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Old 12-02-2012, 06:09 PM   #5716
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
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Old 12-02-2012, 06:31 PM   #5717
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pdurrant View Post
The Hierarchy of Power Semantics
(A story of software development)


In the beginning was the Plan and the Specification.
And the Plan was without form and the Specification it was void.
And darkness was on the face of the implementation team.
And they spake unto their leader, saying,
"It is a crock of s**t and it stinks to high heaven."

And it was the leader and it was the project head.
Now the leader spake unto the project head, saying,
"It is a crock of faeces and intolerably malodorous."

And it was the project head and it was the department manager.
Now the project head spake unto his department manager, saying,
"It is a container of excrement and its effluvium is very strong."

And it was the department manager and it was the product manager.
Now the department manager spake unto his product manager, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer of overpowering strength."

And it was the product manager and it was the marketing manager.
Now the product manager spake unto his marketing manager, saying,
"It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants and strong it is."

And it was the marketing manager and it was the area manager.
Now the marketing manager spake unto his area manager, saying,
"It promoteth growth and it is very powerful."

And it was the area manager and it was the general manager.
Now the area manager spake unto his general manager, saying,
"This powerful new product will promote the growth of the company."

And the general manager looked on the product and saw that it was good.
Thus was born Windows...
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Old 12-03-2012, 03:05 AM   #5718
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Originally Posted by yvanleterrible View Post
Thus was born Windows...
Well, actually I remember first reading this well before Windows and even, I think, before the first IBM PC appeared...

...it's a good thing the thread title doesn't mention 'new' or I'd never post here!
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:10 AM   #5719
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A woman was dying. She called her husband and confessed, "Darling, I am sorry. I cheated on you."

Husband replies, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:22 AM   #5720
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A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her while making love. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the last part?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
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Old 12-03-2012, 06:14 AM   #5721
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Quote:
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...it's a good thing the thread title doesn't mention 'new' or I'd never post here!
The thread would be much shorter as several jokes have been rewritten several times already. Some just re-copied.

Older jokes do have a certain charm as they reflect their time and context. Then again there's nothing new under the sun. Humans are humans...
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Old 12-03-2012, 03:54 PM   #5722
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"Dear," asked a wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes," said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.

After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
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Old 12-03-2012, 06:40 PM   #5723
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Almost peed myself... phew!
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Old 12-03-2012, 07:37 PM   #5724
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.......
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

You hit the jackpot with this one!


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Old 12-03-2012, 07:38 PM   #5725
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Humans are humans...

Hmmm.... Not all of us.



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Old 12-04-2012, 03:57 PM   #5726
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The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:32 PM   #5727
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The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.


That reminds me of "The meek shall inherit the earth ... if that's all right with the rest of you?"
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:12 PM   #5728
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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:07 AM   #5729
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A young Corporal is sitting in the smoking area having a cigarette, when a brand new Lieutenant walks up him. The Lieutenant asks "Corporal, do you have change for a $20 bill?" The Corporal replies "Yea, sure buddy, one second." Hearing this, the Officer grows cross. "Corporal, I am a Commissioned Officer and you will address me appropriately. Stand up straight, get that smoke out of your mouth, and try again. Now, do you have change for a $20 bill?" The Corporal stands straight up, looks directly to his front and yells

Spoiler:
"SIR, I DO NOT, SIR!"
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Old 12-05-2012, 02:17 PM   #5730
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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