Seriousness I need advice

Exer · 03-26-2011, 04:23 AM

So as some of you know, my lady passed away earlier this month. I've been dealing with that as best I can, but it seems like her family is doing their best to mentally torture me.

Her family and I have never seen eye-to-eye on some things. Even me and my lady had a difference of opinions, but we loved and respected each other so much that it was never a problem in our relationship. Far from it. I had my feelings, she had hers, and our love met in the middle. We never judged each other.

Since she has passed though, every time I see her family they find some way to jab at me. Every single thing they say seems designed to hurt me. Sometimes it can almost seem innocent, like when they say "She is in a better place now". Until you know what they are not-so-subtly saying is that, "She is in a better place now that she is away from you."

Her mom has told me that she believes her daughter would still be alive, if she hadn't met me. Can you imagine hearing that from the mother of the person you love? Her brother writes me from prison, saying things that I can't even repeat here.

Her Facebook page is so filled with hateful conversations that I can't even bring myself to look at it anymore. They've been going around to all the other women and girls in the family and saying things like, "Let this be a lesson to you", "Don't make the same mistake my daughter made", and so on.

And this is just the nice stuff. I've read other comments that just made me cry.

I don't understand how people can be this way. I knew they had issues with me, but I've never felt this level of vitriol from anyone in my life. I might almost be able to understand it, if I was some sort of ... I don't know, "bad guy" or something. But I'm so straight-laced that even my girl poked fun at me sometimes. I don't drink. I've never done drugs. I've never had any trouble with the law ... shoot, I've never even had a parking or speeding ticket.

Every time I'm near her family now I feel like I'm dying a little bit more. But they are her family ... they are my last link to her. If I turn my back on them, it would almost feel like losing all I have left of her. Does that make any sense at all?

I just need some advice on what to do.

I know this could get close to crossing the line as for MR policy, so I don't want to get into specifics, but how can I possibly deal with people who hate me simply for not believing in the things they do? Because they honestly seem to hate me. It just breaks my heart and I don't know what to do. I guess all these years they simply tolerated my presence because I was with her ... but now that she's gone it's like open season on me.

Its just making me hopeless and sick. These are the people I should have been able to turn to for support. It just gets worse and worse.

ATDrake · 03-26-2011, 04:46 AM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Those people sound toxic and normally I would advocate cutting them off completely, but I understand your desire to keep them as a connection to your beloved, even if it's clear they don't appreciate, much less deserve you.

If they aren't all uniformly behaving like this to the same degree, maybe you could try and maintain the connection with the family members who are not so hostile to you and bypass conversations with the really nasty ones except when unavoidable?

In the meantime, maybe telling yourself that they're lashing out because they're grieving and in pain too will help. That may or may not be true, but perhaps it'll help you cope a little better with their vitriol if you can pretend to yourself that they're not acting "normally" and this too shall pass.

Billi · 03-26-2011, 10:20 AM

Exer, I'm sorry to read about all the problems you have with the family of your lady. Unfortunately from personal experience, I know that it's always very very hard to break with family members but that would be the advice I would dare to give you.
At least temporarily, you don't have to break up for good. Tell them once in a very polite manner how important they are for you as the family of your lady, how much you would like to have good relations with them (if you feel this honestly), but only when they are able to treat you as respectfully and politely as you treat them. Until then it's better to go different paths. Seek the company of those that will really help you overcoming your loss.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Exer

Its just making me hopeless and sick. ... It just gets worse and worse.

Please, don't let it get thus far! You have a big enough problem yourself, don't let others impose their problems on you! I wish you all the best.

desertblues · 03-26-2011, 10:21 AM

I agree with ATDrake. Take some distance as well, till you're well enough yourself.
Hang on, Exer.

poohbear_nc · 03-26-2011, 12:16 PM

Sudden unexpected death, and the ensuing grief, can bring out the best, and unfortunately, the worst in families. Sometimes giving each other some distance during the grieving & healing process is needed. It's not turning your back on her, or losing your connection to her. You need the time & peace to come to terms yourself with your loss, before you can deal or withstand her family's attitude towards her.

It's not quite the same, I know, but there is always someone online here you can talk with - helps with the feeling of isolation.

