!' answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns The following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?' Ole told him that he took care of Three patients. 'The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.' 'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' Asks the doctor. 'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, Taking off everything including Her panties and lies Down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!' 'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes!!

11-20-2012, 06:28 PM	#5638
Daithi Publishers are evil! Posts: 2,418 Karma: 36205264 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rhode Island Device: Various Kindles	We hired a new guy in the office last year, and as we got to talking he mentioned that he had never been quail hunting. Well I go every year, and I told him I would take him out the next time that I went. A few weeks later I made arrangements with a friend of mine who owns a farm and has several acres where we can hunt. The new guy and I met up early one morning and drove out to my friend's place. When we got there I told the new guy, "Wait here for a minute. I just want to let my buddy know that we are here. He might come with us." When I knocked on my friend's door he answered and said he didn't feel up to going out, and he asked me for a favor. He said that his milking cow was really old and was suffering from a medical condition, and he needed to put it down. He asked if I could do it for him. I told him I would. As I was walking back to my truck, I decided to play a nasty joke on the new guy. "I can't believe this shit!" I yelled as I walked back to the truck. "That son of a bitch isn't going to let us hunt on his land. I spent two months out here every weekend helping him put up that fence, and now he won't let us going hunting. Hand me my gun!" "What are you going to do?" stammered the new guy. I reached into the cab of the truck and grabbed my shotgun. "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to shoot that bastard's cow. That's what I'm going to do." I then stomped off into the barn and shot his cow. To my surprise I heard two more shotgun blasts behind me. I spun around and the new guy was laughing as he said, "I got his dog and a horse too!"

11-21-2012, 06:29 PM	#5640
Stitchawl Opsimath Posts: 12,344 Karma: 187123287 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Chiang Mai, Northern Thailand Device: Sony PRS-650, iPhone 5, Kobo Glo, Sony PRS-350, iPad, Samsung Galaxy	Stitchawl