Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 683

drjd · 09-22-2018, 05:45 AM

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

drjd · 09-23-2018, 05:41 AM

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

PoP · 09-23-2018, 01:22 PM

Funny factoid : Thieves Who Stole GPS Tracking Devices Were Caught Within Hours.

cromag · 09-23-2018, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PoP

Funny factoid : Thieves Who Stole GPS Tracking Devices Were Caught Within Hours.

What could possibly go wrong?!

drjd · 09-24-2018, 05:39 AM

A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

drjd · 09-25-2018, 06:02 AM

A Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.

Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

cromag · 09-26-2018, 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cromag

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral.

A man leans in to her and says "I'm so sorry.... do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," she replies.

He stands up, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora", then sits back down.

"Thank you," she says to him, "that means a lot."

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral.

A man leans in to her and says "I'm so sorry.... do you mind if I say a couple of words?"

"No, go right ahead," she replies.

He stands up, clears his throat, and says, "Staying alive!", then sits back down.

"Thank you," she says to him, "He would have liked that."

drjd · 09-26-2018, 05:40 AM

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"

"My mother died in May and left me $15,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.

Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.

"Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.

"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single dime!"

John K · 09-26-2018, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

A Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.'

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.

Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

Those Rednecks! Always thinking of their buddies!

drjd · 09-28-2018, 05:08 AM

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

Bilbo1967 · 09-28-2018, 11:06 AM

Not a joke as such, but my eldest son just said something to me which I thought might be a great example of a "First World problem". He said;

Quote:

I really wish the Ryder Cup wasn't happening on the same weekend as the new FIFA game comes out.

drjd · 09-29-2018, 05:08 AM

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Bookpossum · 09-29-2018, 07:41 AM

Well, if they were Australian women they wouldn't worry, because we don't have alligators here, only crocodiles!

(The salt-water crocs are lethal, but the freshwater ones are quite small.)

drjd · 09-30-2018, 05:32 AM

Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

drjd · 10-01-2018, 05:22 AM

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

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09-22-2018, 05:45 AM	#10231
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

09-23-2018, 05:41 AM	#10232
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

09-23-2018, 01:22 PM	#10233
PoP curly᷂͓̫̙᷊̥̮̾ͯͤͭͬͦͨ ʎʌɹnɔ Posts: 3,002 Karma: 50506927 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: ♁ ᴺ₄₅°₃₀' ᵂ₇₃°₃₇' ±₆₀" Device: K3₃.₄.₃ PW3&4₅.₁₃.₃	Funny factoid : Thieves Who Stole GPS Tracking Devices Were Caught Within Hours.

09-24-2018, 05:39 AM	#10235
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."

09-25-2018, 06:02 AM	#10236
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.' A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties. Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?' The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

09-26-2018, 05:40 AM	#10238
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself. Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?" "My mother died in May and left me $15,000," the friend answered. "Boy, that's tough," the man replied. Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000." "Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man. "Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000," the friend added. "That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man. "Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single dime!"

09-28-2018, 05:08 AM	#10240
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books. Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !" The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

09-29-2018, 05:08 AM	#10242
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

09-29-2018, 07:41 AM	#10243
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,137 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	Well, if they were Australian women they wouldn't worry, because we don't have alligators here, only crocodiles! (The salt-water crocs are lethal, but the freshwater ones are quite small.)

09-30-2018, 05:32 AM	#10244
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

10-01-2018, 05:22 AM	#10245
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"