Hang tough Exer! You've got a lot of support here.

raac · 03-26-2011, 12:29 PM

I'm sorry to hear about her death. I've never been in this situation so it's hard to offer advice. Still... I look at it this way. You're heartbroken and need support. Her family are making life harder for you. If I were you, I'd stay away from them for the time being at least. If they can't behave correctly then they aren't worth associating with.

benham · 03-26-2011, 12:41 PM

Any belief system that promotes hate aint much of a belief system.

Exer · 03-26-2011, 04:58 PM

Thank you all. Perhaps time and distance are for the best, because I don't want to come to hate them. That just isn't an emotion I want in my life. They have had a lot of heartache and loss in their family, so maybe they just no longer have any healthy ways of dealing with the emotions.

beppe · 03-26-2011, 05:47 PM

Exer, dear soul,
take few steps back. Than think who in the family is less resentful or vindicative toward you. If this person exists, it is there that you can find a possible opening in what looks like a wall.
I feel close to you and I send you my warm friendship.

DixieGal · 03-26-2011, 06:26 PM

Sweetie, I am so saddened to read this. You deserve better, if only because you are someone she cared for.

Unfortunately, it seems like a crisis sometimes brings out the worst in people. Change you locks and screen your calls for a while. Tell some friends that you need to lean on them more right now, and spend your time with those who loved you and your Angel.

I can't help but wonder if the family suspects that you will somehow profit from her death, such as life insurance or pension plan. In my own personal experience, family support after a death usually lasts only as long as it takes the first person to get to the deceased house and start ransacking it.

I hope you will get away from those people and find solace with the friends who love you both.

Maggie May · 03-26-2011, 06:39 PM

My heartfelt sympathy to you EXER on the sad loss of your dear partner. I'm sorry to hear of the very tough time you're having with your partners family. You say they have had a lot of heartache and loss in their family. I would have thought that would have made them appreciate you more and be grateful their daughter had such a loving, and caring man in her life. I too think you need to take a break away from their company and comments and concentrate on yourself, and your own grieving process. In time when you're feeling less vulnerable you might consider getting in contact with them again. I will keep you in my prayers.

Mag.

kindlekitten · 03-27-2011, 02:28 AM

I did not realize that you had gone through such a loss, I am so sorry for you!!!

you need to cherish the memories of your lady, celebrate her life. you do not need whatever negativity her family is bringing into their contact with you. over time that will cheapen your experiences together. anytime we are in a toxic relationship it affects us negatively. back away from them for now and let them continue their grieving process in their own. for whatever reason they have decided to take it out on you. that is not fair to you, or to the memory of the one you hold so dear. hopefully with time they will figure out how destructive they have been. do not drop to their level and lash back. also do not shut them out completely, just effectively enough for everyone to begin the healing process

maianhvk · 03-27-2011, 02:48 AM

I'm just saying that I'm really sorry, Exer.

nohmi2 · 03-27-2011, 07:12 AM

Exer,

You lost your Angel just over three weeks ago, I am sure that this is not the

type of legacy which she would have wanted to leave you. Unless there are

legalities which force you to be in contact with her family, cut off all meetings

with them. Toxic people can be very manipulative and soul destroying.

Actually, they are emotional vampires.

Angel gave you a shining example of what a woman can be. Cherish that

memory, hold it close, keep it for the rest of your days.

Do not simply lose the essence of who you are, the one that Angel fell in love

with, during your grieving.

Remember 'there is peace in silence' and also in dignity.

Keep well my friend.

Sincerely.
Nohmi

lene1949 · 03-28-2011, 04:44 AM

Exer... I'm so sorry to hear that your soul mate passed away...

Obviously her family hasn't come to terms with their loss, and are trying to blame someone, and the closest one to her was you... It is their way of coping... Their behaviour is normal, even though it's hurting you.

Stand strong, and eventually you might be able to grieve together.

