02-15-2019, 05:56 PM | #10411 |
Handy Elephant
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I ate a lot for breakfast. Now I'm a müslim.
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02-17-2019, 01:41 AM | #10412 |
Handy Elephant
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Christian skipped breakfast, I had Müslim. How about Jew?
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02-20-2019, 06:11 AM | #10413 |
The Couch Potato
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….The Genetic marker for people who are naturally bad at spelling can be found in those with blood Type-O.
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02-23-2019, 02:39 PM | #10414 |
The Couch Potato
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...
... in another city! |
02-25-2019, 05:47 AM | #10415 |
The Couch Potato
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An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says."We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this. "She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares." |
02-25-2019, 06:03 AM | #10416 |
Nameless Being
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In one of the Guide series Douglas Adams riffs on the untranslatable nature of puns with "Be Like the 22nd elephant with heated value in space - bark!". Despite that, one of my favourites only works in Hinglish:
Why was the banana sad? Because he was a kela ("kela" in Hindi is "banana", "akela" is "alone") |
02-28-2019, 09:46 AM | #10417 |
The Couch Potato
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Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
'Please leave!' shouts the manager 'We don't serve your type.' |
03-01-2019, 05:49 AM | #10418 |
Handy Elephant
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03-01-2019, 06:06 AM | #10419 |
The Couch Potato
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03-01-2019, 06:06 AM | #10420 |
The Couch Potato
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What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.
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03-03-2019, 05:50 AM | #10421 |
The Couch Potato
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As my wife was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for her wrist, saying "I'm going to give you a bracelet."
"Has it got Rubies and Diamonds ?" she asked coyly. "No," he said. "But it costs just as much." |
03-05-2019, 05:43 AM | #10422 |
The Couch Potato
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I am itching to solve those math problems. I just need scratch paper.
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03-06-2019, 02:15 PM | #10423 |
Is that a sandwich?
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Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.
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03-06-2019, 03:16 PM | #10424 |
The Couch Potato
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Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
A month later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo." |
03-07-2019, 11:55 AM | #10425 |
Is that a sandwich?
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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
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