Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Elektron]

[drjd]

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.

[drjd]

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

[DNSB]

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America .

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.

ABBOTT: Absolutely!

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

[DNSB]

A young game developer is killed before his time, and stands before Saint Peter.
"Because you died so young, we cannot properly judge you on your sins and virtues. Therefore, you will be allowed to choose between going to Heaven or Hell."
Before the developer can express his dismay, St. Peter sweeps his arm and says "Behold! A vision of Heaven!" The developer sees endless row upon row of old people sitting at tables contentedly playing Bingo, easy listening music playing in the background, happily chatting, drinking fruit punch and eating sugar cookies.
Then St. Peter says, "And now, a vision of Hell!" The developer sees a grand bacchanal, the dammed engaged in a mass orgy, ecstatically drinking whisky and stout, eating from huge platters of meat, smoking weed, snorting cocaine, while the finest rock, R&B, and pop musicians from ages past perform for the crowd. Seemingly any carnal pleasure to be had is available at the sinner's whim.
"Well, what shall it be?", asks Peter.
The dev sighs and shrugs, "Well, if those are my choices, I'll have to choose Hell!"
As soon as the words leave the dev's lips, the ground opens beneath his feet and he plunges into a lake of fire. As his skin burns off demons set upon him and begin to violate him in all manner thinkable and unthinkable.
The hole begins to close and the dev screams back to St. Peter "Wait!! What is this? What happened to the big party!?"
Peter shrugs. "Well, what did you expect to see in Hell's demo?"

[drjd]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[DNSB]

A woman was cleaning out a box she'd picked up at an auction and found an old brass lamp. She started cleaning it and a genie appeared in front of her.

"Whatever you want, as many things as you want, just ask " the genie said.

"My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."

"And then ..?"

"He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."

"And then?"

"He should never sleep without me by his side."

"And then ..?"

"When he wakes up in the morning he should only see my face first."

"And then ..?"

"He should not go anywhere without me."

"And then ..?"

"If there is even a single scratch on me, he should go crazy with grief."

"And then ..?"

"That's it."

Spoiler:

And, bingo, the genie turned the woman into a smartphone!

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by DNSB

A woman was cleaning out a box she'd picked up at an auction and found an old brass lamp. She started cleaning it and a genie appeared in front of her. ....

Good one!

[drjd]

“You’re late on the tee, John.”

“Yes, well being a Sunday, I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church or go and play golf.”

“Okay, but why are you so late?”

“I had to toss it 15 times!”

[DNSB]

Three Torontonians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Torontonians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Torontonians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Torontonians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won the Cup!!!

[drjd]

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss" noise. but every so often there is a "Pop!" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every tenth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

[Nate the great]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic lexicographer who walked into a brassiere?

[DNSB]

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie and he wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; and care like no man has cared before. The man obliges.

He first sets out to find his ‟calling”. Over the years, he works many jobs. He finds himself becoming depressed with the monotony that he has come to know. Finally, he decides to go back to his roots and do what he knows. He becomes a farmer. With the money he has accumulated from his many professions, he buys a large farm where he decides to take in unwanted and ill animals. Goats (obviously), pigs, cows, cats, dogs, and various other animals. He cares for them. He comes to know and understand them. He has a deep connection with them.

One day, a woman brings her dog to the man’s farm. She is worried about the dog. She says ever since the dog’s sibling died, he hasn’t seemed right. The man agrees to take the dog and care for it. He knows the other animals will comfort it and the dog will enjoy his new family. The woman comes to visit the dog regularly. She becomes familiar with all of the other animals on the farm, and most of all, the man. They spend hours together each visit. Talking and taking care of the animals together. Hours turn to days. Days to weeks. The man asks the woman to live with him and his animals. The woman obliges. They are in love. They are truly happy.

The genie comes to the man one night in his dreams. The genie says to the man ‟You have lived like no other man; you’ve loved like no other man; and you’ve cared like no other man. You have done well”.

The man wakes up the next morning and he doesn’t feel well. He can’t explain it, but somethings not right. Weeks go by and the man’s condition seems to worsen. His doctors cannot explain his rapidly deteriorating health. The woman is always by his side when she is not caring for his animals. The woman’s dog sleeps at the foot of his bed. Never leaving. At last, it seems like he cannot hold on for much longer. He’s barely able to speak at this point. He motions for the woman to come near. He says to her ‟Do you want to know why I fell in love with you all those years ago? Do you want to know why I love you more and more every day?”

She says, ‟Yes, my love, tell me.”

Spoiler:

With his final breath, he tells her ‟Because you make me feel like a kid again.”

[drjd]

A man was brought to a hospital with heavily fractured bones. The doctor in the intensive care unit asks him, "Are you married?"

"No, I've been run over by a truck."

[DNSB]

A man speaks frantically on phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"