Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 756

DNSB · 02-25-2021, 12:51 PM

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida ...

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: "Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."
Love, Mama

WT Sharpe · 02-26-2021, 07:17 PM

Lately I've been watching the 60s soap opera Dark Shadows, and being as I've read a bit of philosophy in my 70 years, I couldn't resist making this little joke. Apologies in advance.

DNSB · 02-27-2021, 06:21 PM

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box. He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we should open the box then.”

drjd · 03-02-2021, 04:05 AM

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Adoby · 03-02-2021, 06:24 AM

- Can you please give an example of excessive use of pronominal references using an interrogative pronoun in a sentence?

- Eh? Give a what of what using what in a what?

- Thank you!

drjd · 03-05-2021, 05:07 AM

Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

DNSB · 03-06-2021, 09:06 PM

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

drjd · 03-07-2021, 05:40 AM

A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year.”

Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, “1492: None.”

Elektron · 03-07-2021, 12:13 PM

good one!

DNSB · 03-07-2021, 05:11 PM

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this exam.
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

guanaco · 03-08-2021, 12:07 AM

- Dad, why did you marry Mom?
- You don't explain it to yourself either, do you?

- My doctor recommended that I stop playing soccer.
- Are you sick?
- No, he has seen me how I play.

drjd · 03-08-2021, 06:09 AM

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

DNSB · 03-08-2021, 01:20 PM

When people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

guanaco · 03-11-2021, 01:07 AM

- Yesterday they told me ugly.
- Don't worry, they have told me worse things.
- What did they tell you?
- That you're also a bad person.

- Woman, I'll be by your side the rest of my life.
- Really?
- Yes, I'll marry your neighbor.

drjd · 03-11-2021, 05:20 AM

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?"

The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

02-26-2021, 07:17 PM	#11327
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,073 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	Lately I've been watching the 60s soap opera Dark Shadows, and being as I've read a bit of philosophy in my 70 years, I couldn't resist making this little joke. Apologies in advance. Attached Thumbnails

03-02-2021, 06:24 AM	#11330
Adoby Handy Elephant Posts: 1,736 Karma: 26785668 Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Southern Sweden, far out in the quiet woods Device: Thinkpad E595, Ubuntu Mate, Huawei Mediapad 5, Bouye Likebook Plus	- Can you please give an example of excessive use of pronominal references using an interrogative pronoun in a sentence? - Eh? Give a what of what using what in a what? - Thank you! Last edited by Adoby; 03-02-2021 at 06:26 AM.

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02-25-2021, 12:51 PM	#11326
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,428 Karma: 145525534 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida ... The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house." The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes. She wrote: "Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." Love, Mama

02-27-2021, 06:21 PM	#11328
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,428 Karma: 145525534 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box. He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.” The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ” The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we should open the box then.”

03-02-2021, 04:05 AM	#11329
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

03-05-2021, 05:07 AM	#11331
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

03-06-2021, 09:06 PM	#11332
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,428 Karma: 145525534 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.

03-07-2021, 05:40 AM	#11333
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A high school student stared thoughtfully at the second question on his exam, which read, “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of America in any given year.” Suddenly, his brow cleared, and he wrote, “1492: None.”

03-07-2021, 12:13 PM	#11334
Elektron Banned Posts: 2,296 Karma: 5300240 Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Edmonton, AB Device: Kobo Aura H2O Edition 2 (mark 7), Kobo Mini	good one!

03-07-2021, 05:11 PM	#11335
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,428 Karma: 145525534 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this exam. Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

03-08-2021, 12:07 AM	#11336
guanaco Recovering reader Posts: 222 Karma: 8008008 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: iPad	- Dad, why did you marry Mom? - You don't explain it to yourself either, do you? - My doctor recommended that I stop playing soccer. - Are you sick? - No, he has seen me how I play.

03-08-2021, 06:09 AM	#11337
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

03-08-2021, 01:20 PM	#11338
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 35,428 Karma: 145525534 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Forma, Clara HD, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	When people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

03-11-2021, 01:07 AM	#11339
guanaco Recovering reader Posts: 222 Karma: 8008008 Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: México Device: iPad	- Yesterday they told me ugly. - Don't worry, they have told me worse things. - What did they tell you? - That you're also a bad person. - Woman, I'll be by your side the rest of my life. - Really? - Yes, I'll marry your neighbor.

03-11-2021, 05:20 AM	#11340
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."