03-26-2011, 04:23 AM	#1
Exer I see Russia! Posts: 205 Karma: 234787 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Alaska Device: Etch-A-Sketch	I need advice So as some of you know, my lady passed away earlier this month. I've been dealing with that as best I can, but it seems like her family is doing their best to mentally torture me. Her family and I have never seen eye-to-eye on some things. Even me and my lady had a difference of opinions, but we loved and respected each other so much that it was never a problem in our relationship. Far from it. I had my feelings, she had hers, and our love met in the middle. We never judged each other. Since she has passed though, every time I see her family they find some way to jab at me. Every single thing they say seems designed to hurt me. Sometimes it can almost seem innocent, like when they say "She is in a better place now". Until you know what they are not-so-subtly saying is that, "She is in a better place now that she is away from you." Her mom has told me that she believes her daughter would still be alive, if she hadn't met me. Can you imagine hearing that from the mother of the person you love? Her brother writes me from prison, saying things that I can't even repeat here. Her Facebook page is so filled with hateful conversations that I can't even bring myself to look at it anymore. They've been going around to all the other women and girls in the family and saying things like, "Let this be a lesson to you", "Don't make the same mistake my daughter made", and so on. And this is just the nice stuff. I've read other comments that just made me cry. I don't understand how people can be this way. I knew they had issues with me, but I've never felt this level of vitriol from anyone in my life. I might almost be able to understand it, if I was some sort of ... I don't know, "bad guy" or something. But I'm so straight-laced that even my girl poked fun at me sometimes. I don't drink. I've never done drugs. I've never had any trouble with the law ... shoot, I've never even had a parking or speeding ticket. Every time I'm near her family now I feel like I'm dying a little bit more. But they are her family ... they are my last link to her. If I turn my back on them, it would almost feel like losing all I have left of her. Does that make any sense at all? I just need some advice on what to do. I know this could get close to crossing the line as for MR policy, so I don't want to get into specifics, but how can I possibly deal with people who hate me simply for not believing in the things they do? Because they honestly seem to hate me. It just breaks my heart and I don't know what to do. I guess all these years they simply tolerated my presence because I was with her ... but now that she's gone it's like open season on me. Its just making me hopeless and sick. These are the people I should have been able to turn to for support. It just gets worse and worse.

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03-26-2011, 04:46 AM	#2
ATDrake Wizzard Posts: 11,517 Karma: 33048258 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Roundworld Device: Kindle 2 International, Sony PRS-T1, BlackBerry PlayBook, Acer Iconia	I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Those people sound toxic and normally I would advocate cutting them off completely, but I understand your desire to keep them as a connection to your beloved, even if it's clear they don't appreciate, much less deserve you. If they aren't all uniformly behaving like this to the same degree, maybe you could try and maintain the connection with the family members who are not so hostile to you and bypass conversations with the really nasty ones except when unavoidable? In the meantime, maybe telling yourself that they're lashing out because they're grieving and in pain too will help. That may or may not be true, but perhaps it'll help you cope a little better with their vitriol if you can pretend to yourself that they're not acting "normally" and this too shall pass.

03-26-2011, 10:21 AM	#4
desertblues Home for the moment Posts: 5,127 Karma: 27718936 Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: travelling Device: various	I agree with ATDrake. Take some distance as well, till you're well enough yourself. Hang on, Exer.

03-26-2011, 12:16 PM	#5
poohbear_nc Now what? Posts: 58,876 Karma: 135181808 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!	Sudden unexpected death, and the ensuing grief, can bring out the best, and unfortunately, the worst in families. Sometimes giving each other some distance during the grieving & healing process is needed. It's not turning your back on her, or losing your connection to her. You need the time & peace to come to terms yourself with your loss, before you can deal or withstand her family's attitude towards her. It's not quite the same, I know, but there is always someone online here you can talk with - helps with the feeling of isolation. Hang tough Exer! You've got a lot of support here.

03-26-2011, 12:29 PM	#6
raac Zealot Posts: 111 Karma: 1003802 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: NY Device: Sony PRS-950	I'm sorry to hear about her death. I've never been in this situation so it's hard to offer advice. Still... I look at it this way. You're heartbroken and need support. Her family are making life harder for you. If I were you, I'd stay away from them for the time being at least. If they can't behave correctly then they aren't worth associating with.

03-26-2011, 12:41 PM	#7
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	Any belief system that promotes hate aint much of a belief system.

