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Old 09-25-2017, 07:58 AM   #9886
Andy_T
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Old 09-27-2017, 05:04 AM   #9887
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I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, 'Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds.'
While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. 'Sweetheart,' she gently chided, 'this is not the Internet.'
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Old 09-27-2017, 02:59 PM   #9888
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Grammar Kills


The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours.

He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil.
When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.
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Old 09-28-2017, 01:47 PM   #9889
orlok
THE END. Yes!
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Old 10-08-2017, 05:47 AM   #9890
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The meaning of opaque is unclear.
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Old 10-08-2017, 10:01 PM   #9891
crich70
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Holmes and Watson go camping and have some liquid refreshment before bed.
A few hrs later Holmes wakes up and looks up at the stars. He nudges Watson awake and asks him what he sees.
Watson says he sees Stars, many, many stars. Holmes asks him what that means to him.
"Well" says Watson, " It says to me that:
1) the universe is vast with possibly many other living creatures.
2) that it's almost 3 am
3) that Leo is ascending
4) that we human beings are not as great as we think we are in contrast to the size of the cosmos which God has created. What does it tell you Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
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Old 10-08-2017, 10:03 PM   #9892
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The meaning of opaque is unclear.
As is the idea of a 'blind taste test.' Everyone knows you taste with your mouth not your eyes.
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Old 10-09-2017, 09:28 AM   #9893
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As is the idea of a 'blind taste test.' Everyone knows you taste with your mouth not your eyes.
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Old 10-09-2017, 09:28 AM   #9894
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A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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Old 10-14-2017, 11:02 AM   #9895
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Why did the referee get fired? Because he was a whistle blower!
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Old 10-15-2017, 01:30 PM   #9896
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THE END. Yes!
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I went to the off-licence on my bike today and bought a bottle vodka. I put it in a bag and hung it from the handlebars. Then it occurred to me, that if I fall off or something happens, then the bottle might break. So I drank it all, right then and there!

It's just as well I did, 'cause I fell off 7 times on the way home.
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Old 10-16-2017, 07:12 AM   #9897
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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
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Old 10-16-2017, 09:47 AM   #9898
WT Sharpe
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drjd View Post
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall, "$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

That one's been around a while. Check out this video and fast forward to the segment that starts at 18:12 and ends at 20:05:

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Old 10-16-2017, 02:52 PM   #9899
drjd
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That one's been around a while. Check out this video and fast forward to the segment that starts at 18:12 and ends at 20:05:
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Old 10-17-2017, 05:57 AM   #9900
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A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
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