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Old 04-10-2017, 01:08 PM   #1
Lemurion
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Looking for Blurb Feedback

Everyone here helped so much with the cover art, that I'm going to ask for feedback on the Blurb for Doc Vandal 1.


Quote:
When Nazi gorillas try to crash a zombie-piloted Zeppelin into Doc Vandal’s home on the 87th floor he knows he’s got trouble.

On one side you have an enemy older than time, intelligent gorillas, zombies, Nazi aerial battleships, and really big dinosaurs.

On the other you have Doc Vandal, the world’s foremost scientific adventurer, and his friends including:
Gus, a gorilla with a fistful of doctorates and secrets bigger than he is, and Vic, an expatriate Russian countess and daredevil pilot with a predilection for playing solitaire with razor-edged cards.

Can Doc and his friends save the world against the tyranny of the Eldest Flame? Can Vic kill a Tyrannosaur with a short sword?

Find out in Against the Eldest Flame, first in the Doc Vandal series of pulp adventures.
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Old 04-10-2017, 01:12 PM   #2
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Yeah, it's good.
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Old 04-10-2017, 03:31 PM   #3
Dr. Drib
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Too many gorillas.


Gus and the Nazis: A Tale of Rampaging Gorillas!
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Old 04-10-2017, 03:46 PM   #4
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It sounds a bit too busy.
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Old 04-10-2017, 03:56 PM   #5
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I think it's good. It says everything necessary in a slightly farcical way. That's what you wanted, right?
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Old 04-10-2017, 05:27 PM   #6
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In general I like it, though I think it's too wordy. For the type of story you're selling, maybe short, choppy sentences and a few exclamation points. At least in the second and the last sentences.

Also, maybe the last sentence should be split. "First in the Doc Vandal series of pulp adventures!" could be moved to the top of the synopsis and "Find out in Against the Eldest Flame!" could end it.

Quote:
First in the Doc Vandal series of pulp adventures!

When Nazi gorillas try to crash a Zeppelin full of zombies into Doc Vandal’s home on the 87th floor, he knows he’s got trouble.

On one side you have an enemy older than time, intelligent gorillas, zombies, Nazi aerial battleships, and really big dinosaurs!

On the other: Doc Vandal, the world’s foremost scientific adventurer, Gus, a gorilla with a fistful of doctorates and secrets bigger than he is, and Vic, an expatriate Russian countess and daredevil pilot with a predilection for playing solitaire with razor-edged cards.

Can Doc and friends save the world from the tyranny of the Eldest Flame? Can Vic kill a Tyrannosaur with a short sword?

Find out in... Against the Eldest Flame!
How's that?

Last edited by ZodWallop; 04-10-2017 at 05:38 PM.
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Old 04-10-2017, 06:55 PM   #7
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There are a lot of gorillas. Can you have too many gorillas?
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Old 04-10-2017, 07:08 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nabeel View Post
Can you have too many gorillas?
According to the gorilla age of comics: No.
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Old 04-10-2017, 07:19 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nabeel View Post
There are a lot of gorillas. Can you have too many gorillas?
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZodWallop View Post
According to the gorilla age of comics: No.
I agree, you can never have too many gorillas; especially when they're talking gorillas.

I've come up with a revision, let me know what you think:

Quote:
When Nazi gorillas try to crash a Zeppelin full of zombies into Doc Vandal’s 87th floor home, he knows he’s got trouble.

On one side:
An enemy older than time;
Nazi aerial battleships;
Man-eating dinosaurs.

On the other:
Doc Vandal, the world’s foremost scientific adventurer;
Gus, a gorilla with a fistful of doctorates, and secrets bigger than he is;
Vic, an expatriate Russian countess and daredevil pilot with a predilection for playing solitaire with razor-edged cards.

Can Doc and friends save the world from the tyranny of the Eldest Flame? Can Vic kill a Tyrannosaur with a short sword?

Find out in Against the Eldest Flame!
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Old 04-10-2017, 09:13 PM   #10
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Much better. Now where can I find this book?
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Old 04-10-2017, 09:31 PM   #11
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I'm planning to release it at the end of the week - I'll post in Self-Promotions when I do.
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Old 04-10-2017, 09:57 PM   #12
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Quote:
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Much better. Now where can I find this book?

Where can I find the gorilla?

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Old 04-10-2017, 09:58 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Lemurion View Post
I'm planning to release it at the end of the week - I'll post in Self-Promotions when I do.

What a strange concept!!
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Old 04-10-2017, 10:05 PM   #14
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Where can I find the gorilla?

5th floor women's shoes.
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Old 04-11-2017, 11:52 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemurion View Post
I've come up with a revision, let me know what you think:
I like the revision. I was going to suggest changing the heroes and villains from paragraphs to lists like you did.
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