03-26-2011, 04:58 PM	#8
Exer I see Russia! Posts: 205 Karma: 234787 Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: Alaska Device: Etch-A-Sketch	Thank you all. Perhaps time and distance are for the best, because I don't want to come to hate them. That just isn't an emotion I want in my life. They have had a lot of heartache and loss in their family, so maybe they just no longer have any healthy ways of dealing with the emotions.

03-26-2011, 05:47 PM	#9
beppe Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,161 Karma: 81026524 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Italy Device: Kindle3, Ipod4, IPad2	Exer, dear soul, take few steps back. Than think who in the family is less resentful or vindicative toward you. If this person exists, it is there that you can find a possible opening in what looks like a wall. I feel close to you and I send you my warm friendship.

03-26-2011, 06:26 PM	#10
DixieGal Hi There! Posts: 7,473 Karma: 2930523 Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Ft Lauderdale Device: iPad	Sweetie, I am so saddened to read this. You deserve better, if only because you are someone she cared for. Unfortunately, it seems like a crisis sometimes brings out the worst in people. Change you locks and screen your calls for a while. Tell some friends that you need to lean on them more right now, and spend your time with those who loved you and your Angel. I can't help but wonder if the family suspects that you will somehow profit from her death, such as life insurance or pension plan. In my own personal experience, family support after a death usually lasts only as long as it takes the first person to get to the deceased house and start ransacking it. I hope you will get away from those people and find solace with the friends who love you both.

03-26-2011, 06:39 PM	#11
Maggie May Grand Sorcerer Posts: 8,907 Karma: 87755439 Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Ireland Device: CYbook Gen3 and Sony PRS 3505 Kindle 3 G Nexus 7 iPad	My heartfelt sympathy to you EXER on the sad loss of your dear partner. I'm sorry to hear of the very tough time you're having with your partners family. You say they have had a lot of heartache and loss in their family. I would have thought that would have made them appreciate you more and be grateful their daughter had such a loving, and caring man in her life. I too think you need to take a break away from their company and comments and concentrate on yourself, and your own grieving process. In time when you're feeling less vulnerable you might consider getting in contact with them again. I will keep you in my prayers. Mag.

03-27-2011, 02:28 AM	#12
kindlekitten Professional Adventuress Posts: 13,368 Karma: 50260224 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: The Olympic Peninsula on the OTHER Washington! (the big green clean one on the west coast!) Device: Kindle, the original! Times Two! and gifting an International Kindle	I did not realize that you had gone through such a loss, I am so sorry for you!!! you need to cherish the memories of your lady, celebrate her life. you do not need whatever negativity her family is bringing into their contact with you. over time that will cheapen your experiences together. anytime we are in a toxic relationship it affects us negatively. back away from them for now and let them continue their grieving process in their own. for whatever reason they have decided to take it out on you. that is not fair to you, or to the memory of the one you hold so dear. hopefully with time they will figure out how destructive they have been. do not drop to their level and lash back. also do not shut them out completely, just effectively enough for everyone to begin the healing process

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03-27-2011, 02:48 AM	#13
maianhvk whimsical Posts: 2,779 Karma: 88193939 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: in darkness Device: current: PPW 4. brick: K3 & Voyage.	I'm just saying that I'm really sorry, Exer.

03-27-2011, 07:12 AM	#14
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	Exer, You lost your Angel just over three weeks ago, I am sure that this is not the type of legacy which she would have wanted to leave you. Unless there are legalities which force you to be in contact with her family, cut off all meetings with them. Toxic people can be very manipulative and soul destroying. Actually, they are emotional vampires. Angel gave you a shining example of what a woman can be. Cherish that memory, hold it close, keep it for the rest of your days. Do not simply lose the essence of who you are, the one that Angel fell in love with, during your grieving. Remember 'there is peace in silence' and also in dignity. Keep well my friend. Sincerely. Nohmi

03-28-2011, 04:44 AM	#15
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Exer... I'm so sorry to hear that your soul mate passed away... Obviously her family hasn't come to terms with their loss, and are trying to blame someone, and the closest one to her was you... It is their way of coping... Their behaviour is normal, even though it's hurting you. Stand strong, and eventually you might be able to grieve together.