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Old 12-18-2018, 04:58 AM   #10381
drjd
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Yesterday I received a fresh orange as a gift from my friend who is a lawyer, with his note:

"I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
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Old 12-18-2018, 09:36 AM   #10382
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The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drjd View Post
Yesterday I received a fresh orange as a gift from my friend who is a lawyer, with his note:

"I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
Not much of a lawyer. He forgot to transfer to you all his rights under the Consumer Rights Act (2015).
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Old 12-20-2018, 08:16 AM   #10383
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”
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Old 12-23-2018, 02:00 PM   #10384
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The Grand Mouse 高貴的老鼠
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There was a young mouse from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When asked why this was
He said "It's because
I always like to try to fit in as many words on the last line as I possibly can."
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Old 12-24-2018, 08:36 AM   #10385
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Groan...!
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Old 12-24-2018, 08:43 AM   #10386
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Christopher Columbus was the best deal maker in history. He left not knowing where he was going, and upon arriving, not knowing where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
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Old 12-29-2018, 01:29 AM   #10387
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Is that a sandwich?
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Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
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Old 12-30-2018, 05:22 AM   #10388
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Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they've no pockets to put things in!
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Old 12-30-2018, 05:59 AM   #10389
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Trunks sure are handy things!
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Old 12-30-2018, 05:07 PM   #10390
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Surfin the alpha waves ~~
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Why do elephants have trunks?

Who nose?
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Old 01-01-2019, 05:39 AM   #10391
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What do you call it when a dog eats your Birkenstocks?

Sandalism!!
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Old 01-04-2019, 01:47 AM   #10392
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It doesn't matter how nice your children are, German children are Kinder.
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Old 01-04-2019, 04:51 AM   #10393
drjd
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Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
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Old 01-11-2019, 05:54 AM   #10394
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"
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Old 01-11-2019, 04:02 PM   #10395
PieMan597
Still a pie
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I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
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