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Old 01-09-2021, 06:51 AM   #11266
drjd
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The grass is always greener on the other side.

Since the light has to travel longer to reach your eyes, and more of the long-wavelength light is absorbed underway.
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Old 01-10-2021, 06:27 AM   #11267
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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Old 01-11-2021, 07:41 AM   #11268
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.
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Old 01-11-2021, 02:27 PM   #11269
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"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?" asked young Sarah.
"Fifty years," Grandma replied.
"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Sarah. "And I bet in all that time, you never once thought about divorce, right?"
"Right Sarah. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times."

Last edited by DNSB; 01-11-2021 at 02:41 PM.
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Old 01-12-2021, 05:36 AM   #11270
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Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb,and the other to hold the p**is...Father!..Stepladder!!
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Old 01-12-2021, 05:57 AM   #11271
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A guy walks into a bar.
He orders a drink, after a few, he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

after a few minutes he returns. There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.
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Old 01-13-2021, 06:09 AM   #11272
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The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
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Old 01-14-2021, 06:53 AM   #11273
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Spoiler:
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
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Old 01-14-2021, 03:26 PM   #11274
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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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Old 01-15-2021, 06:17 AM   #11275
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A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
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Old 01-17-2021, 06:14 AM   #11276
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I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night when he casually pointed across the bar from us and said, "see those two old drunks sitting there...that's going to be us in ten years."

I looked and him and said, "that's a mirror stupid!"
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Old 01-18-2021, 05:38 AM   #11277
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A man walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him. He stops, bangs on the window and asks, "So, what does this cost?"

The hooker replies, "25 dollars."

The man said, "Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated windows."
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Old 01-19-2021, 05:25 AM   #11278
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There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married...

A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
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Old Today, 05:59 AM   #11279
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It is a scientific fact...
That your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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