Another "OMS"* Story [Unutterable Silliness]

[NatCh]

* Oh! My spleen!


Since the other one was so well received, I offer my other single all-time favorite OMS story, for your collective consideration.

Once again, this is NOT autobiographical.

Vent that rage! It's not healthy to keep it inside, and it's easy to pass it on to someone else!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Jack Whitetail and may I please speak to Jane Hart?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Jane's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Jane, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later that year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!"

(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.). Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is John Roebuck."

"When's a good time to catch you, John?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, John, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"John, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added John's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "John Roebuck."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, John. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

[pilotbob]

I'm sorry, I don't see any humor in this. It's even worse if it is true.

BOb

[NatCh]

I'm pretty sure it isn't true. For one thing, if the first guy didn't turn around and get caller ID after that call, he'd have to be too dumb to be functional on his own.

I'm sorry that it's not as funny to you as I find it, but I'll chalk it up to my twisted sense of humor, I suppose. Come to think of it, I tend to find phone related things funnier than most folks. Even with that, I also find them less funny if they're true.

[slayda]

Originally Posted by NatCh

I'm pretty sure it isn't true. For one thing, if the first guy didn't turn around and get caller ID after that call, he'd have to be too dumb to be functional on his own.

I'm sorry that it's not as funny to you as I find it, but I'll chalk it up to my twisted sense of humor, I suppose. Come to think of it, I tend to find phone related things funnier than most folks. Even with that, I also find them less funny if they're true.

If he didn't get Caller ID, he really was a Jackass. My sense of humor is twisted too.

[vivaldirules]

Originally Posted by NatCh

Come to think of it, I tend to find phone related things funnier than most folks.

You don't happen to work for my company's help desk, do you NatCh?

[NatCh]

No. And they don't let me answer the phones anymore where I do work. Apparently I said something to somebody.

[Nate the great]

Originally Posted by NatCh

No. And they don't let me answer the phones anymore where I do work. Apparently I said something to somebody.

I take it, Natch, that you would answer the phone with something like:

"Nate's Taxidermy, you snuff 'em we stuff 'em!"

"Nate's Mortuary, you stab 'em we slab 'em!"

[NatCh]

I hadn't heard the taxidermy shop one, I'll have to use it some time.

I have used the stab 'em line, and also this one:

"City Morgue, you kill 'em we chill 'em." Usually followed up with "Slab nine speaking!"

And a personal favorite: "Ye olde grog shoppe" -- but you have to run it all together as one word: "Yeolgrogshop!"

They won't tell me exactly what I said to whom that got me banned, but I think it had something to do with telling someone that someone else must have been smoking crack when they gave the person some erroneous information.

[montsnmags]

Originally Posted by Nate the great

I take it, Natch, that you would answer the phone with something like:

"Nate's Taxidermy, you snuff 'em we stuff 'em!"

"Nate's Mortuary, you stab 'em we slab 'em!"

Acme Kangaroo Culling Service - if they're hoppin' we'll stop 'em.

Cheers,
Marc

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by NatCh

They won't tell me exactly what I said to whom that got me banned, but I think it had something to do with telling someone that someone else must have been smoking crack when they gave the person some erroneous information.

hm, maybe i should be careful... "on crack" is my most usual explanation for other people's idiocy (my own occasional idiocy comes naturally, no chemical stimulants required ).

[NatCh]

Oh, it's probably fine to use the expression if you aren't talking to painfully self-impressed mud-fuds (those who hold both an M.D. and a Ph.D.) in a professional setting.

[tdanzie]

NatCh, that was funny. I barely made it to the end. Thanks

[NatCh]

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[mores]

"mud-fuds" cracked me up

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by mores

"mud-fuds" cracked me up

i don't understand mud-fuds, what is it ?