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Old 09-03-2019, 07:05 AM   #10591
drjd
The Couch Potato
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A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had.

"Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
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Old 09-03-2019, 08:28 AM   #10592
yvanleterrible
When books can fly!
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Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time", a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this crap."
Up here in Canada that would be:
A northern fairytale begins by: "Once upon a time, Eh! "
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Old 09-04-2019, 06:08 AM   #10593
drjd
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An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
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Old 09-05-2019, 06:15 AM   #10594
drjd
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I've decided to become a math teacher, but I'm only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.
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Old 09-06-2019, 06:45 AM   #10595
drjd
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A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
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Old 09-07-2019, 06:04 AM   #10596
drjd
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The mailman who was kidnapped by organ harvesters got delivered.
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Old 09-09-2019, 06:55 AM   #10597
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Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.

She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
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Old 09-10-2019, 05:58 AM   #10598
drjd
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drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
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Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again.
One Grand Canyon is enough.
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Old 09-11-2019, 08:04 AM   #10599
drjd
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A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.

The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone."I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
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Old 09-12-2019, 05:42 AM   #10600
drjd
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Where do you find all the political papers?

In the Cabinet!
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Old 09-12-2019, 07:18 AM   #10601
PoP
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To the Ultimate Question he jokingly answered

-80538738812075974 ³ +80435758145817515 ³ +12602123297335631 ³
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Old 09-12-2019, 09:53 PM   #10602
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Snoozing in the sun
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To the Ultimate Question he jokingly answered

-80538738812075974 ³ +80435758145817515 ³ +12602123297335631 ³
Thank goodness for Wikipedia!
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Old 09-13-2019, 06:20 AM   #10603
drjd
The Couch Potato
drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
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Everyone hated my weight puns. They all left en mass.
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Old 09-15-2019, 02:30 PM   #10604
drjd
The Couch Potato
drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
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Q: What do you call a bunch of rabbits in a row all hopping backwards?

A: A receding hare line.
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Old 09-17-2019, 05:40 AM   #10605
drjd
The Couch Potato
drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.drjd ought to be getting tired of karma fortunes by now.
 
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My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch.

It’s called lunch.
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